Reviews
** spoiler alert ** This is so bad it’s good. It’s like watching a B-movie, all with the special effects and random encounters. Here’s the plot, so you can appreciate the madness: It’s the early 90s. A movie star (Carter) finds a disk and gives it to his friend the costume designer (Ashwood). It’s encrypted, but she used to be a hacker (and a bank robber) and they track the owner — an archaeologist whos motivation is to prove to his parents that he’s not a failure. He wants to get on the cover of Nature, you see. What’s on the disk? A treasure map. So they go to Peru, get a local guide, Igor (!!!), find a lost city and adopt a cat. The archaeologist ambushes them (he brought his own cat) and they are all caught by an Amazon named Francesca da Rimini (her parents had a good radio and listened to opera) and the Fernandez brothers who dream of creating a soft drink brand that would bring the long lost glory of the Inca empire. There’s more. One of the cats scratches a giant egg-like thing and they all end up transported to a different planet, where Incas have been living since the time of Pizarro. They got access to weird alien tech and aren’t afraid of using it. Apparently, the cat activated a portal that has been dormant for a long time and now the Incas are about to wage war on the Spaniards. So they move back to Earth with their Inca gold, losing the original group (Carter, Ashwood and Igor) somewhere along the way. Oh, and one of their military ships gets accidentally transported to an island in the Pacific, so they have almost no army as well. 🤷♂️ Back on Earth, the villains—the Incas, the archaeologist, the amazon and the IncaCola entrepreneurs, together with a gossip reporter—are thinking of ways to wipe out Spain and the best way to do this is... drumroll... A SOAP OPERA. THAT IS SHOT LIVE. IN EDINBURGH. Yes, they are going to film a soap opera that will send subliminal messages to all the Europe. When is Spain going to crumble? That’s right, at a football match — Barcelona is playing Liverpool soon. Of course! While this happens, our heroes meet three giant space carrots who apparently left all that tech the Incas were using. The carrots are a super species, and have been on Earth several times, befriending and inspiring Lewis Caroll (they are the Boojums). Oh, and these Boojums subsist on anchovies. So yeah, they want to infiltrate the movie set and send their own subliminal messages to counter the Incan ones. In the end, there’s a confrontation between the two cats, who are controlling the planet all along, and a giant set of explosions. <3 Thank you, thrift book shop for this experience. It’s unforgettable, but I’m not sure I want it again soon.