Name: The Heartstone Thief
ISBN: 9780995711310

Pippa Dacosta

Curtis Vance went looking for death but death found him, in the form of an insane and alluring sorceress. She speaks of magic and lost cities, as though those things exist. But Vance is no fool. He'll use the sorceress to find her mythical gem and sell it to the highest bidder. All he has to do is survive her...

The Heartstone Thief

Pippa DaCosta

In the City of Brea, thieves and sorceresses do not mix. When Curtis Vance-professional thief-stumbles into a sorceress's trap, he'd prefer to kill her than help her. Now bound to the insane sorceress, his only escape (and chance to turn a profit) is to find the long forgotten Dragon Eye gem. Little does Vance know, the Dragon Eye holds more than the key to Vance's freedom. The Eye could awaken a devastating power-a worldkiller bent on destruction, and Vance is all that stands in its way.(The ebook version is exclusive to the Legends of the Damned boxset. Out April 11th. Preorder now to secure your copy at 99¢)

Sarah Escorsa

Previous rating: 18 stars. 
New rating: 20 stars. More or less.

➽ 
  And the moral of this reread is
: I really wonder why the fish some people rave about Pippa DaCosta. I mean, there is absolutely nothing special about her books. The stories she writes are as utterly uninspired as they are desperately boring, and her characters are totally unworthy of my High Security Harem. So why do I keep losing my time with Pippa's books, you ask? Dunno. Maybe because I've read all the beautifully glorious historical romance and mightily wondrous YA out there, ergo my life no longer has meaning and stuff. Yeah, that must be it. 





Previous rating: 15 stars. 
New rating: 18 stars. Obviously.

➽ 
  And the moral of this reread is
: anyone who hasn't yet read this slightly scrumptious book should die an exceedingly slow, somewhat horrible, deliciously excruciating death. QED and stuff. 



P.S. This moderately awesome book has been nominated for a 
  DragonCon Award
. The murderous crustaceans will make sure you suffer the above-mentioned moderately agonizing demise if you don't register kindly request you register here, and then vote for The Heartstone Thief in the Fantasy category. But hey, no pressure and stuff.





[Original review]

Actual rating: 15 stars. More or less.

Note to self: no fangirling. No fangirling. No fangirling.

(view spoiler)[
  
  

  

  
  

  

  
  

  

  Ooops.
 (hide spoiler)]

So. As you might have heard through the shrimpvine, I didn't like this book at all. But being the kind-hearted soul that I am, I am going to pretend I slightly loved it. Because Pippa DaCosta, despite completely lacking talent in the writing department, is kinda sorta nice. So I figure I kind of owe it to her to give one of her books a high rating for once. Besides, being charitable once in a while is probably good for my subaquatic karma. One fake news fangirling review coming right up!

Okay, you know what this book reminded me of? The prehistoric adventure movies I used to watch, back in the days when I was a baby shrimp. You know, those Movies of the Gloriously Glorious Posters with Inbuilt Exclamation Marks (MotGGPwIEM™)? 



If you've never heard of this movie and/or have no shrimping idea who the hot dude on the poster is, you deserve to die. Just so you know.

Action! Adventure! Excitement! Romance! Dashing hero! Feisty heroine! This is what this book is about! Only that this is Pippa DaCosta! Which means that the dashing hero is a deliciously sneaky thieving rascal/anti hero with a slightly screwed up past and enough demons in his yummy little head to fill a couple of levels of Hell! And the feisty heroine is a scrumptiously somewhat bipolar non-princess/assassin/sorceress/who-the-fish-knows with homicidal maniac tendencies! Who likes to cut cut cut and slice slice slice through everyone her enemies! And then there's magical stuff! And supremely sexy delectably embedded gems! And yucky, villainous villains! And daggers! And whorehouses and devious almost everyone and ancient ruins and relics and antique beasts rawrrrr and not-so-good-non-doggies and trepidation and intrigue and great banter and twists and no HEA and no HEA! And stuff! And it's all pretty marvelicious! And I think I've caught the Deadly Exclamation Mark Disease (DEMD™)! Must be an effect of my NOT unleashing my inner hysterical teenage fangirl! I'm not sure I can stop! Please someone! Anyone! Do something! Now! Come on, my Little Barnacles! Call 1-800-Save-My-Dark-Exoskeleton-Clad-Overlord or something!

