Dear Ijeawele, Or a Feminist Manifesto in Fifteen Suggestions
Reviews
Extraordinarily simple book about teaching proper ways to raise children. Any parent can become a better one by reading this with intent to learn.
I've been sick for way too long, so I feel like I would have finished this small yet bold book sooner. Such perfection.
filled with what is not common sense to all. smart, concise and insightful.
will definitely re-read this when I have kids, a very beautiful read.
Chimamanda Adichie returns with another inspiring essay. This time is a letter in response to a friend's question of how to raise a daughter as a feminist. In a few short pages Adichie manages to summarize so much of what is wrong with our culture. Much like We Should All Be Feminists this book manages to convey so much in such few words. I truly think this is the genre were Adichie shines the most, through essay where she speaks of her experiences and thoughts. You might be thinking that you're a parent and you don't need someone to tell you on how to raise your kids. I am not a parent but an aunt and I found several flaws in the way I speak to my niece that we are all probably guilty of using when speaking to young children. This is a very important subject and men and women alike need to read it, so please consider reading this book.
4.5 stars! a dearly insightful read, but i find a few things that were a bit problematic, like it's not from a perpective who dearly supports intersectional feminism, but rather a cis-het type of feminism that's making this book broad for everyone to read.
Essential reading for everyone.
it is so powerful and now im kinda mad at my mom
Fue de mis primeros libros feministas y estuvo padre, sencillo y bonito.
5 Stars I come from a family of strong women. From my mom’s military career, to my aunt’s challenging work at a company so male dominated that when she started there back in the day that they didn’t have a women’s restroom, to my grandmother who (rather than being an obedient housewife) left to travel the world before becoming a successful businesswoman, to my great-great grandmother who was the first women in her state to get a college degree, and beyond. The blood of many redoubtable women runs in my veins and I am so proud of that. I was raised to be independent and to never see my gender as a disadvantage. I strongly support equality. Despite that, I have never called myself a feminist. Partly because I hate labels. Partly because the first thing I think of when I hear “feminist” is “feminazi.” Partly because equality should be the default for society not a rarity that requires a label. But although I shy away from the label, I enjoy reading about people’s views on the subject. “Your feminist premise should be: I matter. I matter equally. Not “if only.” Not “as long as.” I matter equally. Full stop.” Chimamanda’s friend asked for advice on how to raise her daughter to be feminist. Chimamanda’s letter became the base for this book. It’s left mostly in letter format but split up into sections of fifteen points that the author wanted to make about feminism. The tone remains conversational, and references to the author’s personal life are still included. But the information is relevant to anyone. This is a short read but impactful, eloquent, and thought-provoking. I feel the urge to buy lots of copies of Dear Ijeawele and give it out at every baby shower I go to. That probably won’t go over too well, but this book is a great introduction to the topic. Rather than focus on broad political picture, Dear Ijeawele looks at the start of the issue: how we treat children and the values we instill in them. This book is relevant whether you have a boy or a girl. It’s relevant even if you don’t have children. I don’t have children, but I am an aunt. And I recognize that I, and everyone else, have an effect on children. It takes a village and all that. Parents encourage their beliefs, but society enforces them – or breaks them down. If you observe how people act around children, you will often see that adults can’t seem to resist pushing labels onto children. From the moment a child is born, they will hear adults trying to push them into boxes. Outgoing or Shy. Smart. Pretty. Stubborn. People are obsessed with labeling kids’ personalities, predicting what they’ll grow up to be, and giving well-meaning advice. All of those things are drops of water added into the societal ocean surrounding us all. Those little comments do have influence. We should all be aware of our personal biases and the conditioning effect of our words. “So teach Chizalum that biology is an interesting and fascinating subject, but she should never accept it as justification for any social norm. Because social norms are created by human beings, and there is no social norm that cannot be changed.” So many of these points reminded me of my own upbringing. If this wasn’t a new book, I’d swear my mom read it years ago. She always told me to be a whole person, to question things, to stand up for myself, to not see marriage as an end-all life goal, and to make a difference. There are a lot of things that I took for granted as a child that I now realize were powerful boons. I am so thankful to have parents who never tried to limit my dreams for being a girl. One of my favorite points was about the difference between kindness and likeability. Kindness is driven by a person’s own moral code. You help people because of compassion and integrity. Likeability may seem similar and important, but in reality, it is different and often toxic. When someone’s primary goal is to be liked, they often subjugate themselves. They change who they are as they desperately seek approval from others. They are afraid to stand up for themselves and are bullied and taken advantage of. They are nonconfrontational even when they are being treated unethically because being liked seems more vital to them than standing up for themselves. And Chimamanda is right that girls in particular are pushed to be likable. To be sweet and subservient and nonconfrontational. The second you stand up for yourself, people start calling you a bitch. But you are never going to please everyone. Stop trying. That doesn’t mean abandoning your kindness or being rude. It means recognizing the line between being polite and being nice. If someone is harassing you, then you have the right to stand up for yourself. And anyone who calls you rude or bitchy for that doesn’t deserve to be in your life. “Teach her never to universalize her own standards or experiences. Teach her that her standards are for her alone, and not for other people. This is the only necessary form of humility: the realization that difference is normal.” I could go on and on, but you’re better off reading Dear Ijeawele. At 80 pages, it’s easy to read. The writing is compelling, and the ideas are vital. Everyone should read this. RATING FACTORS: Ease of Reading: 5 Stars Writing Style: 5 Stars Level of Captivation: 5 Stars Attention to Details: 5 Stars Emotional Level: 5 Stars Plot Structure and Development: 5 Stars
super quick read. really loved it and wish i owned my own copy so i could underline and highlight the passages i loved. highly suggest everyone reads this book. i love the author's take on gender roles and creating a more just society.
