Name: The Royal Treatment
ISBN: 9780758208026

MaryJanice Davidson

In a parallel universe where Alaska is its own country, complete with a royal family, an American tourist finds herself being wooed by the untamed crowned prince. But, can a wild prince and a modern American girl make a life together?

The Royal Treatment

Colleen

1 Star
 
*One of the most unpleasant “heroines” I have ever read – and that’s probably all you need to know*


But here is the rest anyway:

I continue to work through my TBR backlog. The Royal Treatment looked fun. I don’t remember when I added it to my list, but it seemed like a good in-between, light read. However, I didn't realize until after I started that this book was by the same author as the Undead and Unwed series. If I'd realized that, I probably would have passed. I read the first two of that series. While they fulfilled the entertaining brain candy category, I had issues with some of the content - particularly issues of consent - and stopped reading them because of that. Although, come to think of it, the main character of that series was also awful. But I’m getting ahead of myself.

This story had quite possibly the oddest Alternative History I've read. I'm not sure what the point was. In this reality, Alaska was never purchased by the United States. Alaska then rebelled against Russia, became their own country, and for some reason decided to institute Kings instead of Czars. Probably because the author was worried about the target audience not knowing what a Czar was. Anyway, the result was a delusionally utopic land where everyone is prosperous and happy and all the messy parts of history were conveniently fixed. The indigenous people were given lots of rights and money yet are completely absent from the story. All the commoners were thrilled with their constitutional monarchy and the quirky royal family who were, of course, hard-working and down-to-Earth despite being ridiculously rich and royal.

Despite the silliness (or rather: absurdity) of the story, I started it optimistically. There were a few witty remarks. (As the story went on, Edmund's dry remarks ended up being the only thing I liked about the book.) I wasn’t expecting some great literary treatise. The bar for my expectations was set pretty low at “entertaining romance.” But The Royal Treatment had its own set of issues. Well, mostly one issue in particular: the main character was a Grade A Bitch. And I don't use that word lightly. 

Christina was entirely unlikable. She waltzed in, acted like such a victim about being invited to live at the palace, and spent the entire book whining about literally everything! Who wants a Cinderella story with a main character who acts more like an egotistical reality tv star diva? Not me!

To make it more annoying, everyone kept fawning over how amazing a queen she was going to make. I wanted to shake them and yell, "WHY???" There was not a single moment when Chris displayed competency at anything. The excuse given was that her extreme honesty would make her a no nonsense ruler. 


  “Christina’s got the goods. David doesn’t care. And I want them hitched. So that’s that.”

Yes, the king has spoken. And that’s that. So after one chance meeting, the king decided that Christina needed to marry the crown prince David. And they both went along with it because of a pathological lack of spinal cords. Or something like that. Proceed with the unbelievable, passionless, unsustainable relationship – by royal degree nonetheless.

But there is a monumental difference between being forthright and being the aforementioned bitch. And frankly Chris was a really nasty person who constantly took her own insecurities out on those around her. And usually the employees were the ones bearing the brunt of her bullying. Because honestly, she was just a bully.


  “‘Umm… where’s the cocktail sauce?’ Christina whispered to Edmund, who had taken up his post by the window, four feet behind her.
Edmund leaned forward. ‘I beg your pardon, ma’am?’
‘The cocktail sauce,’ she said loudly and slowly, as if speaking to someone developmentally delayed. ‘For. The oysters.’
‘It comes with a vinaigrette,’ David explained. ‘Try it, I think—’
‘I think I’ll barf if I have to suck down raw oysters without cocktail sauce.’
[…]
‘Well, hell, my rights are being stomped on!’ said Christina.
[…]
‘I mean, Jesus, you guys are lucky I’m even willing to eat these things.’”

And by the way, when she did get her cocktail sauce, she replied, “Was that so damned hard?” 

