A Mother's Reckoning Living in the Aftermath of Tragedy

Sue Klebold's son was a mass murderer. After he and a friend kill thirteen people and then themselves, in addition to everything else, Klebold is left standing in shock and betrayal, in addition to everything else. How is it possible that she missed warning signs? As Klebold moves through her grief, depression and anxiety, she falls into similar patterns as her son (e.g. placing a high value on having an acceptable/normal public face) and thus comes to a point of understanding and empathy. It is a compelling and cathartic narrative. Klebold zeroes in hard on the mental illness component of the guns + mental illness + men = mass shootings equation, which makes sense given the above and I don't begrudge her for it; it's a memoir. Though she does pull out a few common annoying pieces of rhetoric ("You wouldn't expect someone with a busted knee to heal themselves through gumption!"), she makes the correct and controversial assertion that murder-suicides should be more broadly understood as a subset of suicides. (I would argue that it's particularly important wrt male suicides, where even if it's not a full-blown murder-suicide there's frequently a component of partner abuse.) I feel like it'd be very easy to read this book cynically and judgmentally, and even I'm the most cynical and judgmental person I know, I didn't really.

A really fantastic message of this book is that buying the right shoes for your kids, telling them that you love them, engaging them in sports and with friends, etc isn't always enough to raise a child who is happy or who will retain the will to live. You need to ask your child how they are doing, teach them to care about their "brain health", and learn to push your kid to talk about their feelings with you when you notice changes in them (Sue Klebold consistently says "brain health" instead of mental illness because she wants to promote the factual idea that mental illness is physiological and not just something that people can magically "think away" or anything that is their fault. This is a sentiment that I admire and seek to continue to promote as well). This was an extremely comprehensive story of grief, of loss, of working past tragedy, etc. I thought I might be disturbed by the content, but I found that knowledge is power in this case. I can't truly grasp the level of tragedy that this boy caused, but after reading this book, it's very clear to me that it doesn't do any good to fictionalize Dylan into the personification of the devil or of pure evil. He was a person who was sweet to his family for 17 years of his life, he had very serious and real unresolved brain health issues, and he made a series of horrible decisions that most people would never even consider. Below are some of the quotes that stuck out to me. - "want to believe that parents create criminals because in supposing that, we reassure ourselves that in our own house, where we are not doing "such things", we do not risk calamity" -"dylan's arrival was so quiet an uneventful that I could hear the whispers of nurses in the hallway while I was in labor.....But as I held him, I experienced a deep and unsettling sense of foreboding, strong enough to make me shiver. It was as if a bird of prey had passed overhead, casting us into shadow. Looking down at the perfect bundle in my arms, I was overcome by a strong premonition, this child would bring me terrible sorrow." -"people have asked me if we abused dylan, if we allowed someone else to abuse him, if we ever hugged him, if we ever told him that he was loved." -"In the years since, I have thought a great deal about Dylan's great need to convince himself and others that he was in complete control, part of his nature from early childhood. While we were proud of this trait when he was young, I wonder now if that pride was displaced because when Dylan really did need help towards the end of his life, he did not know how to ask." -"singing permission slips, designing easter egg hunts, and buying my boys sneakers that fit were the touchstones of my life. Now I had to ask: What had the point of any of it been? -"Men tend to grieve the loss of the person the child would have become, while women tend to grieve the child that they remember. -(view spoiler)["As Dr. Joiner says, people have to become desensitized to the violence and the fear of pain in order to harm themselves. He posits that this is why suicide rates are higher in populations routinely exposed to pain and horror such as doctors, soldiers, and people with anorexia." (hide spoiler)]

Book #46 Read in 2016 A Mother's Reckoning by Sue Klebold Sue Klebold is the mother of Dylan Klebold, one of the shooters in the horrific Columbine school shooting. She is trying to make sense of what her son did as well as to figure out how to live without him. While she does make it out that the other shooter, Eric Harris, was more of the leader in the plot, she does not shy away from admitting that her son did horrible, horrible things and that she and her husband (now ex-husband) most likely missed signs that her son was suffering from mental illness. A raw and emotional read that should be read. I borrowed this book from the town library.