Chimimanda ngozi adichie's book are a must. LOVE THIS!
Adichie eloquently states the basic rules of feminism. it is not detailed or nuanced but instead simplifies feminism for one who is already familiar with it. And that is what's great about it. for all the discussions around feminism happening in the world, sometimes you just need to see it explained in an easy digestable way. no this book won't give you an existencial crisis ( i don't think) but it will easily and matter of factly reassure you in your feminist views and that is what made it so great imo
Oh my gOd. there are so many nuggets of truth in everything Chimamanda writes. I especially love reading her works through my inevitable western perspective. As important as it is to read books about feminism, racism, environmentalism and other social issues, it is equally important to read about these issues through different perspectives, (cultural, societal, political, etc.) Every perspective is different and valid and should be given attention to in order to form well-read opinions, and I'm glad that "Dear Ijeawele" is one of the books people can turn to so they can do just that.
Read, read, read. Read this book. Although the author has written it from the perspective of raising another human, it is entirely applicable to humans who are being raised (kids: read this book), and who have nobody to raise. It's tiny, but the ideas discussed are complex enough that I feel I need to read it a few more times to begin to be fluent in it.
Chimamanda is the kind of authors that makes everything clear and helps you to organize your thoughts , you can feel the strength in her words and aspire to have that level of strength and power to speak up .. this book is necessary and will surely change the way you think.
هذا كتاب جيد و يجب قراءته من الجميع ، مكتوب باسلوب سلس و ترجمة جيدة و افكار على قدر بساطتها الا انها عميقة التأثير .
Read, read, read. Read this book. Although the author has written it from the perspective of raising another human, it is entirely applicable to humans who are being raised (kids: read this book), and who have nobody to raise. It's tiny, but the ideas discussed are complex enough that I feel I need to read it a few more times to begin to be fluent in it.
This was an eye-opening read. Unputdownable.
Dear Ijeawele is an essay of 15 suggestions from Adichie to a friend on how to raise her daughter a feminist. I just love her essays - Adichie has the talent of writing important topics with a conversational tone. Very readable yet sharp to the point. "And please reject the language of help. Chudi is not 'helping' you by caring for his child. He is doing what he should. When we say fathers are 'helping', we are suggesting that child care is a mother’s territory, into which fathers valiantly venture. It is not." "More troubling is the idea, that men are naturally superior but should be expected to 'treat women well'. No. No. No. There must be more than male benevolence as the basis for a woman’s well-being. Theresa May is the British prime minister and here is how a progressive British newspaper described her husband: 'Philip May is known in politics as a man who has taken a back seat and allowed his wife, Theresa, to shine.' Allowed. Now let us reverse it. Theresa May has allowed her husband to shine. Does it make sense? If Philip May were prime minister, perhaps we might hear that his wife had 'supported' him from the background, or that she was 'behind' him, or that she’d 'stood by his side', but we would never hear that she had 'allowed' him to shine. 'Allow' is a troubling word. 'Allow' is about power." "Teach her that if you criticize X in women but do not criticize X in men, then you do not have a problem with X, you have a problem with women. For X please insert words like 'anger', 'ambition', 'loudness', 'stubbornness', 'coldness', 'ruthlessness'. " "Female misogyny exists, and to evade acknowledging it is to create unnecessary opportunities for anti-feminists to try to discredit feminism. I mean the sort of anti-feminists who will gleefully raise examples of women saying 'I am not a feminist' as though a person born with a vagina making this statement somehow automatically discredits feminism. That a woman claims not to be feminist does not diminish the necessity of feminism. If anything, it makes us see the extent of the problem, the successful reach of patriarchy. It shows us, too, that not all women are feminists and not all men are misogynists."
