Baek Sehee

Aku : Bagaimana caranya agar bisa mengubah pikiran bahwa saya ini standar dan biasa saja?
Psikiater : Memangnya hal itu merupakan masalah yang harus diperbaiki?
Aku : Iya, karena saya ingin mencintai diri saya sendiri.

I Want To Die But I Want To Eat Tteokpokki adalah esai yang berisi tentang pertanyaan, penilaian, saran, nasihat, dan evaluasi diri yang bertujuan agar pembaca bisa menerima dan mencintai dirinya.

Buku self improvement ini mendapatkan sambutan baik karena pembaca merasakan hal yang sama dengan kisah Baek Se Hee sehingga buku ini mendapatkan predikat bestseller di Korea Selatan.

I Want to Die But I Want to Eat Tteokpokki

죽고 싶지만 떡볶이는 먹고 싶어

THE PHENOMENAL KOREAN BESTSELLER PSYCHIATRIST: So how can I help you? ME: I don't know, I'm – what's the word – depressed? Do I have to go into detail? Baek Se-Hee is a successful young social media director at a publishing house when she begins seeing a psychiatrist about her – what to call it? – depression? She feels persistently low, anxious, endlessly self-doubting, but also highly judgemental of others. She hides her feelings well at work and with friends; adept at performing the calmness, even ease, her lifestyle demands. The effort is exhausting, overwhelming, and keeps her from forming deep relationships. This can't be normal. But if she's so hopeless, why can she always summon a yen for her favourite street food, the hot, spicy rice cake, tteokbokki? Is this just what life is like? Recording her dialogues with her psychiatrist over a 12-week period, Baek begins to disentangle the feedback loops, knee-jerk reactions and harmful behaviours that keep her locked in a cycle of self-abuse. Part memoir, part self-help book, I Want to Die but I Want to Eat Tteokbokki is a book to keep close and to reach for in times of darkness.

I Want to Die but I Want to Eat Tteokbokki

Where do the questions we've swallowed end up? Do they scatter somewhere or sink deep inside of us? Do they manifest in strange behaviours or habits? And wouldn't such silence come in the way of making deeply felt connections with others? That's what I fear the most.

My focus was on the coldness of others, and that left my life with no warmth at all.

So I turn my gaze. From despair to hope. From discomfort to comfort. From the majority to the minority. From the things that are useful but make me rust to the things that are useless but make me beautiful.

What do I wish for? I want to love and be loved. Without suspicion, and with ease. That's it.

When we're sinking in water, it can be a relief to feel the ground beneath our feet, the rock bottom, because we know we can kick against it to rise again. But if you can't feel the ground in life, the fear can be overwhelming. So maybe it's good to find your rock bottom.

The important thing here isn't whether you are being loved, it’s how you will accept the love that comes your way.

Too close to home - secondary school paz would be “😳”

 I wanted to avoid the looks-judging gaze, which is why I used to not do anything to my looks. No make-up, oversized clothing. Because then I don't get hurt and I can relax.

Right now, your relationship is narrow, like a triangle, and pierces your heart… The deeper and more varied relationships you have, the rounder your mind will be, and the less the angles will pierce you.

'Emotions have something like pas-sageways, and if you keep blocking your bad emotions, you end up blocking your good emotions as well.'

Low-key made my stomach drop because of the time and place it took me back to.. EEK

When you said you felt so comfortable with me, it made me feel pathetic that I was feeling uncomfortable myself.

"I must have someone who loves me. Someone must ask after me every day for me to be alone.'

I've also realised that revealing my darkness is just as natural a thing to do as revealing my light.

As someone who studied an art that was my “passion” my ears perked up when I heard this in the audiobook. It took me a long time to be able to enjoy music as a hobby again, and picking up new hobbies without pressuring myself to excel at them. It was great to have this reflected in a book.

Alison Mejury

She is taken for granted if she delivers a good performance but is heavily criticized if she happens to hit a sour note. She lives in constant fear of being judged harshly. Many people must feel this way. It’s why we can’t enjoy the things we chose to study because we loved them. It’s why many would rather find the nearest mouse-hole to hide in than take the chance to develop their interest.

maddie

Once I turn my gaze, I see the more interesting aspects of life. And my gaze guides my behaviour. And my behaviour changes my life. I realise that I can't change all by myself; what makes me really change are the myriad things of the universe that my gaze happens to rest upon.

I see. I like to be by myself a lot. But only under one condition: I must have someone who loves me. Someone must want to know how I am every day for me to be happy alone.

