Robert E. Howard

The Coming of Conan the Cimmerian (Conan of Cimmeria, Book 1)

 Conan is one of the greatest fictional heroes ever created– a swordsman who cuts a swath across the lands of the Hyborian Age, facing powerful sorcerers, deadly creatures, and ruthless armies of thieves and reavers.

“Between the years when the oceans drank Atlantis and the gleaming cities . . . there was an Age undreamed of, when shining kingdoms lay spread across the world like blue mantles beneath the stars. . . . Hither came Conan, the Cimmerian, black-haired, sullen-eyed, sword in hand . . . to tread
the jeweled thrones of the Earth under his sandalled feet.”

In a meteoric career that spanned a mere twelve years before his tragic suicide, Robert E. Howard single-handedly invented the genre that came to be called sword and sorcery. Collected in this volume, profusely illustrated by artist Mark Schultz, are Howard’s first thirteen Conan stories, appearing in their original versions–in some cases for the first time in more than seventy years–and in the order Howard wrote them. Along with classics of dark fantasy like “The Tower of the Elephant” and swashbuckling adventure like “Queen of the Black Coast,” The Coming of Conan the Cimmerian contains a wealth of material never before published in the United States, including the first submitted draft of Conan’s debut, “Phoenix on the Sword,” Howard’s synopses for “The Scarlet Citadel” and “Black Colossus,” and a map of Conan’s world drawn by the author himself.

Here are timeless tales featuring Conan the raw and dangerous youth, Conan the daring thief, Conan the swashbuckling pirate, and Conan the commander of armies. Here, too, is an unparalleled glimpse into the mind of a genius whose bold storytelling style has been imitated by many, yet equaled by none. 

The Original Adventures of the Greatest Sword and Sorcery Hero of All Time!

The Coming of Conan the Cimmerian

Essential reading for any sword and sorcery fan or anyone interested in the origins of fantasy - it's hard to think of an author who had more of an impact than Howard, alongside Tolkien, on the genre. Rather than following any of the chronologies created by Howard scholars and enthusiasts, this collection presents them in the order they were written; which while authentic, does have the unfortunate effect of sort of front-loading the best stories, as Howard's inspiration waned, his interests drifted, and his stories became increasingly formulaic. The first six or seven ("The Phoenix on the Sword" through "Queen of the Black Coast" or "Black Colossus") are great, and while the remaining six ("Iron Shadows in the Moon" through "The Devil in Iron") are still enjoyable as pulpy adventure, they just aren't as good. "The Tower of the Elephant" and "Queen of the Black Coast" are probably the best, and "The Vale of Lost Women" is probably the weakest, neither of which, I think, are particularly original opinions. Howard's essay "The Hyborian Age" is also interesting reading material, even divorced from its original purpose as window-dressing for Conan, who is not mentioned in it at all.

The supplemental material included in this volume is pretty interesting; Louinet's essay "Hyborian Genesis" is quite an enlightening look at Howard's inspirations and creative process, and the fragments and summaries are neat looks at what could have been; it's a shame he never finished the Punt story, in particular. I confess I skipped over the draft version of "The Phoenix on the Sword" but I'll probably come back and check out the first two chapters which were cut from the published version. All in all probably the definitive version of these genre-defining tales.

Tuck

Essential reading for any sword and sorcery fan or anyone interested in the origins of fantasy - it's hard to think of an author who had more of an impact than Howard, alongside Tolkien, on the genre. Rather than following any of the chronologies created by Howard scholars and enthusiasts, this collection presents them in the order they were written; which while authentic, does have the unfortunate effect of sort of front-loading the best stories, as Howard's inspiration waned, his interests drifted, and his stories became increasingly formulaic. The first six or seven ("The Phoenix on the Sword" through "Queen of the Black Coast" or "Black Colossus") are great, and while the remaining six ("Iron Shadows in the Moon" through "The Devil in Iron") are still enjoyable as pulpy adventure, they just aren't as good. "The Tower of the Elephant" and "Queen of the Black Coast" are probably the best, and "The Vale of Lost Women" is probably the weakest, neither of which, I think, are particularly original opinions. Howard's essay "The Hyborian Age" is also interesting reading material, even divorced from its original purpose as window-dressing for Conan, who is not mentioned in it at all.