After reading a couple of books by Dave Cullen and Brooks Brown about Columbine last year, I was interested in reading Sue Klebold's book. It took me a while to find out that my library offered it as an ebook to check out, but I'm glad I did. I finished it in less than 24 hours, and I think it's one of the most important books written in light of the horrific events that occurred in April 1999. Klebold's first-hand account doesn't claim to know all the answers nor attempt to exonerate her or her husband from anything - it's simply a very good book written in hindsight on all the things that they didn't do that other parents can do now. From reading Cullen's book, I had already gathered that Dylan was the more passive one in the pair - Sue's book demonstrates that further. It's amazing what beauty comes out of darkness, and Sue's work today has probably saved countless lives, as well as the fact that all proceeds from this book go to suicide prevention/mental illness organizations. I give this 4 stars because I do think Sue tends to repeat herself over and over, in different chapters. The one star is only knocked off due to the actual writing and not the substance.

I recently read "A Mother's Reckoning: Living in the Aftermath of Tragedy" by Susan Klebold, and I have to say it was a very moving and thought-provoking book.

The book is about Susan's experience as the mother of Dylan Klebold, one of the shooters in the Columbine High School massacre. One of the main themes that stood out to me was the idea that people wear different masks in different situations. It made me reflect on how I am not the same person to everyone in my life, and how that applies to everyone.

I also felt that the book did an excellent job of reminding readers that Susan Klebold lost her child that day as well. The world views Dylan as a murderer, but to Susan, he's also her son. The grief that she feels is compounded by the fact that she has to live with the knowledge and impact of the atrocity he committed. It's easy for people to forget that she lost a child too, and that the grief she feels is just as valid.

Even before I read this book, I felt sympathy for Susan Klebold. We don't live our daily lives expecting the worst of the people we love and trust. There are plenty of people who have committed violent crimes, and their loved ones would tell you that the news of their crime came as a total shock. It's unfair to expect Susan Klebold to have had all the knowledge that the world has now, before the shooting happened.

I also appreciated the book's discussion of how people hide things from us. We trust people, and it's human nature. Asking how Susan Klebold could not have known what was going on with her son is an unfair question. It's like asking someone how they didn't know their partner was cheating on them.

Finally, I think the book did an excellent job of reminding readers that Susan Klebold is not her son. Dylan killed people, not Susan. Grieving for him doesn't mean she condones what he did. I think that's an important message to keep in mind when thinking about this book and Susan Klebold's story.

Overall, "A Mother's Reckoning: Living in the Aftermath of Tragedy" is a powerful and thought-provoking book that I highly recommend. It's an emotional read, but an important one.

After reading this book, I had a quite a few conversations with the parents I know who have raised or are currently raising teenagers and recommended this book to them. Not because I think their children are inherently dangerous, but because this book is great at exploring the complex lives of teenagers, their feelings, how easy it is for them to hide things, etc and how that can manifest in some scary ways. It is extremely rare that the parents of killers speak out, so to have an in depth book written on this topic is quite unique. It's easy to hone in and target the parents and say it's bc they were awful or negligent when a horrific event like Columbine occurs, because that's easy and allows you to dismiss the terrifying notion that this could be your kid. For Sue Klebold to put everything out there and put her cards on the table to help individuals understand warning sighs of depression and suicidal thoughts in children is brave, and I'm glad she did. I listened to the audiobook which is read by Sue Klebold herself, it's heartbreaking but very worth it.

i have NEVER annotated a book with more “:(“s than this book right here

Amazing, heartbreaking story about Sue Klebold finding the strength to understand what led her son to commit the massacre at Columbine High School, finding the strength to forgive him and herself, and learning to love him despite the atrocity. Listened to the audiobook after and it tugs HARD at your heart strings.

