Lindsay C. Gibson

What happens when children are more mature than their parents? Growing up with an emotionally unavailable, immature, or selfish parent is painful, but rarely discussed. In this breakthrough book, clinical psychologist Lindsay C. Gibson exposes an often overlooked, yet extremely common syndrome that shapes the lives of so many people. Gibson also provides powerful skills to help the adult children of self-centered parents gain the insight they need to move on from feelings of loneliness and abandonment, and find healthy ways to meet their own emotional needs.

How to Heal from Difficult, Rejecting, Or Self-involved Parents

Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents

Lindy

Good relationships should feel like a well-designed house, so easy to live in that you don't notice the architecture or planning that went into it.

It's important to relinquish the belief that if your parents loved you, they'd understand you. As an independent adult, you can function without their understanding. You may not ever have the kind of relationship you've wanted with your parents, but you can make each interaction with them more satisfying for you. 

They think they can keep relationships by being the giver. Children who try to be good enough to win their parents' love have no way of knowing that unconditional love cannot be bought with conditional behavior. 

Emotional intimacy involves knowing that you have someone you can tell anything to, someone to go to with all your feelings, about anything and everything. You feel completely safe opening up to the other person, whether in the form of words, through an exchange of looks, or by just being together quietly in a state of connection. Emotional intimacy is profoundly fulfilling, creating a sense of being seen for who you really are. It can only exist when the other person seeks to know you, not judge you. 

Emotionally immature parents fear genuine emotion and pull back from emotional closeness. They use coping mechanisms that resist reality rather than dealing with it. They don't welcome self-reflection, so they rarely accept blame or apologize. Their immaturity makes them inconsistent and emotionally unreliable, and they're blind to their children's needs once their own agenda comes into play.

Emma Hak-Kovacs

Remember, your goodness as a person isn’t based on how much you give in relationships, and it isn’t selfish to set limits on people who keep on taking.

Accepting the truth of your feelings and thoughts doesn’t make you a bad person. It makes you a whole person, and mature enough to know your own mind.

No child can be good enough to evoke love from a highly self-involved parent. Nevertheless, these children come to believe that the price of making a connection is to put other people first and treat them as more important. They think they can keep relationships by being the giver. Children who try to be good enough to win their parents’ love have no way of knowing that unconditional love cannot be bought with conditional behavior.

Laura Mei

The most primitive parts of our brain tells us that safety lies in familiarity. We gravitate to situations we have had experience with because we know how to deal with them.

If you grew up with an emotionally immature, unavailable, or selfish parent, you may have lingering feelings of anger, loneliness, betrayal, or abandonment. You may recall your childhood as a time when your emotional needs were not met, when your feelings were dismissed, or when you took on adult levels of responsibility in an effort to compensate for your parent’s behavior. These wounds can be healed, and you can move forward in your life. In this breakthrough book, clinical psychologist Lindsay Gibson exposes the destructive nature of parents who are emotionally immature or unavailable. You will see how these parents create a sense of neglect, and discover ways to heal from the pain and confusion caused by your childhood. By freeing yourself from your parents’ emotional immaturity, you can recover your true nature, control how you react to them, and avoid disappointment. Finally, you’ll learn how to create positive, new relationships so you can build a better life. Discover the four types of difficult parents: The emotional parent instills feelings of instability and anxiety The driven parent stays busy trying to perfect everything and everyone The passive parent avoids dealing with anything upsetting The rejecting parent is withdrawn, dismissive, and derogatory

How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, Or Self-Involved Parents

Stephanie 

It’s wonderful and validating to find someone who really listens.

Remember, your goodness as a person isn’t based on how much you give in relationships, and it isn’t selfish to set limits on people who keep on taking. 

Your job is to take care of yourself, regardless of what others think you should be doing for them.

Can people please understand that and stop arguing with "But you had it all" only taking physical care into account? Thank you.

You can respect your parents for everything they’ve given you, but you don’t have to pretend they have no human frailties. 

Satisfying a child’s physical and financial needs is not the same as meeting that child’s emotional needs.

 For instance, if you needed someone to listen—to provide essential emotional connection—receiving money or a good education might distract you from that need, but it wouldn’t fill it.

This. Focus on what you can control instead of getting frustrated and disappointed trying to change the unchangeable.

You can’t force others to empathize or understand.

 The point is to feel good about yourself for engaging in what I call clear, intimate communication. Others may or may not respond how you want them to, but that doesn’t matter. What matters is that you expressed your true thoughts and feelings in a calm, clear way. That goal is achievable and within your control.

Relatedness is different from relationship.

In relatedness, there’s communication but no goal of having a satisfying emotional exchange. You stay in contact, handle others as you need to, and have whatever interactions are tolerable without exceeding the limits that work for you. In contrast, engaging in a real relationship means being open and establishing emotional reciprocity.

