Swords & Dark Magic The New Sword and Sorcery

Overall rating: 3.1325 stars. No laughing. This was computed quite mathematically and stuff. ☢ Friendly Warning: I bought this anthology because Just so you know. Okay, for those of you who have lives and don't have the time/can't be bothered to read the most fascinating reviews I painstakingly wrote for every bloody shrimping story in this anthology, here is the long and short of it: ❣ You really really really want to read: ✔ Tides Elba by Glen Cook (view spoiler)[ DUH (hide spoiler)]. ✔ Goats of Glory by Steven Erikson (no, this is not a joke). ✔ Two Lions, a Witch and a War-Robe by Tanith Lee. ✔ Red Pearls by Michael Moorcock. ❉ You might want to read: ✔ A Rich Full Week by K. J. Parker. ✔ In the Stacks by Scott Lynch (not a joke either). ☠ You do not want to read: ✘ Everything else. ① Goats of Glory by Steven Erikson: 4.5 stars ➼ Series: this story is not part of the Malazan series per se, but it takes place in the Malazan world. Let's do some quick maths, shall we? Dark stuff + yummy demons + kick ass chicks + foul language + non-stop action + evisceration + scrumptious fights + chopped off limbs = I rest my case. P.S. Goats rock. ETA: just finished reading Gardens of the Silly Moon. No comment. ② Tides Elba by Glen Cook: 8 stars ➼ Series: The Black Company, #1.2 The mostest awesomest mercenaries in the history of mostest awesomest mercenaries !!! My grumpy boyfriend Croaker!!! One-Eye, Goblin, Otto, Hagop, Silent, Elmo, the Captain…most of my babies are here!!! A game of tonks with a very unexpected outcome!!! Oxymorons!!! Shrimp!!! Stupendelicious dialogues!!! And just like that, I'm home!!!!!!! ③ Blood Sport by Gene Wolfe: 2 stars If there was supposed to be a point to this delightfully entertaining story, there is a slight possibility that I might have missed it quite entirely. Maybe. ④ The Singing Spear by James Enge: 2.5 stars ➼ Series: Morlock Ambrosius. A drunk magician and a spear that sings. Wow. I can barely contain my excitement right now. This is too much. I think I'm about to have a heart attack or something. Halp. ⑤ A Wizard in Wiscezan by C.J. Cherryh: 2 stars Young wizard apprentice, blah blah blah, been there read that, blah blah blah, couldn't care less couldn't care less couldn't care less, blah blah blah, bored bored bored, bye bye bye. ⑥ A Rich Full Week by K. J. Parker: 3.88 stars A "philosopher" + undead type people (view spoiler)[not zombies. Big difference. Because zombies suck and stuff (hide spoiler)] + slightly awesome magic + a little horror = ⑦ A Suitable Present for a Sorcerous Puppet by Garth Nix: 2.5 stars ➼ Series: Sir Hereward and Mister Fitz. Quick Garth Nix maths: this short story + Sabriel = Because too light. Because too diet. Because too decaf. Because ever so slightly boring and stuff. Also, in this particular Suitable Present case: "beautiful attendant" (please allow me to eyeroll my little self death) + bloody shrimping silly puppet (of all things) = I don't think so. Bye now. ⑧ Red Pearls by Michael Moorcock: 4.5 stars ➼ Series: The Elric Saga. Disclaimer: I'd never heard of Michael Moorcock before reading this story. Yeah yeah yeah, I'm slightly challenged in the Fantasy department, I know. Please feel free to sue me and all that crap. Elric of Melniboné, where the fishing fish have you been all my subaquatic life?! Do you realize I want to do the infamous Poof! Gone! Harem! on you already? After reading only a tiny little adventure of yours?! And despite your albinistic features?! Hey, no offense to my Little Albino Barnacles, but I like my slaves boyfriends on the darker skin-darker hair side and stuff (view spoiler)[His Furriness doesn't count, obviously (hide spoiler)]. This is kinda sorta unheard of, you know. But I guess it can be scientifically explained by the fact that: a)You're slightly hot. b)Your moral compass seem to be a little on the fished up side. c)You're slightly hot. d)Your sword is slightly hot (view spoiler)[ and yes, I do mean your "sword." Not your, you know, "sword" and stuff (hide spoiler)]. e)You're slightly hot. f)Your girlfriend is slightly hot. She's got pretty huge harem potential, too. g)You're slightly hot. QED and stuff. Also: ships and pirates and dragons, oh my! Now let's dance. ⑨ The Deification of Dal Balmore by Tim Lebbon: 2 stars ➼ A story set in the world of Lebbon's Echo City novel. I just finished reading this one. It was fascinating. I loved it. Just kidding. Sooooooo, I must have read this story really, really wrong, because everyone else seems to think it's slightly wondrous. So either I have despicably despicable book taste or I'm the only one who read this right. Which seems highly probable, come to think of it. Because I'm always right even when I'm not wrong all the time. But anyway. There was some lovely fighting and blood shedding here, which was pretty cool and stuff, but I didn't like the priestess chick female lead, which was pretty not cool. That Dal Balmore guy could have been delicious material, but he wasn't, so that was pretty not cool as well. Also, to the hilarious people who thought this story was beautifully dark: I love you too, People of the Despicable Book Taste (PotDBT™)! Bye now! ⑩ Dark Times at the Midnight Market by Robert Silverberg: 2.5 stars ➼ A story set in the world of Silverberg's Majipoor series. This one is a refreshingly captivating story about love potions. Hahahahaha. Just kidding. Okay, so it is really