The supplemental material included in this volume is pretty interesting; Louinet's essay "Hyborian Genesis" is quite an enlightening look at Howard's inspirations and creative process, and the fragments and summaries are neat looks at what could have been; it's a shame he never finished the Punt story, in particular. I confess I skipped over the draft version of "The Phoenix on the Sword" but I'll probably come back and check out the first two chapters which were cut from the published version. All in all probably the definitive version of these genre-defining tales.

Sarah Escorsa

⚔ Me Like Me Some Yummy Barbarian Cimmerian for Breakfast Buddy Read (MLMSYBCfBBR™) with the Scarlet Citadel Hordes of Doom (SCHoD™), namely My One and Only Male Hatchling and The Most Dreaded Overlord ⚔

Mathematically Computed Overall Rating: 3.917640615 stars.

So. Before reading this Slighty Very Bloody Shrimping Entertaining Collection (SVBSEC™), my knowledge about Conan was limited to this:



Yes yes yes, I know, I should be disgustingly ashamed of myself. And I am, actually. Most revoltingly ashamed indeed. And I think I deserve to be ruthlessly punished. By Conan himself, obviously. Ergo, I am officially surrendering my Appropriately Scantily-Clad Nefarious Little Lithe Self of the Supple Limbs (ASCNLLSotSL™)—in grand Robert E. Howard style, thank you very much—to the Cimmerian Sweetie Pie, and throwing myself on his Barbarian mercy and stuff. (view spoiler)[
  

  

  
 (hide spoiler)]

But anyway. Now that I have read this SVBSEC™, I can tell you that:

① Conan is MINE.

② Robert E. Howard is one of the most underrated Fantasy authors in the history of most underrated Fantasy authors. The guy is Super Extra Talented (SET™), and his writing is downright amazing. QED and stuff. 

③ See ①

④ See ③

I’d tell you more fascinating facts about this book but it seems I’ve utterly exhausted my character allowance for this review (strange that), so I won’t. Lucky you and stuff.



① The Phoenix on the Sword: 4 stars and stuff.

The first thing that came to my shrimpy little head while I was reading this story? This: “Oh wow, Conan is more than a lethally deadly combination of broad shoulders, chiselled muscles, sun-browned skin and luscious black mane and stuff! The dude can actually articulate whole, meaningful sentences! And he can write! With a golden stylus, no less! And on waxed papyrus, too! Color me slightly flabbergasted, the Barbarian One ain’t not the Braindead Nitwit of the Cavernously Empty Cerebrum (BNotCEC™) I thought he was! Well I’ll be damned shrimped!”



I’m thinking I should kidnap adopt Conan pre-emptively just in case, and lock him up offer him free room and board in my High Security Harem. I mean, not only does he have a shining intellect and a Super Extra Hot Body Barbarian Body (SEHBB™), he also grins savagely! And crushes skulls as a hobby! And therefore regularly ends ups with brains spattered all over his face! (view spoiler)[
  Oh dear, my exoskeleton is getting all sizzly and tingly just thinking about it.
 (hide spoiler)] And you know what else? Every local rogue swears by him, and he is known as the Liberator, just like my Croaker! Now if that doesn’t make him prime slave boyfriend material, I don’t know what will.

But there’s more to this story than my new, yummilicious paramour. Oh yes, there most certainly is. We’ve got sardonic villains you can hear figuratively muahahaha-ing (yes, that is a thing) from thousands of miles away. And discussions about gory heads (which are always a plus, if you ask me). We’ve got scheming, treacherous bastards and tyrants who need to die and mad minstrels and conspiracies and vile assassination attempts and cosmic horrors. And also slightly hideous, demoniac creatures that look like crosses between black-fanged, yellow-eyed, shriveled mummies and baboons. YUM.





② The Frost-Giant's Daughter: 2.75 stars.

