Connie Mason

Enchanted by the ethereal beauty of the woman bathing in the forest pool, Viking warrior Thorne finds the image of her invading his dreams and thoughts, and, believing that she used magic to bewitch him, he kidnaps her during a VIking raid, determined to possess her. Reissue.

Viking!

Sarah Escorsa

Actual rating: -10 stars. I'm feeling horribly charitable today.

This review is as long as this book is crappy. Ergo, grab a snack, my Little Barnacles. We should be here a while.

This MacHalo buddy read is brought to you by Connie Mason’s Fabulous Trope Magnifying Machine (FTMM™)! The FTMM™ is guaranteed to take your Romance Piece of Crap™ masterpiece to new, previously unexplored tropilicious heights! Order one today and boldly go where no self-respecting author has dared wander before! The FTMM™, helping writers reach record breaking levels of Acute Tropismitis two million clichés at a time!



Yes! The FTMM™ doubles as a permanent wave machine, too!

Sorry for the commercial break introduction, but times are hard and MacHalos can’t be choosers and stuff. Or is it beggars? I forget. Now back to your regular crappy reviewing.

This book. Such a winner it is. In so many ways. Did you know it made the Pulitzer Prize shortlist a few years ago? It really did. I’m shocked it didn’t win, actually. It is after all a heartfelt, moving story about the power of macho BS love and the deep, indestructible ties it can forge between two supremely dense nitwits wonderful beings. If that isn’t prime Pulitzer material, I don’t know what is. Alas, win the prize this book did not. A shame it is indeed, and I shall do my best to explain why henceforth. But first, please allow me to outline the plot for you. No, no, really, I insist! No problem at all! My pleasure and stuff! Here goes: 

This marvelous book tells the beautiful tale of Thorne the Relentlessly Moronic One of the Loins on Fire Relentless and Fiona the Bewitching Harlot of the Masochistic Cleft Learned. It is a brilliant in-depth analysis of social exchanges in Northern Europe in the early Middle Ages. By depicting what happens when TSTL idiots naïve, innocent Christian girls are taken captive rescued by award-winning scumbags kind-hearted Vikings, Connie Mason finally sets the record straight about the so-called Northern Barbarians here. And it was high time someone did. Because Vikings really are nothing like the cruel, heartless, animalistic bunch they usually are described as. 



See what I mean?

By Odin’s beard, but Vikings have been unjustly accused of being nothing more than vile savages for centuries! This is so outrageously unfair! How can Vikings be portrayed as arrogant, ferocious, bullheaded, barbarous and violent beasts, when they are naught but love, compassion, kindness and peace? Not to mention how intoxicating², magnetic², powerfully primitive² and compelling they can be while in the throes of rape passion! But more on that later. Now let’s explore how Connie Mason dazzlingly disproves all the abhorrent Viking clichés, shall we? 

① Early Viking Feminism.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that all women are sluts and whores who are begging to be ravished 24/7. Just ask the poor non-barbarian dudes. Sorry, I meant the poor non-barbarian victims. Because yes, they are victims. Can you imagine what these unfortunate souls have to go through?! How are they supposed NOT to assault every female contraption they pass, when said contraptions are naught but wanton seductresses in heat whose only mission in life is to spread their legs test the poor, helpless guys’ self-restraint?! And the irony of it is, once the Viking dudes reluctantly succumb to temptation and go all “lecherous attack incoming!” on the Lascivious Ones, they are blamed for it! If that isn’t outrageously unfair, I really don’t know what is.

You want another proof of the above mentioned “truth universally acknowledged?” Take our lovely heroine, Fiona the Bewitching Harlot of the Masochistic Cleft Learned: Thorne the Relentlessly Moronic One of the Loins on Fire Relentless treats her worse than he would a piece of crap is endlessly gushing over her like an inexperienced teenager, but she keeps trying to mess with his sounds-empty-in-there little head, just so that he will ravish her mercilessly. It is the truthful truth, I promise. Fiona is super Machiavellian, you see. Because she knows that only one thing can appease poor Thorne when she gets him confused as fish:

“Open to me, Fiona. Perhaps my confusion will cease when I’m inside you again.”