You have this superego that exerts control over you, a superego built not only from your own experiences but cobbled together from all sorts of things that you admire, creating an idealised version of yourself. But that idealised version of yourself is, in the end, only an ideal.

trúc hân

If you want to be happy, you mustn't fear the following truths but confront them head-on: one, that we are always unhappy, and that our sadness, suffering and fear have good reasons for existing. Two, that there is no real way to separate these  feelings completely from ourselves.

deniz

I want to enjoy the tides of feeling in me as the rhythms of life. I want to be the kind of person who can walk inside the vast darkness and find the one fragment of sunlight I can linger in for a long time.

We are so bad at mourning in our society. Maybe it’s a failure of respect. Some call those who choose their own death sinners or failures or losers who give up. Is living until the end really a triumph in every case? As if there can be any true winning or losing in this game of life.

I am someone who is completely unique in this world, someone I need to take care of for the rest of my life, and therefore someone I need to help take each step forward, warmly and patiently, to allow to rest on some days and to encourage on others – I believe that the more I look into this strange being, myself, the more routes I will find to happiness.

i think all my life i've been focused on making the right decisions; ones that would get me approval from the society, from my mom. but what i failed to consider was my ending point: after taking the correct train, after fulfilling all of those expectations, would the destination be satisfactory? would it make me happy? maybe my path wasn't shaped by my wishes but by outside forces. maybe that's why no matter how high i climb i feel like i'm on the wrong hill. maybe that's why i never truly feel happy and proud of myself.

you might have mistaken taking the train with your destination, losing sight of the actual destination. The whole time you were caught up in societal prejudices and norms.

To right every wrong you come across in the world would be an impossible endeavour for any one person. You’re just one person, and you’re putting too much of the weight of the world on yourself.

i think it's less about time and more about vulnerability. being honest starts from being honest to ourselves, and we're rarely honest to ourselves about our feelings. mostly we don't even know how to name them, even though a name doesn't need to be given to a feeling for it to be real.

Why are we so bad at being honest about our feelings? Is it because we’re so exhausted from living that we don’t have the time to share them?

i decided on rereading this book because of the news about the author passing. it was really unexpected… and truly sad, especially knowing that she was only 35.

this book gave me a lot of comfort the first time—which was some time last year while i was fighting battles, aka last year of college. and of course, it still had the same effect postgrad.

although i’m not officially clinically diagnosed, it felt relieving to see and read about someone who was going through something similar. reading about her feelings made me feel like i wasn’t alone, especially that i’m going through some quarter life crisis. in some ways, she was sort of an ‘ate figure’.

i’m still honestly still heartbroken about her passing. whatever the cause was, i hope it at least brought her peace. and i hope she knew that her books and writing really helped a lot of people…

hopefully, i get to read her second book soon but for now, i’m satisfied with book 1 since it helped me clear my head.

jinny

i decided on rereading this book because of the news about the author passing. it was really unexpected… and truly sad, especially knowing that she was only 35.

this book gave me a lot of comfort the first time—which was some time last year while i was fighting battles, aka last year of college. and of course, it still had the same effect postgrad.

although i’m not officially clinically diagnosed, it felt relieving to see and read about someone who was going through something similar. reading about her feelings made me feel like i wasn’t alone, especially that i’m going through some quarter life crisis. in some ways, she was sort of an ‘ate figure’.

i’m still honestly still heartbroken about her passing. whatever the cause was, i hope it at least brought her peace. and i hope she knew that her books and writing really helped a lot of people…

hopefully, i get to read her second book soon but for now, i’m satisfied with book 1 since it helped me clear my head.

I love how raw this book is. It might get boring for a bit because of the simplicity and the conversations between the writer and the psychiatrist, but it comforts you when you find yourself in the same situation, or if you were. I read it in Korean and English at the same time and it’s pretty interesting to see how it translates over.

Alisha

can you ever rate a book so personal ? This review is not about me but about how important it is for this book to exist. 

Claire Maguet

i usually don’t read stuff like this but i wanted to give it a try. some parts were really enlightening and then others were pretty dull. overall i think it was a decent read. 

millie

3.5 ⭐️

i usually don’t read stuff like this but i wanted to give it a try. some parts were really enlightening and then others were pretty dull. overall i think it was a decent read. 

