Gaie Sebold

Babylon Steel, ex-sword-for-hire, runs the best brothel in Scalentine; city of many portals, two moons, and a wide variety of races, were-creatures, and religions, not to mention the occasional insane warlock. Babylon Steel, ex-sword-for-hire, ex-other things, runs the best brothel in Scalentine; city of many portals, two moons, and a wide variety of races, were-creatures, and religions, not to mention the occasional insane warlock. She’s not having a good week. The Vessels of Purity are protesting against brothels, women in the trade are being attacked, it’s tax time, and there’s not enough money to pay the bill. So when the mysterious Darask Fain offers her a job finding a missing girl, Babylon decides to take it. But the missing girl is not what she seems, and neither is Darask Fain. In the meantime twomoon is approaching, and more than just a few night’s takings are at risk when Babylon’s hidden past reaches out to grab her by the throat.

Babylon Steel

Sarah Escorsa

Actual rating: 4.8698548458 stars. And a half.

Acute Acronymitis (AA™) is strong in this one. So consider your little selves warned and stuff. Oh, and by the way, I tried to make this short. I really did. I miserably failed. I really did.

① Thou shalt not judge this book by its Super Extra Deceiving Cover (SEDC™). No, thou shalt not.

② Thou shalt not judge this book by its Mighty Plenty Misleading Blurb (MPMB™). No, thou shall not.

Because NO, this is not some Remarkably Light and Uncommonly Trashy Humorous Fantasy Type Thingie (RLaUTHFTT™). And because YES, this is an Awesome Piece of Awesome Awesomeness (APoAA™), packed with, um, you know, awesome stuff. “What kind of awesome stuff,” you ask? The kind that makes me feel a little like this:



Aka Nearly Almost Pure Bliss (NAPB™) and stuff. Sorry, what? You want more details? Crispy darnation of the gosh-darn damnation! But you are a relentlessly demanding bunch, Little Barnacles Mine! Well you know what? In luck you seem to be, for uncharacteristically particularly amicable and uncommonly exceptionally generous I feel today, and reveal to you what makes Babylon Steel a most excellent APoAA™ graciously I shall (view spoiler)[
  payment preferably in severed limbs to be collected at the end of the crappy non-review. My pleasure and stuff
 (hide spoiler)]:

⚡️
  The Yummilicious World
 ⚡️
A healthy dose of Fantasy + a touch of Sci-Fi = the originally fresh and freshly imaginative setting of this book. This is a deliciously intriguing, scrumptiously fleshed-out world made of different planes connected by mysterious portals, and populated by humans and weird creatures and alien-like races and gods and avatars and stuff. Where did the portals come from? How do they work? Is it magic? Is it some long-lost technology? No one has a bloody fishing clue. Hey, looks like Little Barnacles are not the only clueless bunch around! Be glad and rejoice, my Tiny Decapods, for there might be hope for you yet! Just kidding.



Some People of the Despicable Book Taste (PotDBT™) might argue that this book is fraught with bucket loads of unnecessary info dumping *eyerolls so much she nearly loses one of her beloved compound eyes* Do you puny humans seriously think I’d be here writing a 4.8698548458-star review if that were the case? Or did you forget I was awarded the I Have As Much Patience As a Teenage Hermit Crab on Crack Prize (IHAMPAaTHCoCP™) DNFs Overly Descriptive Fantasy Books of Death Faster Than It Takes To Say Unleash The Crustaceans Medal (DNFODFBoDFTITTSUTCM™) multiple times? NO, the book isn’t supremely action-packed and YES, there are more descriptions than my exoskeleton is used to withstand, but instead of dragging the pace of the book down and turning the story into the perfect cure for insomnia, said descriptions make for a very vivid, vibrant world that sucks you right in and feels amazingly real. So QED and stuff.