That is NOT acceptable behavior! Who the hell acts like that when they are invited to someone’s home? Regardless of them being royal or not. And this is the scene where she first met her “love interest” and the rest of his family. While they sat there trying to have a nice family dinner, she threw a temper tantrum over freaking cocktail sauce. Anyone would think she was the spoiled princess. Because she certainly acted like a delusional diva the whole time. And then she added insult to injury by constantly telling the family how weird they were and criticizing everything they did. There were countless examples of Christina demeaning everyone around her. She purposefully called servants by the wrong name and interfered with them trying to do their jobs. She insulted David’s career (marine biology) and was always debasing his interests and hobbies. And yet, despite all of that, all anyone could say was how amazing she was! Yuck!

The love interest, David, was ok but frankly lacking in personality. He was kind of... There. And the sex just... Happened? There was no chemistry and no buildup of sexual tension. Even if Christina hadn’t been the narcissistic mutant spawn of Mariah Carey and Joffrey Baratheon, I still wouldn’t have believed they had chemistry. Basically they both said things along the lines of, "We should definitely taste the milk since we're buying the cow. Let's go ahead and have sex since we're getting married." And the whole thing had such a transactional feeling to it that I'm surprised someone didn't end up with a bill afterwards. There wasn’t a single steamy moment in this book.


  “‘Yeeek!’The plate went flying, her tomato slices parted ways with the bread, her chair slammed back onto the floor, her legs went over her head, and then he was nuzzling her neck and groping under her shirt. ‘Subtlety, thy name is not—that tickles!’ Her legs sticking up in the air as they were, it was difficult to get leverage to fend him off. Not that she entirely wanted to.”

For context, in that scene, David interrupted her lunch, and just starts groping her and tearing her clothing off. That just isn't sexy. Not to me anyway. Especially when their chemistry was so nonexistent. So all of the “romantic” scenes are just random sex that occurs. This was NOT the “delightful and dazzling erotic novel” that was advertised! Even my imagination isn’t strong enough to make that stretch.

There were a couple of little subplots that popped up, but they felt more like red herrings than true plots. They ended up being tiny blips on the radar. And those blips turned out to be herring farts, not Russian submarines. (By the way, search "herring farts submarine Sweden" for an amusing real-life incident. Sometimes life is stranger than fiction!)

I just can't get over how unlikable the main character was. Between that, the fact that the main character in her other series was almost as despicable, and the consent issues, MaryJanice Davidson is going on my Do Not Read list.

And now, onto to (hopefully) better books while I try to forget that I ever read this one.


RATING FACTORS:
Ease of Reading: 2 Stars
Writing Style: 1 Star
Characters and Character Development: 1 Star
Plot Structure and Development: 1 Star
Level of Captivation: 1 Star
Originality: 1 Star

In a world nearly identical to ours, the North won the Civil War, Ben Affleck is the sexiest man alive, and Russia never sold Alaska to the U.S. Instead, Alaska is a rough, beautiful country ruled by a famously eccentric royal family, and urgently in need of a bride for the Crown Prince. But they have no idea what they're in for when they offer the job to a feisty commoner. . .a girl who's going to need. . . The Royal Treatment The Princess-To-Be Primer, Or, Things I've Learned Really Quick, As Compiled by Her Future Royal Highness--Yeah, Whatever--Christina. That's me. 1. Telling jokes you picked up from the guys on the fishing boat doesn't go over really well at a fancy ball. 2. Must learn to curtsy, stifle burps, and tell the difference between a salad fork and a fruit knife. 3. Must not keep thinking about Prince David's amazing eyes, lips, hands, shoulders, uh. . .wait, can I start over? 4. Becoming a princess is a lot harder than it looks. 5. Falling in love is a whole lot easier. . . In this dazzling, delightfully wacky tale from MaryJanice Davidson, a tough commoner and a royal prince are about to discover that who they truly are. . .and what they desperately desire. . .may both be closer than they ever dreamed. . .

Laura Newell

Whew

Who wouldn't want for hunky princes pining for them?
Fun and quick read. I love the pop culture references and quick wit from the characters.