Angela Chen

"Ace" delves into the lives of those who identify using the little-known sexual orientation of asexuality and shows what all of us can learn-about desire, identity, culture, and relationships-when we use an asexual lens to see the world"--

What Asexuality Reveals about Desire, Society, and the Meaning of Sex

Annabelle Gauthier

Life is a continuous process of unlearning for minorities and anyone with less power. … The legacy of this violence is that those who belong to a group that has been controlled must do extra work to figure out to which extent we are /still/ being controlled.

Anna

I'm only asexual because there's a word for it and because people have an objection to me not wanting to have sex.

To be clear, all aces are queer because none of us are heterosexual.

To explain asexuality and what it means to not experience sexual attraction, aces must define and describe the exact phenomena we don't experience. It requires us to use the language of "lack", claiming we are legitimate in spite of being deficient, while struggling to explain exactly what it is we don't get.

Language is a form of power. It creates categories that help us interpret the world, and that which is not easily available in language is often ignored in thought itself. A shared vocabulary makes ideas more accessible while a lack of language can render an experience illegible. It can isolate.

Anneliese Villanueva 

As ace, i did realize pretty soon that everything revolves around sex for allo people. Sometimes i don’t understand the jokes, the reason why something is sex related, and that just makes me realize how far i am from this “topic”.

This book was like finally putting everything in place. If I had readden this book in middle school, or the first year of high school, I’m sure my life would have been more easier. Everything I’ve always thought or experienced is put into words in this book, and it’s so so nice to know I’m not alone, to know that my experience is worth something, that it has nothing less from allo’s experiences. That I’m worth something, and I should never forget that. 

Many macro topic are discussed, and for every one of them we learn about real aroace people experiences, interviewed by the author, and thoughts on these topics. 

And that’s one of the most beautiful thing about this book, because it’s not just you and the writer and whomever read this book that feels that way - there are also other people. There are other people who are doing just fine. Yes there’s some difficulty, but in the end we’re not alone. It could look like it, but we’re not. And everyone is speaking more about asexuality and aromanticism. More people are going to finally feel seen after learning about it, and that’s just how it works. It’s not just a label, and it has never been. Yes, sometimes you just don’t know how to label yourself. Our experiences are just so difficult and strange that sometimes we don’t know who we are and why we do some things. But we still know that there’s something different from allo’s experiences. If there hadn’t been labels, and people who created them, and people who talked about how they felt, the experiences they made - how would we live?

mirta <3

As ace, i did realize pretty soon that everything revolves around sex for allo people. Sometimes i don’t understand the jokes, the reason why something is sex related, and that just makes me realize how far i am from this “topic”.

This book was like finally putting everything in place. If I had readden this book in middle school, or the first year of high school, I’m sure my life would have been more easier. Everything I’ve always thought or experienced is put into words in this book, and it’s so so nice to know I’m not alone, to know that my experience is worth something, that it has nothing less from allo’s experiences. That I’m worth something, and I should never forget that. 

Many macro topic are discussed, and for every one of them we learn about real aroace people experiences, interviewed by the author, and thoughts on these topics. 

And that’s one of the most beautiful thing about this book, because it’s not just you and the writer and whomever read this book that feels that way - there are also other people. There are other people who are doing just fine. Yes there’s some difficulty, but in the end we’re not alone. It could look like it, but we’re not. And everyone is speaking more about asexuality and aromanticism. More people are going to finally feel seen after learning about it, and that’s just how it works. It’s not just a label, and it has never been. Yes, sometimes you just don’t know how to label yourself. Our experiences are just so difficult and strange that sometimes we don’t know who we are and why we do some things. But we still know that there’s something different from allo’s experiences. If there hadn’t been labels, and people who created them, and people who talked about how they felt, the experiences they made - how would we live?

