Razorblade Tears
Emotional
Thrilling
Testosterone-y

Razorblade Tears a stunning new crime thriller from the acclaimed author of BLACKTOP WASTELAND

S. A. Cosby2021
A BLACK FATHER. A WHITE FATHER. TWO MURDERED SONS. A QUEST FOR VENGEANCE. 'Superb...Cuts right to the heart of the most important questions of our times.' MICHAEL CONNELLY 'A voice as stark and distinctive as Elmore Leonard's, and a humanity that touches the soul.' DAILY MAIL 'Every once in a while a writer comes along with an incredible voice...add S. A. Cosby to that list.' STEVE CAVANAGH Ike Randolph left jail fifteen years ago, with not so much as a speeding ticket since. But a Black man with cops at the door knows to be afraid. Ike is devastated to learn his son Isiah has been murdered, along with Isiah's white husband, Derek. Though he never fully accepted his son, Ike is broken by his death. Derek's father Buddy Lee was as ashamed of Derek being gay as Derek was of his father's criminal past. But Buddy Lee - with seedy contacts deep in the underworld - needs to know who killed his only child. Desperate to do better by them in death than they did in life, two hardened ex-cons must confront their own prejudices about their sons - and each other - as they rain down vengeance upon those who hurt their boys. A provocative revenge thriller and an achingly tender story of redemption, this novel is a ferocious portrait of grief; for those loved and lost, and for mistakes than can never truly be undone. Praise for S. A. Cosby: 'S. A. Cosby is a welcome, refreshing new voice in crime literature.' DENNIS LEHANE 'Sensationally good' LEE CHILD 'I loved BLACKTOP WASTELAND' STEPHEN KING 'Pitch-perfect' DENNIS LEHANE 'Stunning. Can't remember the last time I read such a powerful crime novel' MARK BILLINGHAM 'A superb character study wrapped up in a high-octane heist novel' Guardian 'Fantastic' Sunday Times 'Spectacular.' Daily Mail 'A delicious slice of country gothic wrapped in smart, hard, contemporary neo noir.' ADRIAN McKINTY
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Reviews

Photo of Nik ✨
Nik ✨@nixter
3 stars
Apr 18, 2025

The premise of this was interesting — two prejudiced, ex-con dads get to the bottom of the murder of their gay sons in the South — but the execution fell flat for me. There were parts that were genuinely exciting and intriguing, but the pacing throughout was inconsistent.

This novel addresses heavy topics like racism, homophobia, transphobia, etc. I had no issue with the subject material and was compelled by these two older men grappling with their own biases. However, I’m unsure of who the intended demographic was for this book. Some of the dialogue surrounding these topics felt almost like an after school special for people unfamiliar with them. While I can understand the need for someone who may find themselves more ignorant to these subjects, it was annoying and almost redundant for someone educated about them.

Finally, I chose to listen to this via audiobook, and feel as if that might have been a mistake and is contributing to my pacing issue. The narrator did not read this in a way where it felt engaging or flowed the way I would want. I found myself pausing the book a lot because his cadence was getting under my skin and have no doubt that I would’ve enjoyed this book better if the narration was up to my standards.

+2
Photo of armoni mayes
armoni mayes@armonim1
5 stars
Jun 17, 2024

Firstly, this book made me cry which is so rare for me so of course it was an immediate five stars. I read blacktop wasteland in 2020 and fell in love with the Cosby’s writing style as well as his ability to tell a damn good story, so, after reading this I would read anything he writes. He also gets bonus points because his stories are based in richmond/newport news area which is where i’m from! This is a story about two dads seeking revenge for the death of their two gay sons but also about an unlikely bond and friendship that formed between them throughout the novel. There is also great discussion about sexuality and race throughout the plot.