I could relate with a bunch of situations but mostly I liked at this book that it helped me realize some stuff about me and set me in that state of meditation

Khatliyn

Felt for the author and found her to be very relatable. The whole concept of the book was really interesting and new to me - can’t wait to read her new book which is meant to be a continuation of her therapy sessions! 

There were several instances (especially around the middle of the book) where I felt like she was describing me, my thought process and things I’ve experienced/done so perfectly that it was kind of freaky! Especially chapter 9? Every page was a “oh damn!” - very eye opening and comforting in a way. Seeing the therapists responses and advice to her experiences was basically like free therapy for me as well, a win win 🤩 

Felt for the author and found her to be very relatable. The whole concept of the book was really interesting and new to me - can’t wait to read her new book which is meant to be a continuation of her therapy sessions! 

There were several instances (especially around the middle of the book) where I felt like she was describing me, my thought process and things I’ve experienced/done so perfectly that it was kind of freaky! Especially chapter 9? Every page was a “oh damn!” - very eye opening and comforting in a way. Seeing the therapists responses and advice to her experiences was basically like free therapy for me as well, a win win 🤩 

It feels wrong to be rating someone's personal therapy transcripts - but I enjoyed this read and found many tidbits that resonated with me. Since I can relate it is a bit melancholic but I still found it impactful

cee 

i'm in this and i don't like it

I felt too seen. 

Anton Hur

The South Korean Hit Therapy Memoir Recommended by BTS's RM

"To learn about and imagine the emotions that I don't understand or immediately empathise with: that is the affection I extend to others, and the only way to ensure that what's inside of us doesn't dry up or rot. Maybe complete empathy is impossible, but we can certainly keep trying. I believe that trying in the face of this knowledge is the most worthwhile thing we can do."

Finally finished this after six months. I can count by hand the number of pages I haven't written on, as I've tried to share my thoughts and experiences with the topics they discuss during sessions. This isn't a substitute for therapy, I'm clearly aware of that, but I found comfort in this during my toughest days last year.

Definitely haven't heard anything life-changing from it, but this one's a good read. I have recommended it to my closest friends, who also love it. :)

"To learn about and imagine the emotions that I don't understand or immediately empathise with: that is the affection I extend to others, and the only way to ensure that what's inside of us doesn't dry up or rot. Maybe complete empathy is impossible, but we can certainly keep trying. I believe that trying in the face of this knowledge is the most worthwhile thing we can do."

Finally finished this after six months. I can count by hand the number of pages I haven't written on, as I've tried to share my thoughts and experiences with the topics they discuss during sessions. This isn't a substitute for therapy, I'm clearly aware of that, but I found comfort in this during my toughest days last year.

Definitely haven't heard anything life-changing from it, but this one's a good read. I have recommended it to my closest friends, who also love it. :)

Nisha

Highly relatable. Author was candid in revealing things she said even if she was embarrassed by then. The latter half of the book lost me a little because it was less cohesive.

chris

this was a very quick and easy book to read however i did have to take some pauses in between because i found too much stuff that i related with which made me want to take a moment to myself every time. i appreciate the author's honesty and vulnerability because i would never be able to share all this to someone let alone a big audience like the one her book received. the only wish i had throughout was that, apart from the therapy transcripts, we went more into depth on the author's afterthoughts but overall it was a good read.

mint

Bought at a bookstore in JFK airport as a last minute souvenir from New York.

[from the Notes app, written in the midst of reading]

 I Want to Die but I Want to Eat Tteokbokki

which, for some reason, my brain registers as, “Before I Die, I Want to Eat Tteokbokki”—like it’s a prerequisite for death and not a reason to live

Baek Se-hee just be telling everything to her psychiatrist, lol. But I don’t mean this as a dig on her, no. I mean, this book is basically halfway therapy for me (for the ‘humble’ price of [checks receipt] $19.59—tax included!) so, thank heavens she’s getting her vulnerability’s worth (and I, my money’s worth, let’s go?)…

In one of their sessions, Baek said something to her psychiatrist about finding it difficult to open herself up to people—to be vulnerable—without feeling guilty about it/hating herself for it/overthinking about it, overanalyzing it. But that’s exactly what she’s been doing in here. Is it because she’s paying much gold (Idk her psychiatrist’s rate) for it and that it’s the doctor’s job to listen to her, advise/guide her, prescribe her medications (more on this later), and validate but not tolerate her feelings that the guilt/shame/fear (the holy trinity) that usually comes with vulnerability are not as amplified? Because there’s a sense of professionalism/duty/obligation in what they’re doing?

