Maggie O'Farrell

Originally published: London: Tinder Press, 2017.

Seventeen Brushes with Death

I Am, I Am, I Am

Alli

[Children's] lives start long before birth, long before conception, and if they are aborted or miscarried or simply fail to materialise at all, they become ghosts in our lives… (from “Giving Up the Ghost” by Hilary Mantel)

That the things in life which don't go to plan are usually more important, more formative, in the long run, than the things that do. 

,still mourning the loss of what I felt was central to my identity. My grades, and my ability to produce them out of a hat, were the only thing I had, the only thing I was good at. 

We are, all of us, wandering about in a state of oblivion, borrowing our time, seizing our days, escaping our fates, slipping through loopholes, unaware of when the axe may fall.

Sara H

I consider myself steeped in luck, in good fortune to have avoided the fate the doctors decreed for me. I have been showered with shamrocks, my pockets filled with rabbits' feet, found the crock of gold at the end of every rainbow. I could not have asked for more from life, to have been spared what might have been.

Neural pathways become ingrained, automatic, if they operate only by habit. They are highly attuned to alterations, to novelty. New sights, sounds, languages, tastes, smells stimulate different synapses in the brain, different message routes, different webs of connection, increasing our neuroplasticity. Our brains have evolved to notice differences in our environment: it's how we're alerted to predators, to potential danger. To be sensitive to change, then, is to ensure survival.

At last I had found a way to satisfy it, to meet it; at last I understood it. It had baffled and confounded me for years, the dissatisfaction, the constraint of the everyday, the tedium and scratchiness of routine, the irritating prickle of sameness.

Something is moving within me, deep in the coiled channels of my stomach, something with claws, with fangs, with evil intent. It is gaining strength, I can feel it, drawing it off me. It is as though I have swallowed a demon, a restive one that turns and fidgets, scraping its scales against my innards. I must fold into myself, breathe, grip my hands into fists until the spasm passes.

I try to stand up but it seems that I can't, not yet, so I kneel in the shallows, letting little harmless waves surge past me, back and forth. I straighten my swimwear, watch the water drawing the blood off my skin and whirling it away, as if it has need of it, as if it has some purpose in mind for it. I look about me, at the mimosa trees showering the ground with their yellow dust, at a cirrus cloud illuminated at its frayed edges, at the borders of the empty towels on the sand, the way their rectangular redness pulses against the ochre earth.

The people who teach us something retain a particularly vivid place in our memories.

There is an odd relief in being alone. I glance around at people clinging to their companions, their relatives, crying, screaming, holding on tight. I grip the seat arms and tell myself, here it comes. There is no flashing of light before the eyes. No final reckoning takes place, no onslaughts of wisdom, no last-minute wishes or requests or prayers. I don't think about all the other times I have managed to hoodwink this moment, slip from its grasp. I am suffused, preoccupied, of people's panic, the assaulting drag of the fall, the bracing of my body for the inevitable impact.

That the things in life which don't go to plan are usually more important, more formative, in the long run, than the things that do.

Travelling at speed, thousands of feet above the ground, in the cabin of an aircraft, induces an altered state of mind. Thing that may have been puzzling you perhaps come into focus, as if the lens of a camera has been twisted. You may find, sliding into your mind, answers to questions that have long eluded you. As you gaze out at the illusory landscape of alto-stratus mountains, you may catch yourself thinking: ah, of course, I hadn't realized that before.

What happened to that girl, and what so nearly happened to me, is not something to be lightly articulated, moulded into anecdote, formed into a familiar spoken groove to be told and retold over a dinner table or on the telephone, passed from teller to teller. It is instead a tale of horror, of evil, of our worst imaginings. It is a story to be kept battened down in some wordless, unvisited dark place. Death brushed past me on that path, so close that I could feel its touch, but it seized that other girl and thrust her under.

Elisavet Rozaki 

If a hypochondriac, a paranoid, and a sensationalist decided to write a book.

On seventeen occasions, award-winning novelist Maggie O’Farrell has stared death in the face—and lived to tell the tale. In this astonishing memoir, the New York Times bestselling author of Hamnet shares the near-death experiences that have punctuated and defined her life. The childhood illness that left her bedridden for a year, which she was not expected to survive. A teenage yearning to escape that nearly ended in disaster. An encounter with a disturbed man on a remote path. And, most terrifying of all, an ongoing, daily struggle to protect her daughter from a condition that leaves her unimaginably vulnerable to life’s myriad dangers. Here, O’Farrell stiches together these discrete encounters to tell the story of her entire life. In taut prose that vibrates with electricity and restrained emotion, she captures the perils running just beneath the surface, and illuminates the preciousness, beauty, and mysteries of life itself.