In which my new Barbaric Sweetheart acts like a creepy rapist ass and is saved from an untimely, savage DNF death by a final twist he was probably the only being in the universe not to see coming, and also by the fact that I’m feeling uncharacteristically understanding and amicable today and therefore decided to cut Howard some slack since he wrote this story in the 1930s and stuff is shamelessly taunted and indecently enthralled by a vile temptress (aka the Golden-Haired Naked Chick of the Gleaming Body and White, Heaving Bosom), which causes him to act like a wanton barnacle in heat against his own will, and go chasing after her through the wild wastes of the North (all snow, no polar bears) and stuff. He kinda sorta tries to grab her shapely derriere and feast on her womanly assets at some point, but it’s really not his fault and he cannot be held responsible for his actions here. Because he is naught but a poor, defenseless man under the irresistible spell of a wicked, evil bitch witch, you see. Ugh. Some women will really stop at nothing in order to seduce weak, vulnerable dudes. Needless to say, the murderous crustaceans and my little self think this is all quite revoltingly shocking indeed, and cannot approve of such obscenely depraved behavior.



P.S. My Cimmerian Sweat Pea might or might not have been saved from the above mentioned untimely, savage DNF death by Howard's slightly fantastic writing. And by blood gushing from half-severed necks, too. Maybe. Perhaps.



③ The God in the Bowl: 4 stars.

  “Let one of you touch me and I'll spill his guts on the floor.”
That’s my Barbarian Boy! Oh how I love it when my favorite loincloth-wearing Cimmerian of the dangerous (and smoldering!) blue eyes, powerful build, sun-kissed skin and unruly black hair goes all vicious savage on his foes, and threatens to slice them into tiny little pieces! It’s Super Extra Sexy (SES™) and stuff. I mean, how can you NOT swoon when you read stuff life:

  “Any man who touches me will quickly be greeting his ancestors in hell.”
And like:

  “If he had sought to hinder me I'd have split his skull.”



I know, right?

But let’s start at the beginning, shall we? This little story here is a sort of Barbarian Style Locked-Room Mystery Meets Murder Mystery Meets Blood And Gore Yay Type Thingie (BSLRMMMMMBAGYTT™), in which my Barbarian Sweetheart (aka the “Vicious Looking Brute of the Villainous Countenance”) finds himself quite involuntarily mixed up in a crime investigation. And it’s pretty cool and stuff. There is the local Inquisitor Sherlock/Poirot/Maigret. There are wonderfully brutish policemen who try to get confessions by threatening to crush people’s bones to pulp (that’s the best way to do it, if you ask me). There are savage grins. And evil ones, too. Delightful words of endearment such as “Speak up, you rat!” are exchanged. There are duplicitous employers and lying bastards and spoiler spoiler spoiler. Groans and shrieks abound. Heads roll, heads fly, and there are showers of blood. In order words: YUM. Again.



④ The Tower of the Elephant: 3.353648 stars.
  “Civilized men are more discourteous than savages because they know they can be impolite without having their skulls split, as a general thing.”
Truer words were never spoken, methinks.

So here—as in the previous story—we follow the adventures of my Barbarian Sweetie Pie™ in his younger days, back when he was naught but an uncivilized, half-naked brute, fresh out of his savage native land. Poor Cimmerian Paramour Mine. Being so suddenly immersed in such a revoltingly sophisticated society is quite the culture shock for him. And I can’t say I’m surprised. I mean, here he is, running around in his Super Extra Sexy Loincloth (SESL™), doing his thieving thing, minding his own larcenous business and being generally yummy, when all of a sudden the local rascals, sorry, I mean civilized locals, go all, “Heathen dog! We’ll have your heart for that!” on him. There are better to welcome a stranger to one’s nation, if you ask me. No wonder my Barbaric Sweet Pea™ got all “bewildered and chagrined” and stuff. And ended up doing the Slice Slice Slice Chop Chop Chop Thing (SSSCCCT™) with his sword. I mean, shedding a little blood is the only way to teach rude people good manners sometimes. 



Go, baby, go! You show these “furtive cut-purses, leering kidnappers, quick-fingered thieves, swaggering bravoes and strident-voiced women clad in tawdry finery” what courtesy and graciousness really mean!