Photo of Geoffrey Froggatt
Geoffrey Froggatt@geofroggatt
3 stars
Nov 29, 2023

This book is about two fathers who seek revenge for their murdered gay sons and seek to do better for their sons in death than they did in life. This book is not for readers who only want to read LGBT+ stories with happy endings for the queer characters, and is not for readers who don’t like morally flawed protagonists. Content warning for explicit racism, explicit homophobia, murder, transphobia, graphic violence, and kidnapping. With writing that's as precise and emotionally engaging as it is cinematic, characters and relationships reign supreme. Still, some of the author’s other choices render this novel something short of a triumph. Queer people are central to the investigation and the story, but not one has a particularly strong, fully realized voice of their own. Two are dead, and the others are deeply disappointing. The author also has straight people talking about LGBT+ marginalization in conversations that sometimes sound preachy and unrealistic rather than organic to their characters’ voices. It's a jarring juxtaposition — having straight characters gain this growing awareness of and sensitivity to discrimination when the queer characters are marginalized in the narrative. I understand why some readers and reviewers felt uncomfortable with this story as it is the exploration of marginalization through the eyes of two homophobic men, but the introspection on their prejudices and regrets of the past were fascinating to read. The plot did meander a bit in the middle of the book, but I felt like it was realistic as investigations in real life aren’t convenient or fast. I would have loved this book more if it had more violence and intensity that revenge movies usually have, but the execution of this book did feel very realistic. I wanted flashbacks to their sons lives as I wanted to know more about their personal characters and stories, but I think the choice not to do this was made to focus on the primary protagonists and their stories as fathers. We do get pieces of Isiah and Derek through the brief memories of their fathers, but I was left wanting more to flesh out their characters beyond just tragic victims of a hate crime and murder. I liked the two antiheroes on their redemptive journey from prejudice to love. Lean and mean, this is crime fiction with a chip on its shoulder. Violence and love go hand in hand in this tale of two rough men seeking vengeance for their murdered sons. I recommend this book for readers who love brutal revenge stories. I would love to see this book adapted into a movie with prestige actors portraying the antihero protagonists.

Photo of Abigail F
Abigail F@collapsinglibrary
3.5 stars
Sep 1, 2023

Q&D- not my typical read but kept me engaged, tearful, made me laugh out loud. Action packed. Love is often more difficult to capture, this book did a great job capturing a different side of it.

+2
Photo of Charlsy Sekyere
Charlsy Sekyere@charlsy_s
5 stars
Jun 30, 2023

I was captivated from beginning to end. This book kept me hooked throughout. I enjoyed the suspenseful elements of mystery and revenge in discovering what happened to Ike's and Buddy Lee's sons (Isiah and Derek). There were times when this book was moving and touching, and I found myself getting emotional towards the end. The dynamic between Ike and Buddy Lee, and their later friendship, was also heart-warming to see. Reading this book may not be for everyone due to the writing and the way sexuality is discussed, but the content makes it worthwhile. Overall, it's an excellent book that I recommend highly.

Photo of Katrina Meyers
Katrina Meyers@motherofallbookdragons728
4 stars
May 7, 2023

More of a 3.5

Photo of Alexa M
Alexa M@alexasversion
2 stars
Feb 6, 2023

honestly boring. this was written like an action movie & I think would have been better off as just that! also male main characters… written by men….. absolutely not 🤢

Photo of Melyssa Tromberg
Melyssa Tromberg @melyssat
4 stars
Feb 6, 2023

WOW. S.A Crosy knows how to write a book. This was my first book by him and won't be my last. It was everything I was hoping for in a revenge based thriller PLUS SOME. The character development of the main characters, Ike and Buddy Lee, was truely authentic - from their thoughts, dialogue and growth - it was a RIDE to experience and a heartbreak of a story to fathom. I also felt that the author did an excellent job delving into the main topics of this book - race, poverty, privilege and sexual orientation. I was so engrossed in the characters, that I didn't see certain twists coming but everything aligned perfectly by the end with the last 2 sentences of the book bringing everything together. I could go on and on but I feel like you just need to go read this book. You won't regret it.