!!! So lovely! so caring! so honest! made me reconsider my current and past relationships and ways of relating over and over again <3

August Stone

Mu-An Chiou

- The first half of the book was fantastic and introduced a lot of things I had not thought about.
- The second half of the book contained a lot of stories and I think ran a general theme of… “communication is key for relationships”? Many of the stories I think can be told without asexuality being at play and still have the same message delivered. And it seemed repetitive.
- For a book about asexuality, sex was mentioned so much and so frequently in the book. In a way it does make sense, but to me it lacks the perspective of the needs and desires of an asexual person *if not* centered around sexuality. The book focuses and reiterates what it is not, not what it is.
- I very quickly realized that with the writing style, an audiobook works much better. I finished the audiobook in one setting, whereas if I had read it, I doubt I would be able to finish it.
- Still, a great book on a underrepresented subject matter with lots of insights. For that, this was invaluable.

An engaging exploration of what it means to be asexual in a world that’s obsessed with sexual attraction, and what the ace perspective can teach all of us about desire and identity. What exactly is sexual attraction and what is it like to go through life not experiencing it? What does asexuality reveal about gender roles, about romance and consent, and the pressures of society? This accessible examination of asexuality shows that the issues that aces face—confusion around sexual activity, the intersection of sexuality and identity, navigating different needs in relationships—are the same conflicts that nearly all of us will experience. Through a blend of reporting, cultural criticism, and memoir, Ace addresses the misconceptions around the “A” of LGBTQIA and invites everyone to rethink pleasure and intimacy. Journalist Angela Chen creates her path to understanding her own asexuality with the perspectives of a diverse group of asexual people. Vulnerable and honest, these stories include a woman who had blood tests done because she was convinced that “not wanting sex” was a sign of serious illness, and a man who grew up in a religious household and did everything “right,” only to realize after marriage that his experience of sexuality had never been the same as that of others. Disabled aces, aces of color, gender-nonconforming aces, and aces who both do and don’t want romantic relationships all share their experiences navigating a society in which a lack of sexual attraction is considered abnormal. Chen’s careful cultural analysis explores how societal norms limit understanding of sex and relationships and celebrates the breadth of sexuality and queerness.

What Asexuality Reveals About Desire, Society, and the Meaning of Sex

The section “Part I: Self” was especially compelling, with numerous highlights that felt universally relatable. Seeing fragments of ourselves reflected in the paragraphs fosters a reassurance, gradually replacing self-doubt with newfound understanding. The insights and studies Chen shares hold relevance not only for aces and the LGBTQ+ community but also for anyone navigating relationships where sex plays a significant role or could even be a deal-breaker. It offers plenty of food for thought and could serve as a useful resource for fostering understanding and empathy across different experiences. Understanding sexual desire, attraction, and the importance of sex through a Western lens felt distant from my own cultural context, however. 

🏹

Julie Rubens

To be honest, I expected more of this book. It was good, but it didn’t or barely touched on the things that were interesting to me.

Hannah

I had a long review but I accidentally deleted it so gonna keep this short and sweet now
After reading a few fiction books with characters on the ace spectrum I picked up this book in an effort to be more educated on the topic of asexuality. this was a great read because not only did it tackle that but also how sexuality exists in modern culture and though it seems simple enough bleeds out into most everything we do and how we interact. I think the author writes endearingly personally and informational simultaneously and I’m grateful to be more educated on not only just the topic of asexuality but the topics that surround it and sexuality In general, very well done would recommend very insightful!

kyra

I started reading this to "unlearn" the ideas I had about romanticism and sex. In that aspect, this book has done a thorough job, it's enlightened me on (and introduced me to) concepts that I'd previously found to be vague. 
The book however felt less neutral about sex than I'd thought it'd be.

Michaella 

This was very informative, insightful and eye-opening!
This book also helped me learn about asexuality and its versatility and also question the very concept of sex. I highly recommend it!

