Name: The will to change
Rating: 4.375 (32 reviews)
ISBN: 9780743456081

bell hooks

men, masculinity, and love

The will to change

mira lee

“When I first began looking at gender issues, I believed that violence was a by-product of boyhood socialization. But after listening more closely to men and their families, I have come to believe that violence IS boyhood socialization. The way we "turn boys into men" is through injury: We sever them from their guardians, research tells us, far too early. We pull them away from their own expressiveness, from their feelings, from sensitivity to others. The very phrase "Be a man" means suck it up and keep going. Disconnection is not fallout from traditional masculinity. Disconnection IS masculinity.”

Rebecca Lum

Patriarchy has sought to repress and tame erotic passion precisely because of its power to draw us into greater and greater communion with ourselves, with those we know most intimately, and with the stranger.

Anger prevents love and isolated the one who is angry. It is an attempt, often successful, to push away what is most longed for—companionship and understanding. It is a denial of the humanness of others, as well as a denial of your own humanness. Anger is the agony of believing that you are not capable of being understood, and that you are not worthy of being understood. It is a wall that separates you from others as effectively as if it were concrete, thick, and very high. There is no way through it, under it, or over it.

Compassion is one of the principal things that make our lives meaningful. It is the source of all lasting happiness and joy. And it is the foundation of a good heart. Through kindness, through affection, through honesty, through truth and justice toward all others we ensure our own benefit. This is not a matter for complicated theorizing. It is a matter of common sense. ...There is no denying that our happiness is inextricably bound up with the happiness of others. There is no denying that if society suffers, we ourselves suffer....Thus we can reject everything else: religion, ideology, all received wisdom. But we cannot escape the necessity of love and compassion.

I am responsible for accepting or choosing the values by which I live. If I live by values I have accepted or adopted passively and unthinkingly, it is easy to imagine that they are just “my nature," just "who I am," and to avoid recognizing that choice is involved. If I am am willing to recognize that choices and decisions are crucial when values are adopted, then I can take a fresh look at my values, question them, and if necessary revise them. Again, it is taking responsibility that sets me free.

Men of integrity are not ashamed to serve. They are caretakers, guardians, keepers of the flame. They know joy.

If we are lucky enough as children to be surrounded by grownups who love us, then our sense of wholeness is not just the sense of completeness in ourselves but also is the sense of belonging to others and our place; it is an unconscious awareness of community, of having in common. It may be that this double sense of singular integrity and of communal belonging is our personal standard of health for as long as we live... we seem to know instinctively that health is not divided.

The root of the word "respect" means "to look a." Women want to be recognized, seen, and cared about by the men in our lives. We desire respect whether gender equality exists in all areas or not. When a woman and man have promised to give each other love, to be mutually supportive, to bring together care, commitment, knowledge, respect, responsibility, and trust, even if there are circumstances of inequality, no one uses that difference to enforce domination. Love cannot coexist with domination. Love can exist in circumstances where equality is not the order of the day. Inequality, in and of itself, does not breed domination. It can heighten awareness of the need to be more loving.

Pearl Bechard

While some women active in the feminist movement felt anguished about our collective inability to convert masses of men to feminist thinking, many women simply felt that feminism gave them permission to be indifferent to men, to turn away from male needs.

Fear keeps us from being close to the men in our lives; it keeps us from love.

And there remains a small strain of feminist thinkers who feel strongly that they have given all they want to give to men; they are concerned solely with improving the collective welfare of women. Yet life has shown me that any time a single male dares to transgress patriarchal boundaries in order to love, the lives of women, men, and children are fundamentally changed for the better.

Only a revolution of values in our nation will end male violence, and that revolution will necessarily be based on a love ethic. To create loving men, we must love males. Loving maleness is different from praising and rewarding males for living up to sexist-defined notions of male identity. Caring about men because of what they do for us is not the same as loving males for simply being. When we love male- ness, we extend our love whether males are performing or not. Performance is different from simply being. In patriarchal culture males are not allowed simply to be who they are and to glory in cheir unique identity. Their value is always determined by what they do.