⚡️
  The Delectably Intriguing Story
 ⚡️
Okay, to be revoltingly honest, the premise of the book isn’t that exciting: Babylon Steel, my new, brothel boss of a girlfriend (she’s already been safely locked up in the Maximum Security Wing of my High Security Harem, so don’t you get any silly ideas in your silly little heads) is in bad need of hard cash to pay her taxes, and therefore takes a job from a mysteriously mysterious casino owner to look for a mysteriously mysterious missing girl. Most mysterious, maybe, but neither terribly fascinating nor stupendously original, I admit. Nevertheless, however and stuff. Things are not as simple as they first appear to be, you see, and what started off as your Tremendously Average Search and Rescue Operation (TASaRO™) quickly turns into a Super Extra Crunchy Tale with Unsuspected Depth on Top (SECTwUDoT™). 



Yes, RLY, dear Creepy Child. Your curiosity has been appropriately piqued, I hope?

“And how exactly did Sebold manage such a feat,” you ask? By masterfully alternating two seemingly unrelated plotlines that flawlessly blend into one as the story progresses and add a shitload bucketloads of complexity to the book, that’s how. Also: twists and turns and surprises, oh my! I rest in my case.

⚡️ 
  Babylon Steel aka The Swashbuckling Babe
⚡️
My new girlfriend is prime harem material pretty much perfect, if you ask me: she is strong, she is tough, she is fierce, she is independent. She is also honest and compassionate and beautifully smart-mouthed. She doesn’t take crap from anyone. She has an obscure past. She is unapologetic about who she is and what her life choices are. She can be vulnerable but spoiler spoiler spoiler and stuff. She thinks swords are the best fashion accessories ever. She is a former mercenary turned brothel owner. And she says stuff like this:

  “You’ll regret this, Babylon Steel!”
“Oh, get in line,” I said. “But right now, get your arse out the door, Crewe, before I slice myself some pork.”
How the fish was I supposed to NOT fall in lurve with her, I ask you?! Especially since she comes fully equipped with a Most Excellent Crew of Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious Sidekicks (MECoSS™). Poof Gone Harem (PGH™), I say!

⚡️ 
  Diversity Wonderland
⚡️
Rarely have I come across such a Lusciously Colourful Cast of Wondrously Diverse Characters (LCCoWDC™). There are Fey, there are fauns, there are lamias. There are angels and were-people and emotion-sucking vamps. There are blue people and furry people and apron-wearing people with gleaming tusks. There are mouse-like people who blush lavender and hermaphrodite half-human half-giant furry caterpillar people (don’t ask). There are super hot lizard people who make me swoon and drool and stuff (I kid you not), and people who look like fat green dogs. It’s kind of like ♫ It’s A Small World ♫, only a little, um, you know, weirder and stuff.



Sorry what, you got that silly, stupid song delightful tune stuck in your little head and it’s all my fault? Why, you are quite welcome, my Comely Branchiopoda. My pleasure and stuff.

The great thing is, the supremely diverse diversity in this book isn’t only limited to the characters’ species/skin color and texture/physical appearance/whatever. There are different cultures, religions and belief systems. There are different sexual orientations and gender identities. And, bless my shrimpy gods, this is NOT one of those infuriating books where the author uses diversity as a gimmick, or because it’s cool and the in thing to do. Sebold, with her down-to-earth, realistic writing, makes it all feel genuine and natural. As it should be. She doesn’t judge the characters or try to explain/justify their choices. This is who they are and what they do, period. (That is what makes Sebold’s take on sex and sex workers particularly refreshing, methinks.) She is candid, honest, and open-minded, which does wonders for the narrative and makes the reader accept what could potentially be, um, slightly, err, awkward situations without blinking. I mean, the last time I read about a human/weird bug intra-species relationship, I nearly nuked our silly planet to tiny little pieces in retaliation (view spoiler)[
  yes, I am indeed looking at you, Sirantha Jax of the Disastrously Disastrous Disaster of Epic Proportions (SJofDDDoEP™)
 (hide spoiler)]. Here, however, a certain hot scene involving a certain hot lizard I may or may not have mentioned previously had me fangirling like a slightly hysterical, underage decapod in heat (and on acid).