The first is your premise, the solid unbending belief that you start off with. What is your premise? Your feminist premise should be: I matter. I matter equally. Not "if only." Not "as long as." I matter equally. Full stop.
now i want to gift this to anyone close to me that has children to educate. but it also helped me educate myself on some things that i need to change.
Insightful. 💖
“Because when there is true equality, resentment does not exist.” What a great, informative & important read.
Highlights
Please note that I am not suggesting that you raise her to be “non- judgmental,” which is a commonly used expression these days, and which slightly worries me. The general sentiment behind the idea is a fine one, but “non- judgmental” can easily devolve into meaning “don’t have an opinion about anything” or “I keep my opinions to myself.” And so, instead of that, what I hope for Chizalum is this: that she will be full of opinions, and that her opinions will come from an informed, humane, and broad- minded place.
Teach her never to universalize her own standards or experiences. Teach her that her standards are for her alone, and not for other people. This is the only necessary form of humility: the realization that difference is normal.
Teach her that to love is not only to give but also to take. This is important because we give girls subtle cues about their lives— we teach girls that a large component of their ability to love is their ability to sacrifice their selves. We do not teach this to boys. Teach her that to love she must give of herself emotionally but she must also expect to be given.
The shame we attach to female sexuality is about control. Many cultures and religions control women’s bodies in one way or another. If the justification for controlling women’s bodies were about women themselves, then it would be understandable. If, for example, the reason was “women should not wear short skirts because they can get cancer if they do.” Instead the reason is not about women, but about men. Women must be “covered up” to protect men. I find this deeply dehumanizing because it reduces women to mere props used to manage the appetites of men.
It’s not enough to say you want to raise a daughter who can tell you anything; you have to give her the language to talk to you. And I mean this in a literal way. What should she call it? What word should she use?
So teach Chizalum that biology is an interesting and fascinating subject, but she should never accept it as justification for any social norm. Because social norms are created by human beings, and there is no social norm that cannot be changed.
Never, ever link Chizalum’s appearance with morality. Never tell her that a short skirt is “immoral.” Make dressing a question of taste and attractiveness instead of a question of morality. If you clash over what she wants to wear, never say things like “You look like a prostitute,” as I know your mother once told you. Instead, say, “That dress doesn’t flatter you like this other one.” Or doesn’t fit as well. Or doesn’t look as attractive. Or is simply ugly. But never “immoral.” Because clothes have absolutely nothing to do with morality.
Feminism and femininity are not mutually exclusive. It is misogynistic to suggest that they are.
Teach her to reject likeability. Her job is not to make herself likeable, her job is to be her full self, a self that is honest and aware of the equal humanity of other people.
Teach her, too, to question the idea of women as a special species. I once heard an American politician, in his bid to show his support for women, speak of how women should be “revered” and “championed”— a sentiment that is all too common. Tell Chizalum that women actually don’t need to be championed and revered; they just need to be treated as equal human beings. There is a patronizing undertone to the idea of women needing to be “championed” and “revered” because they are women. It makes me think of chivalry, and the premise of chivalry is female weakness.
Teach her to question men who can have empathy for women only if they see them as relational rather than as individual equal humans. Men who, when discussing rape, will always say something like “if it were my daughter or wife or sister.” Yet such men do not need to imagine a male victim of crime as a brother or son in order to feel empathy.
Teach her that if you criticize X in women but do not criticize X in men, then you do not have a problem with X, you have a problem with women. For X please insert words like “anger,” “ambition,” “loudness,” “stubbornness,” “coldness,” “ruthlessness.”
Teach her to question language. Language is the repository of our prejudices, our beliefs, our assumptions.
It is funny, in the way that sad things are funny, that we are still talking about cooking as some kind of marriageability test for women. The knowledge of cooking does not come pre- installed in a vagina. Cooking is learned. Cooking— domestic work in general— is a life skill that both men and women should ideally have. It is also a skill that can elude both men and women.
Everybody will have an opinion about what you should do, but what matters is what you want for yourself, and not what others want you to want. Please reject the idea that motherhood and work are mutually exclusive.