Patriarchy both creates the rage in boys and then contains it for later use, making it a resource to exploit later on as boys become men. As a national product, this rage can be garnered to further imperialism, hatred, and oppression of women and men globally. This rate is needed if boys are to become men willing to travel around the world to fight wars without ever demanding that other ways of solving conflict be found.

To truly protect and honor the emotional lives of bos we must challenge patriarchal culture. And until that culture changes, we must create the subcultures, the sanctuaries where boys can learn to be who they are uniquely, without being forced to conform to patriarchal masculine visions. To love boys rightly we must value their inner lives enough to construct worlds, both private and publc, where their right to wholeness can be consistently celebrated and affirmed, where their need to love and be loved can be fulfilled.

Mothers who ally themselves with patriarchy cannot love their sons rightly, for there will always come a moment when patriarchy will ask them to sacrifice their sons.

Male domination does not allow mutual intimacy to emerge; it keps fathers from touching the hearts of their children

lulu

Patriarchy demands of men that they become and remain emotional cripples.

His personal shortcomings become rationalised by an evolving misogyny.

That we live in a world in which people continue to use the same word for sex and violence, and then resist the notion that sex is routinely violent and claim to be outraged when sex becomes overtly violent, is testament to the power of patriarchy.

One might add that it is a supreme testament to patriarchy’s power that it can convince men and women to pretend that sexual violence satisfies.

Anger often hides depression and profound sorrow.

M. Sosotris

What an outstanding insightful read; bell hooks digs into the paradoxes of society and lays out all the contradictions and logical pitfalls in such a clear natural voice that you find yourself kicking yourself for not being able to put all this into words yourself.

This book was healing, disturbing, painful, freeing, and inspiring in ways I haven’t experienced that often. I know that so many men who need to hear how they can find joy and freedom and healing by changing their worldview just a little probably won’t read this book because patriarchy, while flimsy, is very comforting, even though it doesn’t give anything of long-term value, but I BEG of the men in the world to read this and give it a chance. hooks is able to give voice to all of the fear and insecurity and anger that patriarchy fosters in men, and she outlines a way out. It’s not about seeking and holding on to power, even illusory power. It’s about finding joy in what you love and daring to be happy.

This book changed my life and helped me understand so many painful relationships I’ve had with damaged family members in my life, and I want everyone to read it.

The thoughts, feelings and passion behind this book are so very obvious and relatable for those who love the men in their life. 

I particularly enjoyed the chapters on love and sex — I’ll be rereading them for sure.

There are repetitive moments. Especially towards the end of the book where it feels like she may be trying to hit a word count! I also wish there had been more practical solutions, less blanket statements like, “We need to end patriarchal thinking.” 

I feel like it’s one of those books that I will be telling the women in my life about for a long time to come — although I may be tempted to tell them to skip the last two or three chapters.

Anisah Osman Britton

The thoughts, feelings and passion behind this book are so very obvious and relatable for those who love the men in their life. 

I particularly enjoyed the chapters on love and sex — I’ll be rereading them for sure.

There are repetitive moments. Especially towards the end of the book where it feels like she may be trying to hit a word count! I also wish there had been more practical solutions, less blanket statements like, “We need to end patriarchal thinking.” 

I feel like it’s one of those books that I will be telling the women in my life about for a long time to come — although I may be tempted to tell them to skip the last two or three chapters.

In a thought-provoking social and cultural analysis, the author of All About Love explores the world of masculinity and maleness to address some of men's most common concerns, including a fear of intimacy and the loss of their patriarchal place in society, arguing that an emotionally rewarding inner life holds the key to successful intimate relationships. Reprint. 15,000 first printing.

