Ashley Winstead

"Deeply drawn characters and masterful storytelling come together to create an addictive and riveting psychological thriller. Put this one at the very top of your 2021 reading list." --Liv Constantine, internationally bestselling author of The Last Mrs. Parrish Six friends. One college reunion. One unsolved murder. Ten years after graduation, Jessica Miller has been invited back to her university for a reunion and she is obsessed with dazzling everyone with her beauty and success. This time when they see her, it has to be perfect because she is perfect. Not the girl she was when she left campus, back when Heather Shelby's murder fractured everything, including the tight bond linking the six friends she'd been closest to since freshman year. But there's more at stake than the delicious envy of her peers--not everyone is ready to move on. Not everyone can let Heather's murder go unsolved. In fact, someone has orchestrated the whole weekend to trap the real killer. As the weekend unfolds and they get closer to the truth, the group finds there was more than murder hidden amongst them on campus. Told in racing dual timelines, with a dark campus setting and a darker look at friendship, love, obsession and ambition, In My Dreams I Hold a Knife is an addictive, propulsive thriller you won't be able to put down.

A Novel

In My Dreams I Hold a Knife

"Jessica Miller plans to triumphantly return to Duquette University for her ten year reunion festivities. She's the most successful out of her entire group of friends, and she's ready to flaunt her achievements...even though her "friend group," known on campus as the East House Seven, doesn't really exist anymore. Ten years ago, Heather, one of their own, was murdered, fracturing the once close knit group. And then another friend was accused of committing the vile act, shattering whatever friendly feelings remained. Jessica thinks she's coming back to campus to bask in a wave of glory. She and her friends have no idea that someone has set an elaborate trap to catch the real killer and close the cold case for good."--

Alli

“I thought she was you!" Mint screamed, pointing at me, eyes blazing. ”I thought I was hurting you!"

It wasn't fair. People deserved more than that, more than a small, brief existence, only to fade away in the end.

"Sometimes I used to watch you," she said. "When you didn't know I was there."

It would be too obvious if she was the killer right??? 👀 

Happiness? That was a luxury I'd never been able to afford. Besides, Coop didn't know that I didn't deserve to be happy, even if Id wanted it.

I wanted them to see perfection. I ached for it in the deep, dark core of me: to be so good I left other people in the dust. 

Jessica Marie Miller. You have to know by now I love you. I made a sound of surprise. He smiled. "I feel like I've worn it on my sleeve since the day I met you." "The fortune" I said, three years too late. "Of course.”

Memories are powerful things. But-and this is important, my therapist said-so are the dark spaces. The things you choose, consciously or not, to repress. Always, they're the things you need protection from. The too much: too terrifying, too shameful, too devastating. The things that, if allowed, would threaten the very core of who you're supposed to be.

It was so easy to tell what you were feeling. It was right there on vour face for everyone to see. Longing when you passed other students, happiness when you saw Blackwell Tower, worry when you got close to Perkins Hall, where your class was. I remember thinking how innocent that was, or brave, how much I wanted to know vou."

I wanted to ask you out, freshman year" he said in a rush. "You taped the fortune on your door, and I thought there was hope. But then You Bid Day, when I walked into my room and you and Mint were on the bed... Mint was my roonmmate. And you obviously liked him. So I told myself to forget you. But I never could"

 "You could have" I said quietly. "You could've been with anyone. They all wonder why you don't date."

 He shook his head. "Tell them I've been out of my mind for you since we were eighteen. There's no one else for me. I thought I could handle being with you in secret, because at least Id get part of you. I told you when we started that I wanted more- I could still hear those words: I'm telling you upfront. I need more. I need you over and over. Even remembering them brought heat to my face. "But more's not enough. 

What do you want, then?" My heart was pounding so hard I could feel it rattling my rib cage. He looked at me, green eyes serious. "I want everything.” 

Instead of looking at me-my desperation-with disgust, Coop's face softened. It was a look I knew well. I used to think of it as one of his private faces, an expression he reserved just for me, a secret code for a secret feeling. Id learned, too late, that it had always been bigger than that.

I shivered, and he captured my mouth. His was warm and tasted faintly herbal. I’m not an Eagle Scout. Il do things you hate." Coop. The boy who always said things that were too close to the truth, the one who made me uncomfortable, who looked at me too long too closely. "Why are you telling me this?" "Im giving you an out.  "Ive wanted you since the first day I saw you, walking to class in your pleated skirt. I've spent three years thinking about this. Three years, not allowed to touch you, or breathe a word.”

“Jess." When I turned, I found Coop leaning so close our knees almost touched. I inched back. My heartbeat notched higher. And Irealie lized: It was just the two of us. In a private room. "I understand everything about you. I know you're obsesser making Kappa the top sorority because the Chi Os rejected you. I now you're obsessed with Mint and the Phi Delts because everyone else is. and it's a status symbol. I know you sneak Adderall to study all night even though econ makes you want to kill yourself. And now I know you charge thousands of dollars to a credit card you can't afford just to fit in with Ijumped to my feet. "Stop it, Coop. Shut up." He got to his feet, too, taking a step toward me. When l pulled back, he grinned, a glint in his eyes. I understand," he said slowly, drawing the words out, that youd do anything to win. Yoưre kind of a sociopath"

He dropped his keys on his desk and walked to the door. "Stay right there. I'm going to get us root beer and Red Vines so we can get some sugar in your system, Those are your favorites, right? You're always eating Red Vines when you study." 

