bell hooks

men, masculinity, and love

The will to change

Rebecca Lum

The root of the word "respect" means "to look a." Women want to be recognized, seen, and cared about by the men in our lives. We desire respect whether gender equality exists in all areas or not. When a woman and man have promised to give each other love, to be mutually supportive, to bring together care, commitment, knowledge, respect, responsibility, and trust, even if there are circumstances of inequality, no one uses that difference to enforce domination. Love cannot coexist with domination. Love can exist in circumstances where equality is not the order of the day. Inequality, in and of itself, does not breed domination. It can heighten awareness of the need to be more loving.

If we are lucky enough as children to be surrounded by grownups who love us, then our sense of wholeness is not just the sense of completeness in ourselves but also is the sense of belonging to others and our place; it is an unconscious awareness of community, of having in common. It may be that this double sense of singular integrity and of communal belonging is our personal standard of health for as long as we live... we seem to know instinctively that health is not divided.

Men of integrity are not ashamed to serve. They are caretakers, guardians, keepers of the flame. They know joy.

I am responsible for accepting or choosing the values by which I live. If I live by values I have accepted or adopted passively and unthinkingly, it is easy to imagine that they are just “my nature," just "who I am," and to avoid recognizing that choice is involved. If I am am willing to recognize that choices and decisions are crucial when values are adopted, then I can take a fresh look at my values, question them, and if necessary revise them. Again, it is taking responsibility that sets me free.

Compassion is one of the principal things that make our lives meaningful. It is the source of all lasting happiness and joy. And it is the foundation of a good heart. Through kindness, through affection, through honesty, through truth and justice toward all others we ensure our own benefit. This is not a matter for complicated theorizing. It is a matter of common sense. ...There is no denying that our happiness is inextricably bound up with the happiness of others. There is no denying that if society suffers, we ourselves suffer....Thus we can reject everything else: religion, ideology, all received wisdom. But we cannot escape the necessity of love and compassion.

Anger prevents love and isolated the one who is angry. It is an attempt, often successful, to push away what is most longed for—companionship and understanding. It is a denial of the humanness of others, as well as a denial of your own humanness. Anger is the agony of believing that you are not capable of being understood, and that you are not worthy of being understood. It is a wall that separates you from others as effectively as if it were concrete, thick, and very high. There is no way through it, under it, or over it.

Patriarchy has sought to repress and tame erotic passion precisely because of its power to draw us into greater and greater communion with ourselves, with those we know most intimately, and with the stranger.

The thoughts, feelings and passion behind this book are so very obvious and relatable for those who love the men in their life. 

I particularly enjoyed the chapters on love and sex — I’ll be rereading them for sure.

There are repetitive moments. Especially towards the end of the book where it feels like she may be trying to hit a word count! I also wish there had been more practical solutions, less blanket statements like, “We need to end patriarchal thinking.” 

I feel like it’s one of those books that I will be telling the women in my life about for a long time to come — although I may be tempted to tell them to skip the last two or three chapters.

Anisah Osman Britton

The thoughts, feelings and passion behind this book are so very obvious and relatable for those who love the men in their life. 

I particularly enjoyed the chapters on love and sex — I’ll be rereading them for sure.

There are repetitive moments. Especially towards the end of the book where it feels like she may be trying to hit a word count! I also wish there had been more practical solutions, less blanket statements like, “We need to end patriarchal thinking.” 

I feel like it’s one of those books that I will be telling the women in my life about for a long time to come — although I may be tempted to tell them to skip the last two or three chapters.

Maurice FitzGerald

Boy i wanted to like this book 
and i agree with 
just about everything she says about how 
the world should be 
but the stuffy pompous attitude 
And the academic tone
this person makes blanket unsupported assertions throughout the entire book.
this person does not support what she says 
with either some kind of worked out theology to refer to
or some scientific research
or some rationally supported arguments
i totally agree we live in a horrid patriarchy 
and that men in general are not doing good
but like Simone de Beauvoir concluded
in a world based on competing for things
where the female is out of the game when with child
a patriarchy formed
but to get rid of the patriarchy 
we need to get rid of 
the completion to live
or so it would seem
i don't know 
but this gave me 
no ammunition to 
espouse the thoughts
she seems so passionate about

Kehinde Adeleke

This book is very lovely. I thoroughly enjoyed it as a man and I am determined to change, to demolish the pervasive patriarchy and chart a new path of feminine masculinity. God helping me, I become a better lover and a better man overall.
Thank you Bell Hooks. I think every man — whether harmed by patriarchy or not— should read this.

Mattia Compagnucci

One of the most important books I’ve ever read.

Eva Decker

I have mixed feelings about this book.

This is the second book I’ve read from bell hooks. The first, All About Love, felt like a revolution. I re-read it 3 times. I bought copies for friends. After seeing the title The Will to Change: Men, Masculinity, and Love, I immediately purchased a copy, excited to absorb more of hooks’s wisdom.