A lot of these things I was already familiar with, being demisexual. But it was extremely comforting to know others grappled with understanding what sexual attraction even was, how relationships are supposed to work, and that they also experienced feeling there was some unknown set of rules for dating that everyone had been automatically programmed with but me. Knowing I wasn't alone in that was so reassuring. And seeing that so many Ace folks uave made relationships work and they're happy is also comforting, as someone who thought I would be forever alone. The chapters on romance in society were especially interesting to me, and made me realize I treat most of my serious friendships as QPPs. I told me best friend about this realization and that listening to that part of the audiobook made me think of them. It made them really happy and they said they were honored to be such an important person in my life. Even though we live apart and they're in an entirely separate romantic partnership, I feel like this has brought us even closer together. And I'm really grateful for that. 

Danielle Raymond 

Being ace myself I was pretty familiar with most of the topics discussed in this. There were still some new ideas I hadnt thought about yet that i'm really glad of reading about. The book does a great job at showing how vastly different being ace can be, letting lots of different people speak about their own experiences. Through that I definitely got to learn about struggles I personally didn't have.

Anna Ureta

I need to read this again - with the physical book and a purple highlighter lol 

I found a lot of this book hard to understand because the chapters were so big - it was a lot of information. Like a textbook or lecture in university or a big TED talk 

But it was very important information.
I feel validated and heard and I hope more people will read this :)

When I found this book in the bestseller section of the store, the title on eye-level I felt so touched and honestly so proud. We have come far to have this be a subject that can become a bestseller and I'm so happy about it. I will recommend this book to anyone willing to try and better understand the ace experience and it's complexities. This book has a lovely ratio from informative to emotional, because the author connects the data well with personal experiences of herself or people she interviewed. It also covers a lot of fields which is great. 

Like the author's note says: "I hope many more books will be written about the experiences of those outside this [WEIRD] world. There is so much more to say." 

Inga Kühn 

When I found this book in the bestseller section of the store, the title on eye-level I felt so touched and honestly so proud. We have come far to have this be a subject that can become a bestseller and I'm so happy about it. I will recommend this book to anyone willing to try and better understand the ace experience and it's complexities. This book has a lovely ratio from informative to emotional, because the author connects the data well with personal experiences of herself or people she interviewed. It also covers a lot of fields which is great. 
Like the author's note says: "I hope many more books will be written about the experiences of those outside this [WEIRD] world. There is so much more to say." 

Ashutosh

Highly informative and deeply insightful in terms of sexuality and its proper definition based on several important yet generally overlooked factors. Discusses about consent and a much more elaborate meaning of it. It also tackles several stereotypes surrounding sexual relationships and it's importance. I can go on and on and still won't be able cover the amount of wisdom presented in this book. The best thing about this book is it's accessibility and the amount of information presented in just 200+ pages. A must read for anyone who wants a deep dive into sexual knowledge and it's importance in the current times. It not only focuses on the "Ace" people, but also covers basically everything about the "sexual life" in general. A must read!!!

Patty Pforte

A book that was so easy to read that I managed to finish it in a week, Angela Chen’s writing is accessible, transparent, clear, and very engaging. Her interviews with a diverse range of aces, show the wide array of experiences and existences in the ace community and I feel better informed and ready to learn more!

Ken Yuen

Pretty interesting stuff. Wasn't expecting to get any insight on myself, but was pleased to see how the book tackled social norms, socially-constructed expectations, and cultural biases that make it a problem to be non-confirmative to whoever is in the majority. It was also really good reading about other experiences and seeing how they differed from my own.

Vivian

2nd book on my list to celebrate #pridemonth.

Ace: What Asexuality Reveals About Desire, Identity, and the Meaning of Sex is an excellent education and exploration of asexuality (which I must admit that I knew nothing about except from Todd Chavez in Bojack Horseman). Such a thought-provoking read.
Instead of focusing on asexuality per se, Chen spent a significant portion of the book on the contrast between ace and allo, and digging into how the society assumes sex desire in a romantic relationship as default and our over-fixation on an amazing sex life (otherwise something must be wrong with you or your partner). 
The inclusion of different ace voices (race, gender, religion, disability, and more) also adds to the intersectionality perspective. 