Men, Masculinity, and Love

The Will to Change

Patricia K

Maurice FitzGerald

Boy i wanted to like this book 
and i agree with 
just about everything she says about how 
the world should be 
but the stuffy pompous attitude 
And the academic tone
this person makes blanket unsupported assertions throughout the entire book.
this person does not support what she says 
with either some kind of worked out theology to refer to
or some scientific research
or some rationally supported arguments
i totally agree we live in a horrid patriarchy 
and that men in general are not doing good
but like Simone de Beauvoir concluded
in a world based on competing for things
where the female is out of the game when with child
a patriarchy formed
but to get rid of the patriarchy 
we need to get rid of 
the completion to live
or so it would seem
i don't know 
but this gave me 
no ammunition to 
espouse the thoughts
she seems so passionate about

Kehinde Adeleke

This book is very lovely. I thoroughly enjoyed it as a man and I am determined to change, to demolish the pervasive patriarchy and chart a new path of feminine masculinity. God helping me, I become a better lover and a better man overall.
Thank you Bell Hooks. I think every man — whether harmed by patriarchy or not— should read this.

Mattia Compagnucci

One of the most important books I’ve ever read.

This book reaches a lot of nuance in femminist theory that is often over looked or ommited. A really great read, both thoughtful and enjoyable to read.

Yvette

Eva Decker

I have mixed feelings about this book.

This is the second book I’ve read from bell hooks. The first, All About Love, felt like a revolution. I re-read it 3 times. I bought copies for friends. After seeing the title The Will to Change: Men, Masculinity, and Love, I immediately purchased a copy, excited to absorb more of hooks’s wisdom.

Let’s begin with the good: hooks presents a scathing critique of patriarchy. She outlines the ways it harms men, from emotional repression to higher rates of suicide and depression and “soul death”. Many passages resonated with me:

“There is only one emotion that patriarchy values when expressed by men; that emotion is anger.” (p. 7)

“No male successfully measured up to patriarchal standards without engaging in an ongoing practice of self-betrayal.” (p. 12)

“Boys learn to cover up grief with anger; the more troubled the boy, the more intense the mask of indifference. Shutting down emotionally is the best defense when the longing for connection must be denied.” (p. 50)

“Disconnection is not fallout from traditional masculinity. Disconnection *is* masculinity.” (p. 61)

“Workaholism is the most common addiction in men because it is usually rewarded and not taken seriously as detrimental to their emotional well-being.” (p. 158)

As someone assigned male at birth, I’ve often struggled to feel comfortable expressing my emotions. Much of the work I’ve done as an adult has been to reconnect with my body and allow myself to hear and express my own feelings. These quotes and many others resonated with me and encouraged me to continue that self work.

hooks eloquently explains how patriarchy harms us all: it spares no one, no matter their gender.

Now, onto the bad: past the first few chapters, the book is extremely repetitive. I did not learn much new. A book half this length could have twice the impact.

In attempting to counter the popular feminist narrative (of 2005) that men are all-powerful, hooks portrays men as eternally repressed and out of touch with their emotions, painting a picture at odds with my personal experience, which includes many loving, caring, emotionally-aware men.

Her view of parenting and dating is heteronormative. There is only brief reference to the impact of patriarchy in gay culture. No reference at all is made to trans people. Trans men lead very different lives from cis men and many trans men are uniquely poised to help further the dialogue about what positive masculinity can look like and how to manifest it. The book’s omissions result in centering cis, straight men yet again.

When discussing families, hooks most often assumes a monogamous, heterosexual couple. Some discussion is made of single-mother homes, usually in the context of women furthering patriarchy through abuse of their sons. Single-father homes are not discussed. Non-monogamous relationships, communal living, and other queer family arrangements are not discussed, again missing the chance to explore a radically different and less rigid vision of a post-patriarchal future.

Late in the book, she claims, “anyone who has a false self must be dishonest. People who learn to lie to themselves and others cannot love because they are crippled in their capacity to tell the truth and therefore unable to trust.” (p. 154) This completely ignores closeted trans and queer people who may not be able to be fully honest and transparent with people out of concern for their own safety, as well as people who have not reached a point where they feel comfortable coming out to themselves.