Like, my friends are not obligated to listen to my whims so when I do whine, guilt/shame/fear (in this order) follow suit but once, for legal purposes, when a doctor of the brain asked me Why I Did What I Did, I was like, 

“This is TMI but [proceeds to tell the story of my life]”

 no hesitation whatsoever! (the result of this honesty was Not Good but Needed, just so you know. But we’re not talking about that).

And when I got to the chapter about medication, I was like, 

“Wow. At the end of the day, it really is still a corporeal matter, isn’t it?”

 The brain being sick, I mean. That whole bit reminded me of why I initially wanted to pursue Psychology for my undergraduate degree. Not because I felt a sense of duty to help others (just a halfway truth); not JUST because it is somehow implied that we’re expected to pursue something related to science, but because I was (still am, actually) fascinated with the brain. I wanted to study it closely. I want to dissect it (not literally per se, but if there’s a specimen that can be legally experimented with, why not). Told myself before that I’m going to be a neuropsychologist. Or neuropsychiatrist. Or neuroscientist. Whichever of the three.

I want to dive deeper into the ‘physical manifestations of mental illnesses’ and link it to Leslie Jamison’s The Empathy Exams (which I’ve been reading for forever) but I’ll put a pin on that and save it for another rambling.

It’s a great, big wonder—why we are the way we are.

frances

Bought at a bookstore in JFK airport as a last minute souvenir from New York.

[from the Notes app, written in the midst of reading]

Checkpoint: I Want to Die but I Want to Eat Tteokbokki

(which, for some reason, my brain registers as, “Before I Die, I Want to Eat Tteokbokki”—like it’s a prerequisite for death and not a reason to live)

Baek Se-hee just be telling everything to her psychiatrist, lol. But I don’t mean this as a dig on her, no. I mean, this book is basically halfway therapy for me (for the ‘humble’ price of [checks receipt] $19.59—tax included!) so, thank heavens she’s getting her vulnerability’s worth (and I, my money’s worth, let’s go?)…

Which brings us to the question: does vulnerability have a price? Like, a literal one. Monetary value.

In one of their sessions, Baek said something to her psychiatrist about finding it difficult to open herself up to people—to be vulnerable—without feeling guilty about it/hating herself for it/overthinking about it, overanalyzing it. But that’s exactly what she’s been doing in here. Is it because she’s paying much gold (Idk her psychiatrist’s rate) for it and that it’s the doctor’s job to listen to her, advise/guide her, prescribe her medications (more on this later), and validate but not tolerate her feelings that the guilt/shame/fear (the holy trinity) that usually comes with vulnerability are not as amplified? Because there’s a sense of professionalism/duty/obligation in what they’re doing?

Like, my friends are not obligated to listen to my whims so when I do whine, guilt/shame/fear (in this order) follow suit but once, for legal purposes, when a doctor of the brain asked me Why I Did What I Did, I was like, “This is TMI but [proceeds to tell the story of my life]” no hesitation whatsoever! (the result of this honesty was Not Good but Needed, just so you know. But we’re not talking about that).

So, is that how it is?

And when I got to the chapter about medication, I was like, “Wow. At the end of the day, it really is still a corporeal matter, isn’t it?” The brain being sick, I mean. That whole bit reminded me of why I initially wanted to pursue Psychology for my undergraduate degree. Not because I felt a sense of duty to help others (just a halfway truth); not JUST because it is somehow implied that we’re expected to pursue something related to science, but because I was (still am, actually) fascinated with the brain. I wanted to study it closely. I want to dissect it (not literally per se, but if there’s a specimen that can be legally experimented with, why not). Told myself before that I’m going to be a neuropsychologist. Or neuropsychiatrist. Or neuroscientist. Whichever of the three.

Just some Brain studying Other Brains.

I want to dive deeper into the ‘physical manifestations of mental illnesses’ and link it to Leslie Jamison’s The Empathy Exams (which I’ve been reading for forever) but I’ll put a pin on that and save it for another rambling.

It’s a great, big wonder—why we are the way we are.

elinabel hidalgo 

“I want to love and be loved. I want to find a way where I don’t hurt myself. I want to live a life where I say things are good more than things are bad. I want to keep failing and discovering new and better directions. I want to enjoy the tides of feeling in me as the rhythms of life. I want to be the kind of person who can walk inside the vast darkness and find the one fragment of sunlight I can linger in for a long time. 