What a wicked trick to play on an innocent, loving man. Fiona really has no shame, and will do just about anything to get her libidinous way. Just like all shameless females of the Viking Age. I find their behavior so horrendously scandalous that I have decided to set up a helpline for our defenseless, powerless, distressed Viking dudes, to offer them emotional support and provide immediate crisis counseling. So please, all you abused and used non-barbarians out there, don’t be shy or ashamed, call 1-800-VIKINGS-ARE-VICTIMS today and connect with one of our trained how-to-deal-with-sluts counselors! 



② Sheer brilliance all around.
There is another huge misconception about Vikings: they are widely believed to be outstandingly slow-witted and remarkably thickheaded. This couldn’t be further from the truth. Vikings are actually quite the egg-headed bunch, and many of them are active members of Mensa. As surprising as this may sound, it has been proven quite scientifically. Yes, quite scientifically indeed. Right. Anyway, Connie Mason repeatedly invalidates the shockingly slanderous “all macho oafs are nitwits, all Vikings are macho oafs, therefore all Vikings are nitwits” syllogism in this book. She makes her quite point subtly, by depicting our intellectually challenged enlightened characters’ behavior. Our dashing hero’s Einstein-like actions are a perfect example of just how astutely clever Vikings really are: Thorne believes dear Fiona bewitched him, you see. (Which she did, since she is a whore and a slut whose sole mission in life is to shamelessly seduce harmless men with her feminine wiles, as you may remember.) So what brilliantly clever plan does Super Perceptive Thorne (SPT™) come up with to escape Fiona’s spell? I’ll let him tell you in his own words: 

“Would taking her body and sating himself on her sweet flesh break the spell? It was worth considering.”

Ha! Told you the man was Mensa material! Plus, he “makes love with vigor and zest,” which apparently doesn’t hurt. (I’m not sure I understand what lemon zests have to do with the business at hand—uh-oh, rash alert!—, but I was recently told I was as clueless as my favourite Barnacles, so…Well…You know…STUFF.) I don’t want to spoil it all for you, but believe me when I tell you that sate himself on Fiona’s sweet flesh, Thorne did. Multiple times. Multiple multiple multiple times. Got to give it to him, the man is persistent in his scientific quest to get rid of the witch’s spell. So many hours devoted to thorough experimentation and in-depth research! What dedication! I really don’t know why Thorne hasn’t yet been awarded the Nobel Prize of Ravishingology. If someone deserves it, it’s him!

 

Thorne came up with that one. Do you believe me now when I tell you the guy is a misunderstood genius?

③ Amazing language skills.
Up until Connie Mason did some intensive research in Viking phraseology, the Northern Non-Barbarian Bunch (NNBB™) was thought to have a very limited vocabulary range. What a bunch of stinking shrimp (no offense, Dear Murderous Children Mine). Their language is a wonderfully rich one, and makes Thesaurus.com green with envy. The Vikings have so many different ways of expressing the same concept, it’s quite mind-boggling. Here, take a look at this little list Connie Mason graciously compiled for you: 

• Action verbs: to throb, to impale, to tingle, to pump, to thrust, to sheathe, to shove apart (when referring to shapely legs), to pulse, to rub, to tease, to toss down (violently, if possible. Bed optional).
• Female anatomy: crevice (will weep for Vikings when sleek), center (better if heated), folds, portal (moist is better), cleft, softness, sweetest vessel known to mankind (my personal favorite).
• Male anatomy: loins, staff, shaft (preferably hard and thick), mighty weapon, blade, length (incredible, if possible), manhood, stalwart stallion (now you’re talking!). 

See how amazingly creative the Vikings are when it comes to language? It doesn’t get more ingeniously flowery than this, if you ask me.

④ So much heartwarming romance.
As we previously discussed, Vikings tend to suffer from a completely undeserved, cold-hearted bad boy image. Take this well-known painting by Leonardo DaShrimpy, for example:



And that right there is exactly how stereotypes are perpetrated. No wonder our wicked witch of a rape-inducing heroine (remember it’s never too late to call 1-800-VIKINGS-ARE-VICTIMS, Helpless Viking Dudes™!) utters these words at the beginning of the book:

“There wasn’t a soft place on his hard body or a tender spot in his cruel heart.”