In many chapters, hooks presents bold claims without citing sources, leading me to repeatedly annotate, “is this true?” in the margins. Examples:

“Again and again children hear the message from mass media that when it comes to sex, ‘he’s gotta have it.’ Adults may know better, from their own experience, but children become true believers. They think that men will go mad if they cannot act sexually. This is the logic that produces what feminist thinkers call ‘a rape culture.’” (p. 78)

“For boys this issue of control begins with the mother’s response to his penis; usually she does not like it and she does not know what to do with it. Her discomfort with his penis communicates that there is something inherently wrong with it.” (p. 80)

“The popularization of gangsta rap, spearheaded by white male executives in the music industry, gave a public voice to patriarchy and women-hating.” (p. 129)

“If all men were in touch with primal positive passion, the categories of gay and straight would lose their charged significance.” (p. 183)

At a few points in the book, hooks blames pornography and ‘excessive’ (e.g. non-monogamous) sex for furthering and reinforcing patriarchy. This may often be true, but porn and sex can also act as liberatory tools for men who have been taught to feel ashamed of their bodies. Instead of exploring the potentially positive uses of porn and non-monogamous, consensual sex, hooks casts them as universally negative. She fails to imagine a world in which individuals can be fully loving and devoted to a partner and still explore fulfilling sexual relationships with others. Even her use of the phrase “dominator culture”, though apt, overlooks people who engage in consensual dom-sub play in BDSM. Her tone veers uncomfortably close to slut-shaming.

In fact, at many points in the book, bell hooks seems to take a tremendous leap from progressive leftism to conservative fundamentalism, railing against Harry Potter, The Incredible Hulk, Power Rangers, The Matrix, sex, pornography, rap music, and more.

I admire what bell hooks attempted to do in The Will to Change, but she paints with too broad a brush, ultimately reinforcing many of the harmful stereotypes and roles prescribed by patriarchy which she tries so dutifully to avoid.

Felipe Saldarriaga 

Ser mejor persona a través de perspectivas de otros es una base sumamente importante. De construir convencionalismos sociales de la masculinidad y diversas creencias te permite darte cuenta de lo que realmente necesitas para continuar creciendo.

Everyone should read this book. Understanding the patriarchy and what it really is has been super impactful for me. Bell Hooks describes the intricate nuances of a complex epidemic plaguing our world, in particular America.  I feel far better equipped to handle my prejudices and patriarchal tendencies. This book didn’t make me feel overly guilty or felt like it was all my fault. But was a kind journey of urgent self reflection. 

Truman M Halladay

“Men need feminist thinking. It is a theory that supports their spiritual evolution and their shift away from the patriarchal model. Patriarchy is destroying the well being of men and taking their lives daily.”

Marion

Ahmed Bakr

Sloan, Kara

I've always loved bell hooks, and this did not disappoint. Skillfully and lovingly infused a discussion about patriarchy and it's pitfalls with hope, empathy, and love. This was wonderful.

Michael Moreno

Another book club assignment about the prison that patriarchy traps men in. It details the unspoken death boys experience while developing into men when one learns to kill their emotions & sensitivities in order to become "masculine."

Kirstine Dueholm

To everyone who cares deeply about the men in their lives, this book is for you.

Roger

Essential reading for anyone wanting to understand toxic masculinity, daring to build alternatives and particularly for men who want love to flourish in their lives.

With the courage, honesty, and compassion that have made her one of America's most provocative authorities on modern culture, bell hooks takes on the interior lives of men and answers their most intimate questions about love. Everyone needs to love and be loved -- even men. In this groundbreaking book, bell hooks gets to the heart of the matter and shows men how to express the emotions that are a fundamental part of who they are -- whatever their age, ethnicity, or cultural persuasion. Written in response to the author's in-depth discussions with men who were inspired by her trilogy, All About Love, Salvation, and Communion, bell hooks's The Will to Change addresses maleness and masculinity in new and challenging ways. With trademark candor and fierce intelligence, hooks answers the most common concerns of men, such as fear of intimacy and loss of their patriarchal place in society. She believes men can find the way to spiritual unity by getting back in touch with the emotionally open part of themselves. Only through this liberation will they lay claim to the rich and rewarding inner lives that have historically been the exclusive province of women. Men can access these feelings by giving themselves permission to be vulnerable. As they grow more comfortable and start believing that it's okay to feel, to need, and to desire, they will thrive as equal partners in their intimate relationships. Whether they are straight or gay, black or white, The Will to Change helps men to reclaim the best part of themselves.

The will to change men, masculinity, and love

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