Photo of Micah
Micah@siltoile
5 stars
Jan 3, 2023

Revenge stories ♥♥♥♥♥

Photo of Siya S
Siya S@haveyoureadbkk
4 stars
Nov 29, 2022

4 stars! This book was so damn incredible. I read it in one sitting without knowing much what's it about or how it's gonna be. Hell, I thought it was a sappy, melodramatic piece of literature that I usually enjoy. How I was wrong! Still, part of it was literature indeed. It was al beautifully written. Those proses about loss, regrets, sadness that clung to you like an invisible cloak and how your life would never again feel as vibrant and meaningful after you lose your loved one? Damn that hit me hard. At the start of this action-packed, revenge-fest, surprisingly enjoyable thriller, Isiah and the love of his life, Derek, was brutally murdered. Their fathers, albeit their differences in absolutely possible dimension — race, background, social status — must joined hands in tracking down the culprits and establishing their own kind of kangaroo court and punish those who killed their gay sons. And damn right they would stop at nothing, not until those who wronged their children and orphaned their beloved niece got violently and deservingly scraped off of the face of the planet forever. I LOVE the humor!! What the hell??? Buddy Lee was hilarious and I enjoy his snarky redneck humor a lot. I like how he humbly accepted insults from Ike, and generously admitted his flaws and ignorance. Both as a father and as a human being. Ike was a definition of toxic/fragile masculitiy, and his journey toward becoming a better person was very enjoyable to read. Last but not least, I cant stop imagine Idris Elba and Ike, and Matthew McConaughey (True Detective look) as Buddy Lee. Perfecto.

Photo of Laura Wilson
Laura Wilson@bookswithlaura
4 stars
Nov 28, 2022

Lots of murder. Much more murder than I thought there would be. Knew there would be murder, but not so much murder. “When he hit the ground, his large and small intestines began to unspool like a ribbon of saltwater taffy soaked in merlot”. Artful written murder.

Anyway, this book is definitely not what I’d normally read and it read like a movie. Despite how gruesome it was, I still really enjoyed it but it probably isn’t for the faint of heart. Well written, quick read (unless you’re me and you put it down for two weeks), and it did make me tear up at parts. Thumbs up.

+4
Photo of Isabela H
Isabela H @isabelah
3 stars
Oct 8, 2022

It took me longer than I would’ve liked to get into this book but I’m really happy that I finished it. It’s incredibly worth it to see the arc of the characters and see if their actions finally constitute redemption for their past and current sins. ** spoilers ahead ** My favorite parts of this book by far were when Ike and Buddy forged a meaningful relationship amid all of the turmoil in their lives. Most books don’t focus on platonic relationships, especially between two older men, and I loved how they were able to connect despite all the tension between them.

Photo of Jordan /
Jordan /@jordanesperlak
3 stars
Aug 12, 2022

3.50⭐️

Photo of Ethan Hill
Ethan Hill@localhero
4 stars
Aug 12, 2022

S.A. Cosby I’m sending you the next bill for my anxiety meds.

Photo of Celeste Richardson
Celeste Richardson@cecereadsandsings
5 stars
Aug 11, 2022

This book, y’all. Razorblade Tears broke my heart and kept me on the edge of my seat in equal measures. It’s a superb piece of crime fiction with powerful messages about racism, sexuality, and accepting your loved ones for who they are, no matter how different they might be, before you run out of chances. It’s about vengeance and justice and learning that you can still grow even when you’ve been set in your ways for longer than you can remember. It’s about family, both that which you’re born into and that which you build for yourself along the way. It’s about grief and how, sometimes, you don’t even feel like you deserve to feel it. Above all, this is a story that felt honest and real and true at its core, despite being a work of fiction. “Tears ran from his eyes and stung his cheeks. Tears for his son. Tears for his wife. Tears for the little girl they had to raise. Tears for who they were and what they all had lost. Each drop felt like it was slicing his face open like a razorblade.” This is the story of Ike and Buddy Lee, two men who on the surface couldn’t seem more different. Ike is a middle-class small business owner, married with a lovely house in the suburbs. Buddy Lee is “between jobs,” living in a rundown trailer and subsisting mainly on alcohol. Ike is black, and Buddy Lee is redneck white. They have two things in common: both are ex-cons, and their sons Isiah and Derek are married to each other. Neither man accepts their son’s sexuality, and both have a very strained relationship with their child until the unthinkable happens. Both young men are brutally murdered in their home, leaving behind a three-year-old daughter, unanswered questions, and bitter, regretful grief in their fathers. The book opens at their funeral, which marks the first time Ike and Buddy Lee have ever spoken. Both are deeply regretful of how they had treated their sons, and both are filled with fury over the murder. When the cops have pretty much let the case go cold after a couple of months, Buddy Lee and Ike take the solving of the murder and avenging their sons’ deaths into their own hands. “It didn’t seem fair for a man to morn someone, abundantly, that he had loved, so miserly.” Cosby’s work has been classified as violent Southern noir, and that feels exactly right. It captures the feel of the American South superbly, balancing the good and the bad without making us a caricature of ourselves. Razorblade Tears was gritty and dark but ultimately redemptive. The growth of Ike and Buddy Lee over the course of the novel was beautiful to watch. The ways in which they came to terms with their own failings as fathers, and their deep desire to find some way to show the boys that they loved them and accepted them and would have gone to any lengths to apologize for how they treated them in life, was profoundly moving. I also really loved how their relationship shifted from a grudging partnership to a genuine friendship over the course of the novel. “Folks like to talk about revenge like it’s a righteous thing but it’s just hate in a nicer suit…” The characters and their inner struggles were absolutely my favorite element of the novel. However, there wasn’t a single way in which Cosby fumbled this book. The aforementioned setting was well handled. The mystery element was expertly balanced, managing to be both impossible to guess and totally sensible once revealed. We learned at the same rate as the main characters, which I loved. The explorations of racism, sexuality, and homophobia were beautifully multifaceted. The external conflicts, between Ike and Buddy Lee and those who had been involved in the murders of their sons, were believable brutal. The prose was poetic when it needed to be, and disappeared into the narrative when that best served the plot. And the pacing was perfect for the story. “The tears came again. They poured from his eyes and ran over his cheeks. Flowed down to the stubble of his chin. This time did didn’t feel so much like razorblades. They felt like the long-awaited answer to a mournful prayer for rain.” Razorblade Tears is such a powerful story, and it’s exceptionally well told. It’s moving, thought-provoking, and propulsive, which is a difficult balance to strike. Honestly, there’s nothing about it that I would change. Sensitive readers should be aware of the graphic violence, and might need to pass on this. But if you have a strong stomach and want to be challenged while also experiencing a story that is almost impossible to put down, you should definitely read Razorblade Tears. You can find this review and more at Novel Notions.