This is a dog, you say? Not a slightly hysterical, underage decapod in heat (and on acid)? Oh please, don’t be ridiculous. Do you seriously think I don’t know what a decapod looks like? Need I remind you that I used to breed murderous crustaceans for a living? I think I know what unbalanced Malacostraca look like better than you ever will, you Silly Amphipodian Bunch (SAB™). So don’t insult me and stuff.

⚡️ 
  The Trope Crushing Fest
⚡️
So first, Sebold starts by mercilessly (and most deliciously) blowing up every misconstrued, preconceived notions one might have about prostitution. All ridiculous clichés about sex workers get viciously butchered along, obviously. Then Sebold goes on her merry way, cheerfully demolishing overused and overworked Fantasy tropes such as the Usually Yawn Worthy “Chosen” Business (UYWCB™). And finally she goes in for the kill by joyfully slaughtering what must be the Undisputed Monarch of All Suicide-Inducing Fantasy Tropes (UMoASIFT™): the Magically Enhanced Dubious Consent of Doom and Complete Annihilation of All Life on this Planet Bullshit (MEDCoDaCAoALotPB™). And that is quite orgasmic highly satisfying, if you ask me. And even if you don’t. Ask me, I mean.

⚡️ 
  Hahahahaha. Haha. Hahahaha. Ha.
⚡️
I think one can fairly say that some parts of this book might possibly be somewhat amusing and moderately droll. Maybe. Perhaps. I mean, Fleet Admiral DaShrimp of the Decidedly Stern Disposition (FADSotDSD™) read the book along with me, and I actually caught him gleefully LOLing away multiples times. Now if that isn’t undeniable proof that this book is somewhat amusing and moderately droll, I don’t know what is.

➽ And the moral of this Why The Stinking Fish Does This Book Have Such a Pathetically Miserable Average Star Rating Aren’t You People Tired of Reading Books Wrong Crappy Non Review (WtSFDTBHSaPMASRAYPToRBWCNR™) is: as my favorite sexpot of a lizard would say, “Pain for fun? You mammals are weird.” Truer words were never spoken, methinks.

➽ And the other moral of this WtSFDTBHSaPMASRAYPToRBWCNR™ is:



(view spoiler)[
  DUH.
 (hide spoiler)]

P.S. Babylon? MINE. Kittack? MINE. Chief Bitternut? MINE. Glinchen of The “Stabbings in the Chestings?” MINE. Any faun within a 10,000 mile radius? MINE. As for the rest of the characters, I’m pre-emptively kidnapping adopting 98.5769% of them. Just in case. So kindly back off and stuff.

· Book 2: Dangerous Gifts ★★★★★



[Pre-review nonsense]

This book kinda sorta made me feel a little like this:



(I think this might mean I may have enjoyed it somewhat. Perhaps.)

➽ Full Behold Babylon Steel Ruthless Destroyer of Silly Fantasy Tropes and Unforgiving Champion of Most Deliciously Diverse Diversity Crappy Non review (BBSRDoSFTaUCoMDDDCNR™) to come.



➽
  Excerpt from ze blurb
: Babylon Steel, ex-sword-for-hire, ex… other things, runs the best brothel in Scalentine; city of many portals, two moons, and a wide variety of races, were-creatures, and religions, not to mention the occasional insane warlock.

Wow. This has the potential to be either superiorly craptastic, or stupendously awesome. Either way, it's only $0.99 today so you might want to grab a copy posthaste and stuff. At least if the book ends up being eminently suicide-inducing you won't regret spending your great great great great grandchildren's inheritance on it.



I know, right? Oh, and by the way, I love your hairstyle. Just thought you'd like to know. You are quite welcome.

Babylon Steel

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