Teresa Bonifácio

I loved it! I think the penultimate chapter shows us why she sometimes puts herself in situations where she takes more risks. When you go through what she went through, you end up giving another value to things that, most of the time, we think of as “normal”. Walking, running, writing, moving an arm, a hand.

The last chapter made me cry. So well written. Such a good description of what it's like to be a mother of someone with the condition your daughter has.

Isabella 

a well-written collection of stories about the author's near-death experiences. the last essay really touched me because i know someone who suffers from chronic eczema and i have never seen that topic touched upon ever. overall, the stories are very compelling.

The framing of O’Farrell’s life by “near death experiences” was so clever, so entertaining. The experiences themselves were just landmarks from which she was able to speak about the phases of her life. The book reflected how you might really get to know someone in person - slowly, anachronously, with stories building up over time to paint a picture of who someone really is, and why. 

Jacqui Spears

Eva Parker

I literally loved this book so much I read it in 24 hours, and the last chapter made me sob. Highly highly highly recommend. Best memoir I’ve read in a long time.

Jerilynn Hallett 

A Sunday Times No 1. bestseller, I AM, I AM, I AM is a memoir with a difference - the unputdownable story of an extraordinary woman's life in near-death experiences. Insightful, inspirational, intelligent, it's a book to be read at a sitting, a story you finish newly conscious of life's fragility, determined to make every heartbeat count. A childhood illness she was not expected to survive. A teenage yearning to escape that nearly ended in disaster. A terrifying encounter on a remote path. A mismanaged labour in an understaffed hospital. Shocking, electric, unforgettable, Costa-Novel Award winner Maggie O'Farrell's memoir is a book to make you question yourself. What would you do if your life was in danger, and what would you stand to lose? I AM, I AM, I AM will speak to readers who loved Cheryl Strayed's WILD or Max Porter's GRIEF IS THE THING WITH FEATHERS.

Beatriz Aguiar

oh my god
heartbreaking, poignant, smart. 
maggie o'farrell tells her life through near death experiences that end up touching on very personal and yet relatable issues, some even more if you're a woman.
the fear of dying, the fear of losing a loved one, losing a baby, the inherent fear you feel of being kidnapped or abused as a woman. the fear of the unknown, of the vastness of the sea, of things you can't control. 
it is also a story of perseverance and coming back to life, fighting for more.
the world is bad but it does give us moments worth fighting for.

Izza

Beautiful writing and storytelling. I thought this was a very interesting way for the author to tell the story of her life and I enjoyed how each chapter delved into more than just the near death experiences.

After getting halfway into the book tho it did start to feel like “how many more times & ways can this woman almost die?!”, but overall I enjoyed the read. 

Beautiful writing and storytelling. I thought this was a very interesting way for the author to tell the story of her life and I enjoyed how each chapter delved into more than just the near death experiences.

After getting halfway into the book tho it did start to feel like “how many more times & ways can this woman almost die?!”, but overall I enjoyed the read. 

Alex Q

I found this book to be well written, and deeply personal. But I also found that I just did not care.

Emily Morgan

I think I will be crying over this book for eternity. Too beautiful too sad too hopeful

Sarahi Flores

This is more of a 3.5 stars. 
As vivid as this memoir was, it was written profoundly. 

Check out my blog to read more of my thoughts of this memoir.

Christina Pappas

I’m still reeling from this astonishing memoir. 

The premise drew me in immediately; it’s a memoir told in seventeen stories, each centering on one of O’Farrell’s brushes with death. The writing is beautiful, both lyrical and (at times) disturbingly, can’t-look-away visceral. 

As an anxiety-prone, risk-averse human, I admit I found myself in disbelief at the frequency and ferocity of O’Farrell’s near-death experiences (for example, if I’d survived even one of her three near-drownings, I think I’d probably stop swimming for a while or, uh, forever). Her urge to live life to its absolute fullest, to push boundaries and risk bodies, comes in large part from surviving encephalitis as a child. Remarkably, what she takes away from that experience is that the rest of her life is a bonus, something she lucked into, something to be taken the utmost advantage of rather than tucked away safely on a high shelf. 