Photo of Agnes Johansson
Agnes Johansson@agnes_is_reading
4 stars
Jul 13, 2022

3,5⭐️ the story was really moving and did what was expected of it. Ike and Buddy Lee meshed really well together and both the heartbreaking and funny moments were convincing. However, the author tends to repeat himself a bit, sometimes two sentences in a row would start with the same name and he’d describe the same things two times in a paragraph. But after a while I was so immersed in the story I could look past the slightly annoying repetitions. Some reflections of the fathers towards the end were quite cliché but it was still sweet. A very important book about battling prejudices, homophobia and racism.

Photo of Fraser Simons
Fraser Simons@frasersimons
1 star
Jun 9, 2022

Sometimes you just gotta give 21%. I understand why this would be well liked. It’s extremely palatable commercial fiction. It has two old, rough and tumble dudes attempting to make things “right” when their two gay sons are murdered for unknown reasons. They’re the ones for the job apparently, despite literally hating their sons, driving them to a life which did not include them. It’s sort-of appealing? Parents finally giving a shit about the queer kids. But the problem for me was that they approach problems in a way that, yes, makes sense for the genre. Both hammers everything nails, and so on. But I truly did not believe the central conceit of them actually caring about their kids. And the only way I almost got there was the sense that it is very conditioned masculinity to provoke a reaction in men that they themselves were attacked by proxy because something they made or belonged to them was harmed. But I still could not care less about them as people. And at that point it’s all just spinning wheels to me. I did notice, however, a marked improvement in craft from Blacktop Wasteland, which deployed wildly incongruent similes and metaphors. It’s still very Hemingway-esque at a sentence level. And that’s a pejorative for me. I use it to mean repetitive and boring sentences, and therefore paragraphs. It’s a lot of commercial fiction these days. Usually can’t escape it. Sadly. If the framing had been different for this story I do think I’d have kept up with it and enjoyed it. I like revenge stories that get the heart pumping. But homophobes trying to make things right between them and dead kids. That ain’t it, for me.