Parents may think their child is getting by just fine without much attention. Indeed, self-contained internalizers do seem to get by on less attention; but this doesn’t mean they can get by on emotional neglect.

And even if you know that rationally, it doesn't stop you from trying harder next time.

When internalizing children have self-involved parents, they often think that being helpful and hiding their needs will win their parents’ love. Unfortunately, being counted on isn’t the same thing as being loved, and the emotional emptiness of this strategy eventually becomes apparent. [...] Children who try to be good enough to win their parents’ love have no way of knowing that 

unconditional love cannot be bought with conditional behavior

The loneliness of feeling unseen by others is as fundamental a pain as physical injury, but it doesn’t show on the outside. Emotional loneliness is a vague and private experience, not easy to see or describe. You might call it a feeling of emptiness or being alone in the world. Some people have called this feeling existential loneliness, but there’s nothing existential about it. 

If you feel it, it came from your family.

Or you decide to change the topic yourself because it’s too awkward and you feel like giving out information the other could use against you. 

Those who are more socially skilled might listen more politely, but you still won’t hold their interest. They may not overtly change the subject, but they won’t ask follow-up questions or express curiosity about the details of your experience. They’re more likely to bring the conversation to a close with a pleasant comment that effectively ends it, such as “That’s wonderful, dear. I know you had a good time.”

Resulting in people pleasing mechanisms. 

People who lacked emotional engagement in childhood, men and women alike, often can’t believe that someone would want to have a relationship with them just because of who they are. They believe that if they want closeness, they must play a role that always puts the other person first.

There's some wisdom in here, for sure, but there's also a lot of just describing symptoms of various mental illnesses and then saying, "This is a trait of emotionally immature people." I think the framing of "emotionally immature" is counterproductive, especially in a therapy context. It's incredibly useful to look at the ways people mistreat you, especially if they're your parents, and learn to understand and navigate those things and understand they are, in fact, wrong, but I don't really see the point of the "emotionally immature" label. 

I have an astrology book (that I do not take very seriously) that often describes the traits of a certain sign by saying, "more highly evolved [sign] individuals may [exhibit behavior A], but those less evolved will tend to [exhibit behavior B]," and this book just feels like the same pseudoscientific postulating I see there, but from an actual medical professional, which makes it worse. 

This is a regular self-help book, not a medical text. This book is, "You're right to feel betrayed by your parents, and they Did mess you up," and it is not, "I diagnose your parents as emotionally immature," but it often feels like it's trying to be the latter, which makes it lose a lot of credibility in my eyes.

Jonnie

There's some wisdom in here, for sure, but there's also a lot of just describing symptoms of various mental illnesses and then saying, "This is a trait of emotionally immature people." I think the framing of "emotionally immature" is counterproductive, especially in a therapy context. It's incredibly useful to look at the ways people mistreat you, especially if they're your parents, and learn to understand and navigate those things and understand they are, in fact, wrong, but I don't really see the point of the "emotionally immature" label. 

I have an astrology book (that I do not take very seriously) that often describes the traits of a certain sign by saying, "more highly evolved [sign] individuals may [exhibit behavior A], but those less evolved will tend to [exhibit behavior B]," and this book just feels like the same pseudoscientific postulating I see there, but from an actual medical professional, which makes it worse. 

This is a regular self-help book, not a medical text. This book is, "You're right to feel betrayed by your parents, and they Did mess you up," and it is not, "I diagnose your parents as emotionally immature," but it often feels like it's trying to be the latter, which makes it lose a lot of credibility in my eyes.

Bria

** spoiler alert **
           You can't heal your parents, but you can work on healing yourself. It's a long journey, but reading books like this helps.

listening to the different foundations in this book regarding narcissistic parenting and emotional immaturity was validating to hear. It opened my eyes to resolutions to combat the toxic attachment style (enmeshment) and allowed me to analyze how my own needs can be met as an adult by releasing the idea that I have to please my emotionally immature parent - there is no pleasing them. very healing and validating read 

Jennifer Biedebach

Aamna

The content of the book wasn't absolutely new to me. I discovered the term "Emotional Abuse" when I was 22 and was shocked and relieved to finally have a vocabulary to describe the wide range of behaviours I had encountered. (found it here if you're interested - http://eqi.org/eabuse1.htm) 

Words have power. They are greater than the sum of what they stand for - they can capture and convey a collection of experiences and at the same time inspire the understanding of something deeper, something far more profound, so that you can begin to heal (if required). 

And by giving us this vocabulary, Lindsay is doing God's work (partly because, let's face it, the entity doesn't exist). 

Can we even begin to understand something until we know what to call it? 

If you can name it, you can tame it. So I guess now I'm just gonna spend the rest of my life taming it. 

Thank you Lindsay. I hope something truly fantastic happens to you today.