Overall a great book to spread ace awareness.

Cheryl Hedlund

I don't read a lot of nonfiction and sometimes I struggle with it. This was very readable. Informative, insightful, nuanced and not boring. Angela Chen weaves her own experiences, along with those of other ACE people that she interviewed extensively, together with theories and philosophy from psychology, feminism, and queer theory. I recommend this book very highly for anyone, regardless of identity. This is a tricky concept and topic to understand and there are so many questions. The perspective and experiences of the diverse range of asexual people also shines a light on things about mainstream culture and society that would not be seen or questioned otherwise. Angela does not claim to have all the answers, but she does have some. This book brings some clarity and shares a vision for building a stronger asexual community and a better society that is less bound by assumed gender roles and strict definitions of attraction, friendship and romance.

Sabetha Danes

What a phenomenal resource this book is. It's a must read if you're interested in expanding your knowledge about sex, self identity, and aspects of romance/love/cohabitation with other humans—even if you aren't a person that identifies as asexual.

I loved the in-depth look at sex/romance/attraction representation in our current society. The author does a great job at looking at the topics from all angles and how it affects people of all ages and backgrounds. The stories from the people she interviews are fascinating and shed light on many unique ways of life that aren't often discussed.

This book is one of those books that you can read and feel that it's going to be a life changing book for so many people. While it is packed with information, it isn't in a manner that feels soap box like. 

You'll love this book if you love learning about different aspects of the human condition.

Flavia Louise

This was quite interesting. I would have taken a longer version too.

Alexa Jade

This was such an informative read that covered every base possible with nothing but respect. I learned things about asexuality that I never would’ve imagined to be true. A truly jam packed book that I highly recommend.

Amy Grieve

I went into this book already pretty well informed about asexuality from personal experience so I wasn't really sure what I was going to get out of this book. I just knew that I was excited because I'm craving for ace rep in media. Angela Chen really made me think and opened my eyes to several new ideas and concepts I'd never even heard of before.

This book isn't just about the ace experience; it's all about how we interact, as a society, with sexuality, romance and relationships. It takes a nuanced look at asexuality considering multiple perspectives. The book discusses how asexuality interacts with masculinity, the dangers of the sexually motivated racial stereotypes, why it's important to champion disabled aces within the community and much more. I am so impressed with the way that every topic was well discussed with living examples of people dealing with these issues and was done in a respectful way.

There was also a good balance between academic and anecdotal content which helped me grasp some of the newer concepts I'd never heard of before. I'd put this as a necessary read for anyone who wants to learn more about the nuances of asexuality because it covers so much and even includes a section of further reading to help expand your horizons further.

A good look at how the asexual population has started to define itself and what hurdles they face in relationships and coming out. I do wish that there was a little more objective information in here than just anecdotes, the title makes you think we will do a deep dive into how society defines sexual relationships but I feel like Chen dipped her toe in a bit and then jumped back to the anecdotes. And maybe there is a good reason for it, I just think that, given the length of the novel, it would have been fine to add a bit more of that. 

But still an awesome read, I would recommend it to anyone, especially people trying to read more diversely or grab some newer released books for Pride month.

B. K.

Well-researched and comprehensive, tackling not just asexuality but compulsory sexuality and the way social pressures and norms around sex can harm people of all orientations, leading them to compromise in relationships instead of being honest about what they want. 

I'm asexual (and probably aromantic) myself, so I'm not really the intended audience. I was already familiar with a lot of the terminology and discourse. Still, I found this book to be valuable, validating, and even a little hopeful. There were so many examples of asexual people who have found connection and happiness, often later in life, even if their situation doesn't fit "ideal" or "normal" societal expectations. The overarching message is really about how it empowers everyone when sex is not a foregone conclusion, because it encourages honest communication and respecting boundaries.

I listened to (and would recommend) the audiobook.

Ace What Asexuality Reveals about Desire, Society, and the Meaning of Sex

Reviews

Highlights