Photo of Julia
Julia@juliawreads
5 stars
May 26, 2022

4.5

Photo of Cindy Lieberman
Cindy Lieberman@chicindy
4 stars
Mar 26, 2022

Two OGs, one a black middle class business owner, the other a semi-alcoholic white racist behind in rent on his mobile home, are brought together by the murder of their sons… who were married to each other and raising a mixed race daughter. While I enjoyed the action and plot, it was necessary to just go along for the ride. What’s more likely, that two grandpas fend off a motorcycle gang that outnumbers them 3-1 or 5-1, not just once but several times, or that this homophobic, oil-and-water pair bond over their shared grief and come to accept not only that their sons were lovers but that everyone LGBTQIAetc has the right to live and to be loved for who they are? This has Hollywood movie written all over it, and I think it could do very well at the box office between the action, possible love interest, buddy adventure, and putting criminals and crooks in their place. A little more humor, delivered by the right actors, and it’s a winning combination. Why not 5 stars? The author seemed to try and incorporate almost too many of today’s important social issues into one story. The writing also changes perspective from the hero (the black business owner) to that of the leader of the motorcycle gang. This second voice was much less compelling and took me out of the flow at times. Still an enjoyable action novel with a message.

Photo of Elska Bee
Elska Bee@elskabee
3 stars
Mar 13, 2022

The exploration of grief and coming to accept their sons for who they were was a really strong aspect of this book and easily the best written. In fact the exploration of the themes of racism and homophobia is some of the best I've seen recently because of how raw and real it felt. Considering how much it's talked about between the characters, it very rarely felt preachy or like the author was lecturing you through the page which is a really good thing. Plenty of very, very gory violence (like seriously, if you hate gore maybe skip this one) which I just don't really care about positively or negatively, though it did feel it took up more page space than it should have. I had some issues with the writing, mostly just because there were a lot of unnecessary words and sentences on the page (i.e. over describing inconsequential actions) that killed the flow every now an again. The style was mostly fine, you just have to get your head attuned to the dialect and then it's pretty easy to read. Some of the slang can make some sections a bit hard to parse but at least it's true to the characters. It got a bit meandering at times and I considered DNFing at about the 50% mark because it felt like it was dragging its heels and that's one of the main reasons I can't rate it higher than a three. For a reasonably short book I'm honestly surprised at how slow paced it felt, which for a mystery thriller I think is not a great thing and certainly not what I was expecting going in.

Photo of Amanda
Amanda @soundscharming
4 stars
Mar 9, 2022

Once it started going it never stopped. Loved all the action, and social commentary.

Photo of Caitlyn Hagen
Caitlyn Hagen@clovermine
4 stars
Mar 3, 2022

Dang. I am glad a read out if my comfort zone for this one. It was excellent all the way through and the end was both satisfying and painful. I read this half through audiobook and the narrator was amazing. Probably the best Audiobook I have read so far.

Photo of Sabrina Crispyn
Sabrina Crispyn@scrispyn
3 stars
Feb 27, 2022

I loved the premise of this book and I wish I liked it more! Don’t get me wrong, I did like it for the story itself and for the characters, but it ended up being too violent and heavy-handed for me.

+2
Photo of Jeff Brown
Jeff Brown @jeffb23
5 stars
Feb 25, 2022

"Blacktop Wasteland" was probably my favorite book of 2020. I gave it a solid 5 stars. "Razorblade Tears" is not only my favorite of 2021, it somehow surpassed "Blacktop Wasteland". I guess I will have to give it 5+ stars. The Goodreads description of "RT" is very thorough. My biggest takeaways are a combination of two things. With the two sons being Black and White, as well as gay, Ike and Buddy Lee were awful in their prejudices against their sons while they were alive. They thought that in time they would mend their relationships with their sons, but time ran out. So they not only mourn the loss of their sons, but the missed opportunities they could have had with their sons and granddaughter. With Ike and Buddy Lee both of different races and having different roads through prison, their relationship at the start of the book was more than just a little rocky. They are broken by the deaths of their sons, but remain tough to each other to hide the deeper feelings that they have. The only connection they allow themselves to have is to find the killer and get redemption for their sons. I have to add a TW of extreme violence and torture. But between these battles, Ike and Buddy Lee spend a lot of time together, learn about each other's backgrounds, find connections and share each other's feelings about their sons, about their being gay, and how they wish that they realized much sooner that it didn't matter that they were gay. And while Ike and his wife are raising the granddaughter, both men are looking forward to being grandfathers. There are books and authors that pound you over the head in trying to force the reader to accept LGBT+ relationships -- often so much that it overwhelms the story. In "Razorblade Tears", it was painful, yet enjoyable, to see these two rough, tough men slowly accept their sons and their marriage in a more than subtle way. The message is there, but it doesn't come near to overtaking the story. THAT is what makes this book so special. S.A. Cosby is now one of my favorite authors. In both of the books mentioned here, even if the basic premise isn't in your realm of reading materials, I IMPLORE you to take the time to add these books to your reading list. It will be worth the time.