The next day, rolling awake in bed, trash-bag dress sticking to my legs, I finally opened Coops fortune. Seven strange words: Today, some- thing starts that will never end. 

I shook my head, the movement slight. He smiled a small, knowing smile and held the joint out to Heather, who took it immediately. His eyes found ne again. Brandon Cooper. East House, floor three" Jessica Miller. I pressed sweaty hands against my dress. "On four:" "I know. He reached into his pocket, digging for something. When he pulled his hand out, he held a small piece of paper. "I got this for you.

I took a deep breath and yelled, "Come on, Coop" He turned and raised his brows. I raised mine. A challenge. Suddenly he was slapping one of the guys hands, passing something between them, and walking in the door, cuting across the dance floor, Caro and Frankie whooped; Jack grinned with the whiskey bottle outstretched. And inside me was a feeling I barely recognized, one I didnt have words for. The closest might have been Look what I an do or Oh, what have I done. But Coop didn't come to me. He walked straight to Caro

Lindsay

Wanted to like this more but couldn’t get behind the main character and the “twist” end didn’t land with me 

Emily Lucie

wow all of the characters are so unlikeable! i still enjoyed the story though 

ayoni

I don't think I've ever found the cast of a book unlikeable before, let alone this insufferable, and still enjoyed the reading experience.

blue

Okay so this was one of the most unexpected endings i've read. I didn't see it coming from a mile away, so I was really shocked that people genuinely said that this ending was so predicatable. 

Jessica is terrible person, let me get that straight. BUT, the way she felt, the way she acted, the reasons she behaved the way she did was so... I don't want to say relatable BUT, it was a good reason that justified her thoughts and emotions. NGL i thought it was her who killed Heather, so finding out who actually did it was crazy. 

The plot was great, but this book depsite being a 300 page book, felt very long, almost as though there was an issue with the pacing.

surtified™

Okay so this was one of the most unexpected endings i've read. I didn't see it coming from a mile away, so I was really shocked that people genuinely said that this ending was so predicatable. 
Jessica is terrible person, let me get that straight. BUT, the way she felt, the way she acted, the reasons she behaved the way she did was so... I don't want to say relatable BUT, it was a good reason that justified her thoughts and emotions. NGL i thought it was her who killed Heather, so finding out who actually did it was crazy. 

The plot was great, but this book depsite being a 300 page book, felt very long, almost as though there was an issue with the pacing.

In My Dreams I Hold a Knife is full of insufferable characters but, like in A Secret History, not in a way that was a turn-off. They were elitist with narcissistic undertones, so the moral ambiguity of the characters was central. It was a book that pissed me off but was so tense I could not put it down, especially when it was all unravelling towards the end.

Midnight is the Darkest Hour didn’t live up to expectations so I was reluctant to explore this author further, but I’m glad I eventually picked this up. It is a perfect book if you like dark academia and morally grey characters.

Eleanor 

In My Dreams I Hold a Knife is full of insufferable characters but, like in A Secret History, not in a way that was a turn-off. They were elitist with narcissistic undertones, so the moral ambiguity of the characters was central. It was a book that pissed me off but was so tense I could not put it down, especially when it was all unravelling towards the end.

Midnight is the Darkest Hour didn’t live up to expectations so I was reluctant to explore this author further, but I’m glad I eventually picked this up. It is a perfect book if you like dark academia and morally grey characters.

So bad, and not even the good kind of bad. I was so bored, this lady needed to stop yapping. The audiobook had no business being ten hours. 

a book full of awful characters who are awful people and cheat on each other with each other. Hated this 

Jessie!

So bad, and not even the good kind of bad. I was so bored, this lady needed to stop yapping. The audiobook had no business being ten hours. 

a book full of awful characters who are awful people and cheat on each other with each other. Hated this 

Louise mcdonagh

So good, so many twists and turns, kept me captivated start to finish.

radhika dhawan

it is 5am as i type this but hoLY SHIT WTF i loved this!!!! every character is SO well flushed out and the character exposition from the very beginning is INCREDIBLE and the pacing and the way the author decided what bits of information to reveal and how and when. what an incredible book i will think about these characters forever

Daphne

Honestly? The ending kind of ruined it for me, that very last piece of the puzzle. It makes sense with the character but still I didn't like it. None of the characters felt like adults, all of them were childish as fuck. I still enjoyed it even though the murderer was pretty obvious.

Madeline Frank

Definitely a really enjoyable read! I love how fast pace the story was, and the changing time periods/characters I really enjoyed, as it kept me very engaged with the story! I really did enjoy how the book ended - it makes SO much sense but you never see it coming! That being said, the characters did not truly experience much growth, and Jessica the main character is not the best BUT her personality fits the story SO well!

The characters were all kind of awful in cliché ways, but I devoured this and I didn’t guess the ending!