While all the stories are powerful, by far the most harrowing for me is the first, in which she re-encounters a man on a trail and knows implicitly and unequivocally that he means to harm her. The story of her miscarriage was also gut-wrenching. 

This was amazing and I’m glad to have read it. I’m embarrassed to admit I’ve never read Maggie O’Farrell before - no, not even Hamnet! - and this has skyrocketed her to the top of my list.

Omar Fernandez

That first story is just amazing and haunting, it got me into the book. The last one is touching and makes me emotional to think about. Some of the stories in the middle, while beautifully written, felt a bit fluffy. 

Overall a good book, but I felt out of steam and not eager to keep reading about halfway through. That said, I read another story here and there slowly over time and generally think it's a good book and the author's stories are beautifully told and made me reflect a lot on the privilege that it is to be alive.

Elena Garcia Navarro

This memoir was incredibly eye-opening, terrifying and hopeful, all at the same time. 

I've been wanting to read one of O'Farrell's novels for ages and never seemed like the right time. Having read her memoir, though, and knowing all the experiences she went through in her life, her childhood illness and all the other times she came close to danger and death and how fiercely and forwardly she took those situations and turned them into lessons. I think after reading this book I have a deeper understanding of who Maggie O'Farrell is as a human being and will be able to appreciate her work in a completely different manner. 

Needless to say, O'Farrell's writing is stunning. It's intense and fearless and she had me tearing up every time she talked about her children. 

Can't wait to read more from her.

Jade Flynn

Through zig zagging years, O'Farrell presents snapshots of a life that moved me to tears. I never knew one person could be so lucky and unlucky at the same time. Found the last section 'Daughter' particulary profound. Truthful, with effortless writing.

Abby N. Lewis

I don't think people realize how difficult it can be to write a successful memoir. To be able to distance yourself from your own personal narrative, your own life story, especially when that story involves traumatic events, is a wildly difficult task to accomplish. Authors sometimes tend to put too much emphasis on an episode that traumatized them, and thus only succeed in turning us off to the experience, as the author made it sound too emotional, too self-absorbed, too self-pitying, too . . . indulgent.

O'Farrell succeeds in not only avoiding that pitfall, but placing such a psychic distance between her and her life's story that her memoir reads like fiction. I haven't read a memoir this good since Maya Angelou's autobiography, I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings.

Renee Blankenship

Having not read any of Maggie O'Farrell's novels, I wasn't sure what to expect from her book I AM I AM I AM. A memoir, this collection of stories illustrates seventeen brushes with death and their affect on O'Farrell's life (emotionally and physically). Thank you Aaknopf of my free copy in exchange for an honest review. 

Each of the stories, some shorter than others, left me with a sense of fear, disbelief, anxiety. O'Farrell writes beautifully and in such a way that you can almost place yourself in her shoes. Reaching for those silver steps under the water, frantically searching for the lock button in your car, hoping against hope that man on the path means you no harm. A few of the stories left me shocked, I can't imagine all seventeen of these scenarios playing out in my own life. Even one or two of them would be more than enough for a person to rationalize. 

"If you are aware of these moments, they will alter you. You can try to forget them, to turn away form them, to shrug them off, but they will have infiltrated you, whether you like it or not." p.32

I sought out this book specifically because of my own experience following the birth of my son five years ago. An event that did not go as planned for myself and left me feeling shocked, pieces of myself strewn about that I clumsily tried to pick up and put back together in the first weeks and months at home with my brand new baby. Knowing one of O'Farrell's stories centered around her own near death labor experience, I was curious. I wanted to read this not just for the "what happened" but for how she put herself back together afterwards. There are few people in my own personal life I can discuss this topic with in any sort of depth, when it comes to having someone truly understand how something like this can shape you. 

When I finally reached the last story, I was tempted to go back and reread a few of chapter. By the end O'Farrell's words had crescendoed to a larger sense of hope. This woman who had escaped deaths grasp so many times, in moments that had one thing or the other happened instead....well it just puts life in perspective. Her strength to battle on, knowing that death can be around any corner at any time (she has proof!) is truly inspiring. Im sure that many people would have been crushed under the weight of just some of those experiences, let alone all of them. I spent a lot of time discussing some of this with my husband as I was reading, including a few "what would you do" moments. One of my favorite parts of reading a good book is wanting to share it with him, to discuss what is happening in a story or bounce my thoughts off of him. 

Thank you Aaknopf for this copy! I truly enjoyed reading it.

I Am, I Am, I Am Seventeen Brushes with Death

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