Some day I will. .”

really enjoyed reading this one. It makes me realize how perfectly imperfect human beings are, and how we generally feel the things and react in different kinds of situations. so my rate for this one is 3.75 ⭐️⭐️⭐️

I WANT TO DIE BUT I WANT TO EAT TTEOKBOKKI.

juliana

Mina

The good thing about this book is that the author had courage to put out something as personal as transcriptions of her therapy sessions out for the world to read. Also, some good insights about what loving ourselves looks like.

But the book lacked structure. It includes a mix of personal essays and transcriptions of the author’s therapy sessions. It reads like someone’s therapy journal. Raw, unstructured, and good for rereading for insight on the author’s progress but not the best for a book. I wonder if this would have been a better read if the structure was different - longer personal essays. 

Like several reviews, I also found the therapy sessions problematic. The author has persistent mild depression and her treatment included medication and talk therapy including some problematic advice from the therapist. Were other therapy methods considered (e.g. CBT)?

I Want to Die But I Want to Eat Tteokbokki

lala

Okay. I’ve already known before I read this book that this will be filled with conversations between the patient (Sehee) and their psychiatrist. The psychiatrist diagnozed Sehee with dysthismia, or a persistent depression. Regardless of the specificity of the condition that Sehee has, the advice and the opinion her psychiatrist are general and applicable to everyday conditions. Her psychiatrist also ask her the difficult questions that are hard to come by by ourselves, and give insights on how we choose to compose ourselves. I might say that the things Sehee disclose in this book are a not personal enough so we don’t *see* ourselves in her condition, but from what I heard the second volume is more intimate and personal. I got some good advice from this book, but overall, it is an average read.

Anjorin Molayo 

Reading this book was so comforting. I was so into the dialogue between the author to the point that it felt intimate. 
I want to die but I want to eat tteokpokki is the kind of book i’d read again and again especially when i’m feeling anxious or when i’m at my lowest. 

I really hope you find comfort in this book like I did. 
A 5/5 for me 🤞🏾

Jackie Lu

PSYCHIATRIST: So how can I help you?
ME: I don't know, I'm – what's the word – depressed? Do I have to go into detail?

Baek Sehee is a successful young social media director at a publishing house when she begins seeing a psychiatrist about her - what to call it? - depression? She feels persistently low, anxious, endlessly self-doubting, but also highly judgmental of others. She hides her feelings well at work and with friends, performing the calmness her lifestyle demands. The effort is exhausting, overwhelming, and keeps her from forming deep relationships. This can't be normal. But if she's so hopeless, why can she always summon a yen for her favorite street food: the hot, spicy rice cake, tteokbokki? Is this just what life is like?

Recording her dialogues with her psychiatrist over a twelve-week period, and expanding on each session with her own reflective micro-essays, Baek begins to disentangle the feedback loops, knee-jerk reactions, and harmful behaviors that keep her locked in a cycle of self-abuse. Part memoir, part self-help book, "I Want to Die but I Want to Eat Tteokbokki" is a book to keep close and to reach for in times of darkness. It will appeal to anyone who has ever felt alone or unjustified in their everyday despair.

kait

This short story felt very vulnerable and authentic like I was peering into the character's innermost thoughts. I think it was extremely brave to open up in the ways they did and some of the topics in here made me feel seen and heard. This kind of story makes these topics which I think the world sees as taboo normal and okay to discuss. However, I think there could have been a lot more depth as the story got a little repetitive and we did not see the character's outside life much. We really only got to see them during therapy, without much context. For example, we would hear about something happening but not actually get to witness that thing take place. This made the story feel a little rushed and as if the reader was meant to fill in all the blanks. I did like that we got to see what the therapist was thinking afterward thought. Overall, this was just alright and I don't think I'll be reading the next one sadly.

it’s okay. Easy read. I liked the ending portion of the book, after the transcripts, where she talked about her mom and other things

jannah

gülsu

Baek Sehee's biggest gift is her honesty, the ability to be vulnerable with all your emotions. I think that's very important in a writer. Some have beautiful words, some use metaphors, but she uses her genuine emotions, and that's what makes "I want to die but I want to eat tteokbokki" such a special book. It might not be a perfect story from start to finish, but it's about life in its purest form. And how good it feels to see my deepest darkest thoughts that I thought were unique to me are actually universal and shared. This is the power of honesty; like magic, it makes you feel like you're understood, normal. And perhaps that's better than becoming someone special. Because then you belong.

Great book that is written a simple but subtly enlightening manner 

I Want to Die But I Want to Eat Tteokpokki

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