 

[A message from Goodreads Support]
We are very sorry to interrupt this most fascinating non-review in such a shameful manner, but the nefarious breeder of all things shrimpy known as Sarah is momentarily indisposed. She unexpectedly went into cardiac arrest for some unknown reason named Pippa DaCosta. She is currently being brought back to life by one of her sex slaves harem guests, and should be back shortly. You're welcome.
 [End of message from Goodreads Support]

So, where was I? Oh yes, the moderately awesome MCs (view spoiler)[
  What? That's not where I was? Oh cut me some slack, will you, I just resuscitated about 10 seconds ago
 (hide spoiler)]. First, let's get something out of the way real quick: delicious sneaky slightly screwed up thief of a dashing non-hero = Curtis = Poof! Gone! Harem! So glad we cleared that up. So. MY Curtis, aka "Thief." YUM. Curtis is disgustingly youngish. And he awakens the cougar in me in the most beautifully wicked, evil way. YUM. I am pretty sure what I feel for him is superbly illegal in some countries. YUM. Our Shrimpy Lord knows my Yummy Thief can be exquisitely exasperatingly harebrained sometimes, and that he has a delightful knack for ruining the mostest perfectest of moments, but I am afraid it cannot be helped, I am in luuuuuurrrrve.



Now for our utmostly appetizing somewhat bipolar homicidal freak of a feisty lovely heroine. First, let's get something out of the way real quick: Her Batshit Crazy Princessness/Haughtishness/Cutthroatishness = Shaianna = Poof! Gone! Harem! So glad we cleared that up. So. MY Shaianna. So enchantingly slaughterish. So charmingly enigmatic. So endearingly sorcerish. So adorably cryptic. So rapturously murderous mysterious. So ineffably ineffable. So gorgeously spoiler spoiler spoiler spoiler. And so incredibly spoiler spoiler spoiler, too. I am SO in luuuuuurrrrve.

Sorry, what? You want to know about the story? Why of course, my Tiny Arthropods, of course. Let's see, the story starts out as a most excitingly awesome adventure, complete with, you know, most excitingly awesome adventurous (if slightly magical and mortiferous and otherworldly and lethal) stuff. And then it evolves into a oh-wow-spoiler-spoiler-spoiler-bloody-shrimping-hell-spoiler-spoiler-spoiler-you-have-got-to-be-shrimping-me spoiler-spoiler-spoiler Roller Coaster Ordeal of An Adventure A La Pippa DaCosta (RCOoaAALPDC™). Which loosely translates to: hold on to your knickers, my Lovely Decapods, this ain't no fluffy stroll in the park with the Care Bears of doom and destruction!

Non Hysterical Teenage Fangirling Mission (NHTFM™) accomplished. I rest my case. Temporarily.



» And the moral of this I Wish I Could Tell You More about this Book but Spoiler Spoiler Spoiler Plus I'm Getting a Bit Ravenous And Need to Go Slaughter Things Crappy Non Fangirling Review (IWICTYMatBbSSSPIGaBRANtGSTCNFR™) is: hellish bloody shrimp, Pippa DaCosta, is there anything you cannot write?! Fantasy, UF, SF, non-despicable NA about the silly fae...Next thing you know you'll have me raving like a lunatic maniac about a non stupidly stupid Historical Romance! And that would be pretty disgusting, if you ask me. 

» And the other moral of this IWICTYMatBbSSSPIGaBRANtGSTCNFR™ is: this story will be featured in the Legends of the Damned anthology, to be published April 11, 2017. Available for pre-order at the most scrumptious price of 99¢! So what are you waiting for, my Little Barnacles?! Buy it! Buy it! Buy it!

P.S. There is a slight possibility that this might possibly be the start of a new series. Maybe. Perhaps. That's what my nefarious pinky toe told me, anyway. 
P.P.S. Rawwwrrrr, I tell you!!!!! Rawwwrrrr!!!!

(view spoiler)[



DUH. (hide spoiler)]

ARC kindly provided by the author in exchange for an honest review.

· Book 1.5: Deep Blue Sea - to be published 2019.



[Pre-review nonsense]

I didn't like this one. Not. One. Bit. Yuck yuck yuck. It is a total disgrace from start to finish. I sure hope this will not turn into a series. And if it did, I would never read it. Nope nope nope. Not me. Because, you know, I'm sure it would suck big time and stuff. Just like this book. Which I didn't like. Because it is a total disgrace from start to finish. 







Pippa DaCosta, we need to talk. This has to stop NOW. You have to quit writing crappy stuff. Do you have any idea how much my average rating is suffering from this? You are killing my reputation, woman! This will not do!

►► Full I Promise My Inner Hysterical Teenage Fangirl Will not Be Unleashed in This Crappy Non Review But I Am Slightly Full of Crap So It Might Be a Good Idea not to Believe A Word I Say You're Welcome Crappy Non Review (IPMIHTFWnBUiTCNRBIASFoCSIMBaGIntBaWISYWCNR™) to come.



New. Pippa. Book. Me. Breathe. Not. Can.