Amelia Hruby

buny

** spoiler alert **
           Bonkers.... 

"Sometimes, you didn’t have to lift a finger. Sometimes, you could do nothing and get exactly what you wanted." 

........ 😃

Really tense atmosphere ✅️
Complicated main character ✅️ 
Dark academia ✅️ (yes, I do think this book was dark academia even if loosely given the present timeline but from how I see it, the very core of Jessica's character, her motivations and aspirations and obsession w achieving the "I am the best" title came from academia and her father's fixation w it.) 
Murder mystery ✅️ 

Was made for me if you will but the  who  and  why  of Heather's murder felt flat to me. And the ending piled onto that confusion so I'm not too sure it I liked it or not. I found it very clever of the author to make every one of East House Seven play small but significant part in Heather's murder though bc the moment I read all that, I was like wow. Now I'm kinda curious to read TBC 🤔

Megan Christensen

I do not believe this was author's intention but this less (narratively) successful Pretty Little Liars. It read quite juvenile - the scene of everyone meeting at the same time was particularly egregious.

The book could have worked well if it had managed to make us care about any of side-character members of the friend group (randomly writing a single chapter from their POV very much did not achieve that) or had made Jessica and Heather both feel like fleshed out characters that we root for.

Is Jessica technically an underdog? Could have her situation made a comment on elitism within academia? Yes and yes. Did the novel do anything to demonstrate this or make us care in any meaningful way? No. Likewise, did we get any real sense of what made Heather so enthralling and loveable to everyone else? Not really (it really sounded like she got things handed over to her). Truly think of Alison DiLaurentis and how entirely plausible it would be for her to make those girls both worship her and hate her guts.

What is even less in the favour of the novel is that another apt comparison would be Cruel Summer (the TV show, not the Taylor Swift song). The TV show manages to present a similar dynamic much more compellingly without oversimplifying either of the main characters, Jeanette and Kate, and makes for a much more interesting piece of fiction.

It is unfortunate that "In My Dreams I Hold a Knife" falls short of its potential. Even with other similar properties covering some of the same concepts, it could have still been well done.

I do not believe this was author's intention but this less (narratively) successful Pretty Little Liars. It read quite juvenile - the scene of everyone meeting at the same time was particularly egregious.

The book could have worked well if it had managed to make us care about any of side-character members of the friend group (randomly writing a single chapter from their POV very much did not achieve that) or had made Jessica and Heather both feel like fleshed out characters that we root for.

Is Jessica technically an underdog? Could have her situation made a comment on elitism within academia? Yes and yes. Did the novel do anything to demonstrate this or make us care in any meaningful way? No. Likewise, did we get any real sense of what made Heather so enthralling and loveable to everyone else? Not really (it really sounded like she got things handed over to her). Truly think of Alison DiLaurentis and how entirely plausible it would be for her to make those girls both worship her and hate her guts.

What is even less in the favour of the novel is that another apt comparison would be Cruel Summer (the TV show, not the Taylor Swift song). The TV show manages to present a similar dynamic much more compellingly without oversimplifying either of the main characters, Jeanette and Kate, and makes for a much more interesting piece of fiction.

It is unfortunate that "In My Dreams I Hold a Knife" falls short of its potential. Even with other similar properties covering some of the same concepts, it could have still been well done.

Ellys MC

chloe rae

4.5

Incredibly addicting, I honestly could not put this book down. SO MUCH FUN. Had me guessing until the end!

Syahla Aurel

Sometimes, you didn't have to lift a finger. Sometimes, you could do nothing and get exactly what you wanted.

I'm not really blown away by the plot twist, but the story's delivery was great and detailed. For a mystery-thriller book this is a pretty good one. If you like something that is similar to The Secret History or IWWV, then maybe you would like this one.

This book felt like gossip girl and Abercrombie & Fitch in the 2000s. Lots of twists and turns! Only thing is that the audiobook DEF should’ve had different voice actors bc there’s like 8 characters and it gets confusing lol. 

Kyra Cracchiola

I hated everyone but Coop (he's on verrrryyyyyy thin ice tho).

Holly

Denaiir

I'm SO disappointed that I didn't like that one more. I probably had too high expectations since several people recommended it and gave it 5 stars. I guess I don't like the "dark academia" setting that much: bad people, stupid pranks, annoying rivalries, rich pricks. It reminded my a lot about "The IT Girl": too long, about a hundred pages should have been cut out and the plot was not that gripping. At the end of the main plot it picked up a little and I forgot how I hated the main character, but then the epilogue part went on and on and on and it lost a star.

The premise of this book is really interesting and, while not original, is done really well. I was able to guess the killer however his motivation was unknown until the reveal and definitely was unexpected. At times the writing felt a little juvenile but overall a good solid mystery book

Soph

Throw a bunch of pretentious rich kids and jealous perfectionists together, add some cheating, lying, a murder and let chaos ensue. I could not put this book down - there was so much DRAMA and everyone is the worst - I ate it up. A great dark academia thriller for the fall if you're looking for a quick & entertaining read. 

In My Dreams I Hold a Knife A Novel

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