Highlights

Photo of Abigail F
Abigail F@collapsinglibrary

The tears came again. They poured from his eyes and ran over his cheeks. Flowed down to the stubble on his chin. This time they didn't feel so much like razorblades. They felt like the long-awaited answer to a mournful prayer for rain.

Page 319
Photo of Abigail F
Abigail F@collapsinglibrary

"No, hate. Folks like to talk about revenge like it's a righteou thing but it's just hate in a nicer suit," Ike said.

Page 284
Photo of Abigail F
Abigail F@collapsinglibrary

It occurred to Buddy Lee that anything could be a weapon if you were dedicated enough. Even love. Especially love.

Page 261
Photo of Abigail F
Abigail F@collapsinglibrary

Tears ran from his eyes and stung his cheeks. Tears for his son. Tears for his wife. Tears for the little girl they had to raise. Tears for who they were and what they all had lost. Each drop felt like it was slicing his face open like a razorblade.

Page 21
Photo of Kylie Robinson
Kylie Robinson@robosons

This time they didn't feel so much like razorblades. They felt like the long-awaited answer to a mournful prayer for rain.

Photo of Kylie Robinson
Kylie Robinson@robosons

I..ain't. .. gonna..make... to... the... victory . party," Buddy Lee said. Ike went back down to one knee. Buddy Lee's breathing was becoming shallower and shallower. "Stay... with... me," Buddy Lee said. Ike shifted his weight until he was sitting next to Buddy Lee. He put his arm around the man and felt the brittleness just under his skin. It was like hugging a baby bird. "It's cancer, ain't it? All the coughing and shit," Ike said. Buddy Lee nodded, his head moving at a snail's pace. "You... think... Ill... see... the...boys?" Buddy Lee asked. Ike had to strain to hear him. He bit his bottom lip so hard it nearly bled. "I hope so," Ike said. "Me too," Buddy Lee said. Then he slumped against Ike's chest. His head rolled to the side and he was still. Ike wrapped his arm around him and pulled him close. He sat that way until Arianna spoke. "Him tired?" she asked. Ike wiped his face. He carefully lay Buddy Lee on his side. "Yeah, but he gonna rest now," Ike said.

pg. 312

This highlight contains a spoiler
Photo of Kylie Robinson
Kylie Robinson@robosons

"Oh, you didn't know we knew about that? Hey, no judgment here. I'm what you call an ally," Buddy Lee said.

the development pg. 271

This highlight contains a spoiler
Photo of Kylie Robinson
Kylie Robinson@robosons

It occurred to Buddy Lee that anything could be a weapon if you were dedicated enough. Even love. Especially love.

pg. 261

Photo of Kylie Robinson
Kylie Robinson@robosons

When the people you love are gone, it’s the things they’ve touched that keep them alive in your mind. A picture, a shirt, a poem, a pair of baby shoes. They become anchors that help you keep their memory from drifting away.

pg. 248

Photo of Natalie Sypeck
Natalie Sypeck @natcatreads

No, hate. Folks like to talk about revenge like it's a righteous thing but it's just hate in a nicer suit," Ike said. P. 285

Photo of Natalie Sypeck
Natalie Sypeck @natcatreads

But if all this has taught me one thing, its that it ain't about me and what I get. It's about letting people be who they are.And being who you are shouldn't be a goddamn death sentence," p. 241

Photo of Natalie Sypeck
Natalie Sypeck @natcatreads

"It was a mistake, Chrissy. We both made a lot of mistakes with him. He wasn't abhorrent. He wasn't sacrilegious. He was just Derek. That should've been enough for both us”

This book is breaking my heart. 😭

Photo of Natalie Sypeck
Natalie Sypeck @natcatreads

It was the rage coursing through his veins. A poison that killed off cer- tain parts of yourself. The parts that made you weak. It was coursing through Ike's veins, too. It was powerful but deadly. It made you determined but reckless. It gave you an edge that could turn against you and slit your own throat.

Photo of Natalie Sypeck
Natalie Sypeck @natcatreads

"This is who I am. I can't change. I don't want to, really. But for once I'mn gonna put this devil inside me to good use."