Vicky (A City Girl's Thoughts)

I jumped around but this book helps people learn how to deal with their narcissistic or arrogant parent(s). Am glad to have read this

Julia

Not only is this book incredibly insightful in how to maneuver and view the emotional reactions of others, but it also works as a guide to viewing your own emotional reactions and building up your own emotional intelligence. 5/5

I thoroughly enjoyed listening to this, it’s broken down in parts where you can completely relate. This just felt like a completely validating hug which provides the tools and coping skills to continue on with your family relationships without emotionally draining yourself. 

I would recommend this to anyone who didn’t feel validated growing up or just wants to understand more about the inner workings of childhood trauma.

jaz ☁️

Listened to AudioBook: 

I thoroughly enjoyed listening to this, it’s broken down in parts where you can completely relate. This just felt like a completely validating hug which provides the tools and coping skills to continue on with your family relationships without emotionally draining yourself. 

I would recommend this to anyone who didn’t feel validated growing up or just wants to understand more about the inner workings of childhood trauma.

If you have any issues with your parents small or irreparable I would recommend this book.  It’ll help understanding why you act the way you do and some ways to combat those hurtful habits. 

Jacques Leslie

Sarah Pino

Omnya Ahmed

This is undoubtably one of the best self-help books I came across so far. It was really painful to read and hurt a lot but at the same time it was extremely comforting and eye opening, too. I never felt judged but deeply understood. And in difference to other therapeut-ish books it doesn’t stop after giving you explanations, leaving you with „and what should I do now?“ but provides exercises and advice.

I'd recommend this book to everyone struggling with emotionally immature parents, feeling existential lonely and misunderstood or having problems to build and maintain healthy, satisfying relationships or emotional intimacy. Inner work is a process and you won’t be 'healed' after finishing this read, but it might give you some insights and explanations to support you on your journey. Because to break self-destructive and often unconscious habits or patterns, you first have to be able to recognize and understand them. I learned that I am not alone with how I feel and got answers to many of my 

It was a life altering experience and I am more than grateful for this book.

There’s no reason you can’t have a happy life starting right now.

This is undoubtably one of the best self-help books I came across so far. It was really painful to read and hurt a lot but at the same time it was extremely comforting and eye opening, too. I never felt judged but deeply understood. And in difference to other therapeut-ish books it doesn’t stop after giving you explanations, leaving you with „and what should I do now?“ but provides exercises and advice.

I'd recommend this book to everyone struggling with emotionally immature parents, feeling existential lonely and misunderstood or having problems to build and maintain healthy, satisfying relationships or emotional intimacy. Inner work is a process and you won’t be 'healed' after finishing this read, but it might give you some insights and explanations to support you on your journey. Because to break self-destructive and often unconscious habits or patterns, you first have to be able to recognize and understand them. I learned that I am not alone with how I feel and got answers to many of my whys. It was a life altering experience and I am more than grateful for this book.

There’s no reason you can’t have a happy life starting right now.

If you grew up with an emotionally immature, unavailable, or selfish parent, you may have lingering feelings of anger, loneliness, betrayal, or abandonment. You may recall your childhood as a time when your emotional needs were not met, when your feelings were dismissed, or when you took on adult levels of responsibility in an effort to compensate for your parent's behavior. These wounds can be healed, and you can move forward in your life. In this breakthrough book, clinical psychologist Lindsay Gibson exposes the destructive nature of parents who are emotionally immature or unavailable. You will see how these parents create a sense of neglect, and discover ways to heal from the pain and confusion caused by your childhood. By freeing yourself from your parents' emotional immaturity, you can recover your true nature, control how you react to them, and avoid disappointment. Finally, you'll learn how to create positive, new relationships so you can build a better life. Discover the four types of difficult parents: The emotional parent instills feelings of instability and anxiety The driven parent stays busy trying to perfect everything and everyone The passive parent avoids dealing with anything upsetting The rejecting parent is withdrawn, dismissive, and derogatory.

How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, Or Self-Involved Parents (16pt Large Print Edition)

Elli Izo

Oh gosh. Please! That is not a scab I can afford to pick right now! Here I was, 10 pages deep in the sample downloaded onto my Kindle on a Monday night, thinking to myself, whilst dazed at the accuracy with which Gibson's words described some essences of my very own upbringing and adult life. I mustered great efforts over years to build a new-self (or role-self as the book would call it) that mostly runs emotionally detached, for such M.O. appears to have always functioned well as a survival mechanism for me, in work and in life. So as much as I love being understood, I was not the least ready to have my new-self fractured by a simple 4 hour read. 
But then, rather organically, I let go of that. My experience transformed from rejection to acceptance, as very quickly, I found myself being read like a book by the book. 
I wished for more of being heard, understood and advised by the loveable tone Gibson applied consistently throughout the writing of ACEIP. 