a story about love potions but refreshingly captivating it was most certainly not. I mean, come on, bloody shrimping love potions? Seriously? Was this story written 30 years ago or something? Anyway, apart from that Silly Lurve Brew Thing (SLBT™), the story was not badly written. It was revoltingly light, slightly somewhat a little predictable and Deadly Land of Meh (DLoM™) material, but other than that, it was fairly survivable. To be disgustingly honest, the world was pretty intriguing and there were some cool creatures frolicking around. Does that mean I want to give Silverberg's Majipoor series a try? Hahahahaha. I think not. I may have masochistic tendencies but I don't have a death wish. Yet. Don't ask. ⑪ The Undefiled by Greg Keyes: 1 star Okay so I should have loved this one because it's dark and violent and stuff. BUT: 1)Everyone else seems to think it's pretty fantastic, ergo I obviously didn't. It's so sad to see other people read so many books wrong all the time. 2)I must be really weird and severely old-fashioned, because I don't find jokes about rape funny. ⑫ Hew the Tintmaster by Michael Shea: 2 stars ➼ A story based on Jack Vance's Cugel the Clever character, from his Dying Earth series. Was I supposed to like this one, too? Yeah, I think I was supposed to like this one, too. Guess what? I didn't like it. Oops. The premise isn't bad (if a bit light and silly), but the writing nearly killed me here. Why? Because never-ending descriptions and flowery language of death. Such hardcore stuff should be outlawed, if you ask me. ⑬ In the Stacks by Scott Lynch: 3.99 stars Ah, Scott Lynch, aka The Author Who Doesn't Know What Concise Means (TGWDKWCM™) the beloved author of one of my mostest favoritest books ever. Such a glorious surprise it was to find a most wondrous story of his in this anthology! I do love the smell of DNF in the morning, so it was with eager anticipation that I started reading what I expected to be a mind-numbingly tedious tale. What a total, complete rip-off. I actually *whispers* liked this one! I bloody shrimping *whispers* enjoyed reading it! This cannot be, Mr Lynch! This will not do! This was supposed to be the cure to my insomnia, not something that *whispers* kept me awake! You tell him, Lady Catherine! Such shameful behavior cannot and will not be condoned! So the frightfully awful truth is this: yes, as much as it pains my beautifully serrated pincers to admit it, I kinda sorta *whispers* didn't think this was totally crappy. What the fish is wrong with me? Pretty sure I have some kind of weird, deadly disease or something. That's the only logical explanation for this sad display of despicable book taste. But anyway. I thought this story was not *whispers* entirely unworthy of being read because: ✔ Coolest sentient library ever. ✔ Vocabuvores FTW! I want to kidnap adopt them all. Pretty sure they'd get on really well with my murderous babies. All of them together, such a beautifully lethal army they would make. Just the thought of it makes me go all tingly inside and stuff. ✔ Engaging cast of characters. Most of them are disgustingly young and I must admit there is quite the revolting YA feel here, but I survived anyway ← yet another proof that something is really really wrong with poor little me. ✔ Fun, entertaining stuff ← that specific enough for you? Good. So yeah, you might want to read this one. Because, it's, you know, *whispers* not too thoroughly crappy and stuff. ⑭ Two Lions, a Witch and a War-Robe by Tanith Lee: 4.5 stars This one kinda sorta made me feel like a bunch of boozy, hyper Sherlocked Boys on acid. Shake that booty, you pickled chaps! Yeah, that is most certainly me while I was reading this moderately enjoyable story here (view spoiler)[ I have pretty smooth and sexy moves, right? (hide spoiler)]. Why? Because: Two deliciously sarcastic and beautifully unflappable sword-wielding dudes. + Severed limbs aplenty (heads, hands, ears, you name it! Yay!). + Ha ha ha material. + Sorcery/magic/whatever. + A witch and stuff. + A wardrobe war-robe and stuff *waves at C.S. Lewis* + Lions (no tiger or bears or Currans though) and stuff. = (view spoiler)[ Told you I had super smooth and sexy moves. (hide spoiler)] ⑮ The Sea Troll's Daughter by Caitlín R. Kiernan: 2 stars I think Kiernan might have found the cure to insomnia here. ⑯ The Fool Jobs by Joe Abercrombrie: 2.25 stars ➼ A story set in the world of Abercrombie's First Law series. Ah, The First Law, what a glorious series. I loved The Blade Itself SO much. It really is one of my top 100,000,000 mostest favoritest books of all times and stuff. Yes, I'm hilarious, I know. Anyway, I didn't love this one as nearly as much as I didn't love The Blade Itself. Why? Because: 1/It tries too bloody shrimping hard to be funny. Ergo, it isn't. Also, if I want to read about an awesome band of most wondrous mercenaries a ragtag bunch of brutes, and chuckle & giggle & chortle at their most delicious dialogues, I'll reread the Black Company of Dazzling Scrumptiousness (BCoDS™), thank thee kindly. 2/This thing doesn't know if it wants to be funny or dark. Ergo, it's neither. First it's all, "laugh at my story, it's deliriously humorous!" (view spoiler)[ And I'm like… (hide spoiler)]. Then it's all, "be in awe of my story, it's all slaughterish and bloody!" (view spoiler)[ And I'm like… (hide spoiler)]. But worry not, Mr Abercrombie! It's definitely not me you, it's quite obviously you me! The end.