She would never have made this defamatory statement, had she gone beyond the bigoted clichés. A good thing Thorne proved her initial assertion wrong and showed her what a complete asshole kind-hearted, romantic Viking he really is:

“Remove your clothing, wife, and lie down on our bed. Spread your legs and welcome your husband inside you with a sweet smile of surrender.”

“Witch or no, spell or not, I must have you. I will have you!”

The guy can be so corny and sentimental, it’s really touching. He’s ready to do just about anything to prove his undying love to Fiona. His feelings for her are so pure, he actually let himself be manipulated into marrying her. It’s the truthful truth, he really did. I’ve told you before what a cunning, vicious, mean one Fiona is. All she’s wanted from day one was for Thorne to die with need for her. So what did she do? She told him that she’d let him have his wicked Viking way with her only if they were married by a Christian priest. And what did In Dire Need of Sex Rehab Besotted Thorne have to say to that? “Hold that thought and spread those legs love, be right back!” So he went and got a priest and five minutes later they were humping around like rabid barnacles in heat lawfully wedded spouses! Now if that isn’t the most romantic thing ever, I don’t know what is. Oh dear, I fear this is too much for my black, withered heart, I’m about to get all emotional and stuff.



Oops, sorry, wrong gif.

And this is how, with much exhaustive investigation, Connie Willis debunked every single Viking trope there ever was and ever will be. She managed this feat without resorting to OTT drama, slightly cumbersome repetitions, complete and utter ridiculousness, eyeroll-generating stupidity, and asinine *waves at Jilly* ludicrosity. Bravo to you, dear madam. Much experience in crappy writing I have, and take the cake this masterpiece does indeed.

➽ And the moral of this Bloody Stinking Fish I Survived This One Now I Can Bloody Shrimping Survive Anything Crappy Non Review (BSFISTONICBSSACNR™) is: I wasn’t nearly drunk enough to read this. But I’m getting there now. All hail Laphroaig and stuff.

P.S. All the chapters is this book are exactly 20 pages long. Looks like there is actually a method to this madness crappiness.



[Pre-review nonsense]

I did not just read this book. I mean, it may seem like I did, but I'm pretty sure I didn't. Because a book like this one simply cannot exist. Surely, no one can willingly write such Abysmally Moronic Crap (AMC™). 



Besides, this book has a 3.83 average star rating, which confirms some kind of evil witchery is at work here: if this AMC™ is NOT a figment of my imagination and some wretched, accursed souls like myself have indeed had the misfortune to actually read it for real, then it is clearly impossible that any of said wretched, accursed souls voluntarily rated it more than a single lonesome, pathetic, lame little star. Ergo, this book doesn't exist. And I never read it, obviously.



Why thank you, Spockie and Kitty! Your joint approval is greatly appreciated and stuff. 

➽ Full My Two Eyeballs Are Still Firmly in Place Despite the Vigorous Rolling in their Sockets Workout They Got While I Was Reading This Thing If that Isn't a Bloody Shrimping Miracle I Don't Know What Is Crappy Non Review (MTEASFiPDtVRitSWTGWIWRTTItIaBSMIDKWICNR™) to come. 



[March 29, 2018]

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As if this wasn't heartbreaking and distressing and tragic enough, it seems these diabolically perverse creatures replaced Her Glorious Noxiousness Sarah by a Vile, Monstrous, Degenerate Historical Romance-Reading Beast (VMDHRB™). Hence the revoltingly disgusting addition of this PoC™ book to her TBR.

We are currently doing everything in our power to deliver Your Most Beloved Subaquatic Overlord Sarah from the atrociously savage little green guys' two-fingered hands, and have kindly asked Fleet Admiral DaShrimp to assist us in this most hazardous undertaking. Several crustacean platoons have therefore been sent on a decapodic search and rescue mission. We have the most absolute confidence in their beautifully homicidal abilities, and trust they will set their dearest father free posthaste (view spoiler)[
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Viking!

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