Thank you Netgalley and WH Allen for the ARC! I wish more people that have gone through harrowing situations like the one the Klebolds had to face could acquire the strength to not only “survive” the tragedy, but also try and do something useful with what they have endured and learned, in order to help others. To help humanity itself. Thank you, Sue.

It is a book which sheds light about the importance of mental health and coping with such tragedies. Knowing about Sue Klebold's point of view would hopefully help a lot of people get through with their own obstacles in life. Above all, it is important to have someone to confide with.

TW: Suicide, homicide, gun violence, general descriptions of all three, depression, anxiety.

“If you hurt your knee, you wouldn’t wait until you couldn’t walk before seeking help. You’d ice the joint, elevate it, skip your workouts—and then, if you didn’t see any improvement after a couple of days, you’d make an appointment with an orthopedist. Unfortunately, most people don’t turn to a mental health professional for help until they’re in real crisis. Nobody expects to heal their knees themselves, using self-discipline and gumption. Because of stigma, though, we do expect to be able to think our way out of the pain in our minds.” I really really really was moved by this book. I can't remember the last time I've read a book that made me feel so many things: anger, fury, pity and a deep, deep sadness. So this is a story of a mother caught in the most uncomfortable position: her son was a killer, and her son was killed. And she was forced to survive with the loss and the grief and the public disdain and I can't imagine the terror she had to experience. It was a difficult read, a memorable read, but not one without its issues. I am lucky enough to come from a country where we never consider there is a chance we might get killed in schools. Many things happen, but not this. So I came to a complete rookie to the story: I didn't know what Columbine was. I didn't know who Dylan was. And my heart broke to read about this tragedy which could be avoided with the simple measure my country and so many others adopted: gun control. As a mentally healthy adult, I still can't buy a gun whenever I please. There is a long procedure to be awarded one and most of us mostly remain unable to get one no matter what. In my position, I was appalled Sue never touched this sensitive topic, at all. Another thing I don't agree with is her attempt to place blame almost exclusively on Eric Harris. I know Eric was severely deranged, but his parents seemingly cared more than the Klebolds: their son was in therapy, their son was reviewed by a psychiatrist, their son was medicated. Yes, most of the basement tapes were filmed at the Harris' but Sue admits at least one was filmed under their very roof. It is difficult to admit your son had a mind of his own and was not perverted by the evil one, but this is clearly not the case: no matter what Dylan's reasons where he was there to kill and killing he does. So easy to portray Harris as a psychopath, but he expressed clear pain thinking about the effect his acts will have over his parents, he admits that he preferred not to feel but feeling he does no matter what. And yes, I admit Klebold spared some children but Eric did, too. At least one. They were BOTH extremely troubled individuals who found in each other the power to fuel such a disaster. Another thing, the one the bothered me the most was the lack of insistence on the topic of bullying. Sue cites several sources on its effect but fails to take a clear stance against it, fails to recognise the effect it might have had on this already alienated individual. I was bullied in school. I was a lucky case, my school took drastic measures against the bullies. I escaped easily but the trauma was intense. I can imagine that having to endure such a thing FOR YEARS in a school where the issue was clearly out of hand could make someone angry. Angry enough to want to blow up a school. Connect this to mental issues and you have a Columbine. Bullying is serious, you guys. And we should take a stand against it. But despite its flaws, this book is raw and so sincere you can feel Sue's pain. She is a person who had done a better job at parenting than most of our own parents ever did. It is hard to recover, it is hard to admit to your own blindness. For her courage and strength to write such a book, she deserves more appreciation. Because the book succeeded in convinving me I should feel sorry for Dylan as much as I felt for the victims. And through its strong stance against mental illness stigma, Sue deserves all the praise one can get. It's my biggest hope her constant efforts will succeed in bringing her peace of mind, knowing she did her best to compensate for all that huge damage Dylan has caused. And I hope Columbine can be turned into a lesson everyone can learn something from.