Let’s begin with the good: hooks presents a scathing critique of patriarchy. She outlines the ways it harms men, from emotional repression to higher rates of suicide and depression and “soul death”. Many passages resonated with me:

“There is only one emotion that patriarchy values when expressed by men; that emotion is anger.” (p. 7)

“No male successfully measured up to patriarchal standards without engaging in an ongoing practice of self-betrayal.” (p. 12)

“Boys learn to cover up grief with anger; the more troubled the boy, the more intense the mask of indifference. Shutting down emotionally is the best defense when the longing for connection must be denied.” (p. 50)

“Disconnection is not fallout from traditional masculinity. Disconnection *is* masculinity.” (p. 61)

“Workaholism is the most common addiction in men because it is usually rewarded and not taken seriously as detrimental to their emotional well-being.” (p. 158)

As someone assigned male at birth, I’ve often struggled to feel comfortable expressing my emotions. Much of the work I’ve done as an adult has been to reconnect with my body and allow myself to hear and express my own feelings. These quotes and many others resonated with me and encouraged me to continue that self work.

hooks eloquently explains how patriarchy harms us all: it spares no one, no matter their gender.

Now, onto the bad: past the first few chapters, the book is extremely repetitive. I did not learn much new. A book half this length could have twice the impact.

In attempting to counter the popular feminist narrative (of 2005) that men are all-powerful, hooks portrays men as eternally repressed and out of touch with their emotions, painting a picture at odds with my personal experience, which includes many loving, caring, emotionally-aware men.

Her view of parenting and dating is heteronormative. There is only brief reference to the impact of patriarchy in gay culture. No reference at all is made to trans people. Trans men lead very different lives from cis men and many trans men are uniquely poised to help further the dialogue about what positive masculinity can look like and how to manifest it. The book’s omissions result in centering cis, straight men yet again.

When discussing families, hooks most often assumes a monogamous, heterosexual couple. Some discussion is made of single-mother homes, usually in the context of women furthering patriarchy through abuse of their sons. Single-father homes are not discussed. Non-monogamous relationships, communal living, and other queer family arrangements are not discussed, again missing the chance to explore a radically different and less rigid vision of a post-patriarchal future.

Late in the book, she claims, “anyone who has a false self must be dishonest. People who learn to lie to themselves and others cannot love because they are crippled in their capacity to tell the truth and therefore unable to trust.” (p. 154) This completely ignores closeted trans and queer people who may not be able to be fully honest and transparent with people out of concern for their own safety, as well as people who have not reached a point where they feel comfortable coming out to themselves.

In many chapters, hooks presents bold claims without citing sources, leading me to repeatedly annotate, “is this true?” in the margins. Examples:

“Again and again children hear the message from mass media that when it comes to sex, ‘he’s gotta have it.’ Adults may know better, from their own experience, but children become true believers. They think that men will go mad if they cannot act sexually. This is the logic that produces what feminist thinkers call ‘a rape culture.’” (p. 78)

“For boys this issue of control begins with the mother’s response to his penis; usually she does not like it and she does not know what to do with it. Her discomfort with his penis communicates that there is something inherently wrong with it.” (p. 80)

“The popularization of gangsta rap, spearheaded by white male executives in the music industry, gave a public voice to patriarchy and women-hating.” (p. 129)

“If all men were in touch with primal positive passion, the categories of gay and straight would lose their charged significance.” (p. 183)

At a few points in the book, hooks blames pornography and ‘excessive’ (e.g. non-monogamous) sex for furthering and reinforcing patriarchy. This may often be true, but porn and sex can also act as liberatory tools for men who have been taught to feel ashamed of their bodies. Instead of exploring the potentially positive uses of porn and non-monogamous, consensual sex, hooks casts them as universally negative. She fails to imagine a world in which individuals can be fully loving and devoted to a partner and still explore fulfilling sexual relationships with others. Even her use of the phrase “dominator culture”, though apt, overlooks people who engage in consensual dom-sub play in BDSM. Her tone veers uncomfortably close to slut-shaming.

In fact, at many points in the book, bell hooks seems to take a tremendous leap from progressive leftism to conservative fundamentalism, railing against Harry Potter, The Incredible Hulk, Power Rangers, The Matrix, sex, pornography, rap music, and more.

I admire what bell hooks attempted to do in The Will to Change, but she paints with too broad a brush, ultimately reinforcing many of the harmful stereotypes and roles prescribed by patriarchy which she tries so dutifully to avoid.

Felipe Saldarriaga 

Ser mejor persona a través de perspectivas de otros es una base sumamente importante. De construir convencionalismos sociales de la masculinidad y diversas creencias te permite darte cuenta de lo que realmente necesitas para continuar creciendo.

Ahmed Bakr

Andre

Bell Hooks débute son livre en reconnaissant l'existence de la souffrance masculine et ses conséquences sur la société. Elle fournit des conseils pratiques pour nous aider, nous les hommes, à sortir de cette souffrance. Ce faisant, l'auteure devient un modèle pour sa propre thèse : pour mettre fin au patriarcat et changer la société pour le mieux, les hommes et les femmes doivent travailler ensemble. Les hommes doivent être prêts à changer et à apprendre l'art de l'amour, et les femmes doivent les accompagner sur ce chemin difficile.

Sloan, Kara

I've always loved bell hooks, and this did not disappoint. Skillfully and lovingly infused a discussion about patriarchy and it's pitfalls with hope, empathy, and love. This was wonderful.

The will to change men, masculinity, and love

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