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Geoffrey Perkins

Presents the complete, unedited scripts from the original BBC radio program

The Original Hitchhiker Radio Scripts

Chaïmae

“Only six people in the Galaxy knew that the job of the Galactic President was not to wield power but to attract attention away from it.

Zaphod Beeblebrox was amazingly good at his job.”

“You know,” said Arthur, “it’s at times like this, when I’m trapped in a Vogon airlock with a man from Betelgeuse, and about to die of asphyxiation in deep space, that I really wish I’d listened to what my mother told me when I was young.”

“Curiously enough, the only thing that went through the mind of the bowl of petunias as it fell was Oh no, not again. Many people have speculated that if we knew exactly why the bowl of petunias had thought that we would know a lot more about the nature of the Universe than we do now.”

“Science has achieved some wonderful things, of course, but I’d far rather be happy than right any day.”

“No. That’s where it all falls down, of course.”

“Pity,” said Arthur with sympathy. “It sounded like quite a good life-style otherwise.”

“That ship hated me,” he said dejectedly, indicating the policecraft.

“That ship?” said Ford in sudden excitement. “What happened to it? Do you know?”

“It hated me because I talked to it.”

“You talked to it?” exclaimed Ford. “What do you mean you talked to it?”

“Simple. I got very bored and depressed, so I went and plugged myself in to its external computer feed. I talked to the computer at great length and explained my view of the Universe to it,” said Marvin.

Bethany Jenkins

This planet has-or rather had-a problem, which was this: most of the people living on it were unhappy for pretty much of the time. Many solutions were suggested for this problem, but most of these were largely concerned with the movements of small green pieces of paper, which is odd because on the whole it wasn't the small green pieces of paper that were unhappy.

“But that's not the point!" raged Ford. “The point is that I am now a perfectly safe penguin, and my colleague here is rapidly running out of limbs!" 

“It’s all right, I've got them back now," said Arthur.

Brooke Barnett

There was an accident with a contraceptive and a time machine.

the telephone cleaners weren't so useless were they huh?

virulent disease contracted from a dirty telephone.

Robby

Irreverent, absurd, brilliant, and just so much fun to read.

The Original Hitchhiker Radio Scripts quotes

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