Having thus beautifully imparted his views on proper etiquette, my I-May-Be-A-Savage-But-At-Least-I’m-Polite Boyfriend is therefore free to return to the order of the day, aka stealing a Secret Magical Gem Type Thingie (SMGTT™). A more amiable, civil rascal local is met, criminal forces are joined and thieving business ensues. Death by deadly mist is averted. Swords drip with the blood of strange, silent, cursed beasts (yay!). Cords “woven from the tresses of dead women” are climbed. A fiendish, hairy black horror with frothing fangs (yum) is fought. My Cimmerian Babe™ barely manages not to “explode in a burst of murderous frenzy,” then he gets to meet an Elephant (which might or might not have given this story its name) and also a shrinking, pygmy-type priest who squeaks like an insect. Fun times. “Does he end up stealing the SMGTT™,” you ask? Now now, my Little Barnacles. You don’t really think I’d be callous enough to spoiler spoiler spoiler the fish out of you, do you? (view spoiler)[I am, and he does. You are quite welcome. (hide spoiler)]

All in all, not the best story in this collection so far, but as long as my Cimmerian Paramour of the Powerful Frame, Massive Chest and Smouldering Blue Eyes™ keeps running around half naked shedding blood in a most barbaric (and polite, of course) manner, I’m deliriously happy and stuff.



⑤ The Scarlet Citadel: 4.5 stars. 
  “Free my hands and I'll varnish this floor with your brains!”
 My Cimmerian Hunney Bunney™ most shamelessly betrayed by a bunch of Super Extra Treacherous Bastards (SETB™)! And made prisoner! And shackled! And locked up in a place that isn’t half as welcoming as my High Security Harem! No wonder he’s ever so slightly pissed off and wants to redecorate his enemy’s interiors with body parts!



Yes, that is indeed my Barbarian Sweetie Pie, dressed as an owl last Halloween, and giving his foes the Evil Eye of Death Doom and Spontaneous Combustion™.

So here is King Conan (aka His Yumminess The First), incarcerated in the cheery, welcoming depths of Ze Scarlet Citadel, where he gets the coolest jail playmate ever:
  “Slowly a huge, hideous, wedge-shaped head took form before his dilated eyes, and from the darkness oozed, in flowing scaly coils, the ultimate horror of reptilian development […] This reptile was venomous; he saw the great fangs, a foot long, curved like scimitars. From them dripped a colorless liquid that he instinctively knew was death.”
Most puny humans in this situation would slightly recoil, and go all, “uh-oh, Houston, we have a problem,” but my Barbarian Poppet ain’t no puny human, obviously, and goes all, “yay, I have a new Extra Chummy Scaly Friend™!” More or less.

Anyway, being his usual kick-ass, cunning, resourceful little self, His Yumminess The First manages to get out of the Scandalous Shackles of Infamy™ and goes on his merry way, trying to escape Ze Scarlet Citadel of Joy and Merriment™. He gets to meet the local population, among which a jelly-like, amorphic bulk with tentacles and a frog-like head that kinda sorta makes you want to puke when you look at him/her/it/them/whatever. Fun times. 

Evil, wicked plants are fought. Ancient wizards are spoiler spoiler spoiler. And then spoiler spoiler spoiler happens. A Giant Neither Bat Nor Bird Thingie shows up. Great distances are travelled at great speeds. There is bewilderment, turmoil and chaos. Dead cats come deluging down (don’t ask). My Little Cimmerian Cabbage plays with his sword for a bit and roars like a lion for a while. Then he starts hurling bodies from great heights so that the crowd down below can tear them to pieces (what can I say, His Yumminess The First is generous like that). Savage grins abound, things explode with flashes of hellish fire, heads are severed, blood flows, and the villains get killed dead. That’s what you get for messing with Conan, King of Aquilonia, you evil, treacherous bastards! No matter what you throw at him, my Barbarian Paramour will always prevail, you perfidious scum!





⑥ Queen of the Black Coast: 5 stars. 
  “Who is Bêlit?”
“The wildest she-devil unhanged.”
That she is. And also the original kick-ass chick. Let me tell you, my Comely Decapods, Bêlit here puts 99% of pathetic modern Fantasy heroines to shame. She is fierce, she is badass, she is independent. She is unapologetic as fish. And a pirate queen, my Little Barnacles! A bloody shrimping pirate queen! 