Just weeks before encountering this read, I was faced with a major family struggle of my own, where I feared for loss of integrity as a result of suspending contact with my biological parents and step-parents. Removing fake friends is easily a norm for anyone, unchallenged by today's world. But I pondered the appropriateness of this particular removal and thought I ought to be shocked at my own behaviour, in theory. Except I was NOT. 
In fact, not at all, after feeding on great affirmation provided by ACEIP. Why fall back into the dark place I walked too many miles and exhausted too many school years to come out of? 
Reading ACEIP, one highlight of my inner landscape change is coming to the realisation that my upbringing was never unique and I haven't given myself credit for being a survivor of the toxicity and dysfunction that is my family. It was also with great sense of reassurance unearthing the fact that suspending contact with emotionally immature parents who are incapable of change actually mitigates what would otherwise become wasteful use of time and energy for both ends. My intent now to approach all family matters as I would with every financial transaction puts my mind at ease. This is especially true knowing that I am only indebted to them for certain financial transactions (literally), and designing financial strategies to cover some of their expenditures perfectly falls in line with my vision of maturity awareness approach, for it literally honours the debt (with interest), takes emotions out of the equation, rendering the situation manageable for them as well as myself. This approach borrows from the realm of knowledge and practicality I am already confident with, AND meets their mode of reception. In addition, there is also the option of engaging the services of a lawyer and a tax accountant in administering all loose ends. The contractual relationship therewithin suffices in bringing financial complications to closure whilst my life continues undisrupted. 

Yes, ideally, a child should never have to grow up taking on such emotionless coping mechanisms against her parents. 
But the many readers out there like myself, and maybe Gibson too, would recognise merits of my approach. 

Perhaps when the worst part of a battle was already handled, a formal closure merely merged in due subsequence and naturally felt no emotional attachment?

I envisage a movement or two in the future though, however remote the possibility may be. Picture a movement that shall attract robust discussions and present challenges to those who wish to become parents - a movement that asks the question IF any human being shall obtain a parenting licence prior to parenting. If our laws prohibit professionals from giving financial advice, operating on patients, providing legal services without passing the fitness test in each respective field, what then makes it acceptable for anyone to become parents, qualification unassessed? Especially considering that a significant number of cases of mental illness and many societal complications today is deeply rooted in dysfunctional families where parents failed themselves as much as their children? 
(To think, even animal shelters assess prospective adopting/fostering parents in determining their ability to provide the love and care which the animals deserve. )

Shrouk Shafie

Insightful!!
Page turner, you always want to know more and more about your relationship with your parents, partners, siblings.
It describes almost everything I asked about when I was a kid. Totally recommend it!

Sage

considering this was written by a therapist in 2015, Lindsay Gibson really missed the whole concept of “both / and” in dis one 😶 ideas and language were a little too binary to feel truly eye-opening, but parts of it still felt useful in a “so-you’re-unpacking-your-relationship-w-your-parents-for-the-first-time-101” kinda way

How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents

Raag Sudha

Quite an insightful book. This gave me a lot of perspective on my life and my own childhood + relationship with my parents too. I think this book is a good primer / starter on understanding emotional immaturity, but I think I would have liked more depth and nuance as well. I think it is good as an introduction but definitely not as a be-all end-all on this subject. Will definitely explore this topic more and deepen my understanding beyond this book.

Caroline Lewicki

This was a really helpful and enlightening book. It doesn't ask you to do anything too dramatic, but to take a step back and examine the family members in your life that challenge your happiness. I learned a lot from this book and I'm really happy I read it when I did. I definitely needed it.

Jen Estrella

This is me 10/10 and the reason I have very few friends: Because they’re so attuned to feelings, internalizers are extremely sensitive to the quality of emotional intimacy in their relationships. Their entire personality longs for emotional spontaneity and intimacy, and they can’t be satisfied with less. Therefore, when they’re raised by immature and emotionally phobic parents, they feel painfully lonely. If there’s anything internalizers have in common, it’s their need to share their inner experience. As children, their need for genuine emotional connection is the central fact of their existence. Nothing hurts their spirit more than being around someone who won’t engage with them emotionally. A blank face kills something in them. They read people closely, looking for signs that they’ve made a connection. This isn’t a social urge, like wanting people to chat with; it’s a powerful hunger to connect heart to heart with a like-minded person who can understand them. They find nothing more exhilarating than clicking with someone who gets them. When they can’t make that kind of connection, they feel emotional loneliness.A lot of the concepts here I've already learned through therapy, but I still commend Lindsay Gibson for articulating them so well! This book actually teaches you about emotionally immature people and externalizers in general, not just parents. I found the concept of nonlinear vs linear perception of time to be super interesting! This and NVC would be the top 2 nonfiction books I would recommend to anyone.

Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents How to Heal from Difficult, Rejecting, Or Self-involved Parents

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