Oh, and as you can see, she’s Super Extra Hot™, too. (Especially considering that she just turned 84 this year. She must use a pretty good moisturizing cream, methinks.) No wonder my Barbarian Paramour fell for her at first sight. And vice versa. 
  "Look at me, Conan!" She threw wide her arms. "I am Bêlit, queen of the black coast. Oh, tiger of the North, you are cold as the snowy mountains which bred you. Take me and crush me with your fierce love! Go with me to the ends of the earth and the ends of the sea! I am a queen by fire and steel and slaughter – be thou my king!"
 These two were meant to be together, if you ask me. And, believe it or not, I’m not jealous of their little fling. Not even a little. Why would I be, anyway? He’s my boyfriend, she’s my girlfriend, one big happy family and stuff!

But wait. Let’s backtrack for a second. I mean, I bet you’re dying to know how these two lovebirds met. Well, this is how it all started: 
  “1. — CONAN JOINS THE PIRATES”
And this is when I went all,



Because my Cimmerian Sweetie Pie + pirates obviously = deliciously yummy in my tummy. Anyway, my boyfriend was minding his own business in some super welcoming coastal town when he kind of ran into trouble with local law enforcement. Conan got himself a little bit arrested and there was a tiny misunderstanding, and then stuff happened. 
  “So then, seeing they were all mad, I drew my sword and cleft the judge's skull”
Such a quick thinking babe you are, Appetizing Barbarian Mine! Talking about being quick, a good thing you made a hasty escape here, and found a ship to flee this most welcoming city post haste! 
  "Can you pay for your passage?" demanded the master.
"I pay my way with steel!" roared the man in armor, brandishing the great sword that glittered bluely in the sun. "By Crom, man, if you don't get under way, I'll drench this galley in the blood of its crew!" 
Always so generous with his funds, my boyfriend. It’s beautiful, really. Anyway, Conan got aboard the ship, stuff happened again, he met my girlfriend Bêlit and her pirate crew, and 💕insta-lurve💕 was instantly in the air. 
  “He glanced at the blue-fringed shore, at the far green hazes of the ocean, at the vibrant figure which stood before him; and his barbaric soul stirred within him. To quest these shining blue realms with that white-skinned young tiger-cat—to love, laugh, wander and pillage—"I'll sail with you," he grunted, shaking the red drops from his blade.”
Note to self: never forget to shake the blood from your blade, it’s hot as fish.

So off they went, my boyfriend and girlfriend, sailing and fighting and sacking and pillaging and laughing and making mad lurve aboard Bêlit’s ship (the very aptly named Tigress). But then they started gliding “into the realm of horror and death”, with “mystery and terror” about them, and things got not-so-funny-anymore in less time than it takes to say “unleash the crustaceans.” Gigantic serpents happened. And also villainous, slightly oversized winged apes. And malign entities. Then Conan got attacked by evil black lotuses ate too many magic mushrooms and went MIA for a while. He got back from wherever-the-fish-he-was, and berserk fury ensued. And the rest, as they say, is spoiler spoiler spoiler.
 
So. Bêlit is awesome (view spoiler)[DUH (hide spoiler)] (especially considering her character was created in 1934) + Conan chops and skewers and severs exquisitely + Howard’s writing is absolutely fantastic = this might or might not be my favorite story in this collection so far. Perhaps. Maybe. Possibly.





Well well well, would you look at that! Looks like I've been overly talkative as usual uncharacteristically chatty and have therefore exhausted the character allotment for this review! Imagine that! So I guess all that's left for me to do is write the rest of Fascinating Crappy Non-Reviews (MFCNR™) for this collection separately and stuff. Fret not, my Little Barnacles, for I shall provide the links for said MFCNR™ henceforth. Lucky you and stuff.



⑦ Black Colossus: 3.32568 stars.

➽ Review here.



⑧ Iron Shadows in the Moon: 4.5 stars

➽ Review here.



⑨ Xuthal of the Dusk: 5 stars.

➽ Review here.



⑩ The Pool of the Black One: 5 stars.

➽ Review here.



⑪ Rogues in the House: 4 stars.

➽ Review here.



⑫ The Vale of Lost Women: 1.5 stars.

➽ Review here.



⑬ The Devil in Iron: 4 stars.

➽ Review here.