Emily X. R. Pan

A New York Times bestseller. 'This brilliantly crafted novel portrays the vast spectrum of love and grief with heart-wrenching beauty and candor. A very special book' - JOHN GREEN, author of The Fault in Our Stars Life, loss, love and art explode in a kaleidoscope of emotions as one girl must learn the truth about her family's past in order to bring peace to the present. For fans of John Green, Jennifer Niven, Jandy Nelson and Nicola Yoon. Leigh Chen Sanders is sixteen when her mother dies by suicide, leaving only a scribbled note: 'I want you to remember'. Leigh doesn't know what it means, but when a red bird appears with a message, she finds herself travelling to Taiwan to meet her maternal grandparents for the first time. Leigh is far away from home and far away from Axel, her best friend, who she stupidly kissed on the night her mother died - leaving her with a swell of guilt that she wasn't home, and a heavy heart, thinking she may have destroyed the one good thing left in her life. Overwhelmed by grief, Leigh retreats into her art and into her memories, where colours collide and the rules of reality are broken. The only thing Leigh is certain about is that she must find out the truth. She must remember. With lyrical prose and magical elements, Emily X.R. Pan's stunning debut novel alternates between past and present, romance and despair, as one girl attempts to find herself through family history, art, friendship, and love.

The Astonishing Colour of After

Emily X.R. Pan

"Emily X.R. Pan's brilliantly crafted, harrowing first novel portrays the vast spectrum of love and grief with heart-wrenching beauty and candor. This is a very special book."--John Green, bestselling author of The Fault in Our Stars and Turtles All the Way Down A stunning, heartbreaking debut novel about grief, love, and family, perfect for fans of Jandy Nelson and Celeste Ng. Leigh Chen Sanders is absolutely certain about one thing: When her mother died by suicide, she turned into a bird. Leigh, who is half Asian and half white, travels to Taiwan to meet her maternal grandparents for the first time. There, she is determined to find her mother, the bird. In her search, she winds up chasing after ghosts, uncovering family secrets, and forging a new relationship with her grandparents. And as she grieves, she must try to reconcile the fact that on the same day she kissed her best friend and longtime secret crush, Axel, her mother was taking her own life. Alternating between real and magic, past and present, friendship and romance, hope and despair, The Astonishing Color of After is a stunning and heartbreaking novel about finding oneself through family history, art, grief, and love.

The Astonishing Color of After

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Memories that tell a story, if you look hard enough. Because the purpose of memory, I would argue, is to remind us how to live.

Here is my mother, with wings instead of hands, and feathers instead of hair. Here is my mother, the reddest of brilliant reds, the color of my love and my fear, all of my fiercest feelings trailing after her in the sky like the tail of a comet.

“Sisters are very lucky,” Feng says quietly. “They get to be family and they also get to be best friends. Even in the afterlife, I think they recognize the presence of the other better than anyone else.”

Once upon a time we were the standard colors of a rainbow, cheery and certain of ourselves. At some point we all began to stumble into the in-betweens, the murky colors made dark and complicated by resentment and quiet anger. 

At some point, my mother slid so off track she sank into hues of gray, a world drawn only in shadows.

To remember is to grieve for the hands that once caressed my face, leaving a trace on my cheeks that were once loved by the departed’s presence.

And I’ll grieve for as long as I remember you.

I’m sick of remembering. Weary of the shadows and storms being tugged to the surface of my mind, mauve spilling into raw umber. Tired of reliving the past, the mistakes.

We try so hard to make these little time capsules. Memories strung up just so, like holiday lights, casting the perfect glow in the perfect tones. But that picking and choosing what to look at, what to put on display—that’s not the true nature of remembering.

Memory is a mean thing, slicing at you from the harshest angles, dipping your consciousness into the wrong colors again and again.

"Emily X.R. Pan's brilliantly crafted, harrowing first novel portrays the vast spectrum of love and grief with heart-wrenching beauty and candor. This is a very special book."--John Green, bestselling author of The Fault in Our Stars and Turtles All the Way Down A stunning, heartbreaking debut novel about grief, love, and family, perfect for fans of Jandy Nelson and Celeste Ng. An APALA Honor BookA Walter Award Honor Book Leigh Chen Sanders is absolutely certain about one thing: When her mother died by suicide, she turned into a bird. Leigh, who is half Asian and half white, travels to Taiwan to meet her maternal grandparents for the first time. There, she is determined to find her mother, the bird. In her search, she winds up chasing after ghosts, uncovering family secrets, and forging a new relationship with her grandparents. And as she grieves, she must try to reconcile the fact that on the same day she kissed her best friend and longtime secret crush, Axel, her mother was taking her own life. Alternating between real and magic, past and present, friendship and romance, hope and despair, The Astonishing Color of After is a stunning and heartbreaking novel about finding oneself through family history, art, grief, and love.

bianca

I remember trying to see the love between them, waiting for a spark, or even a faint glow that might be hovering in the air, however dim. I remember squinting to see something.

It had to be there. Some slight color, no matter how bleached the hue—or even just a pale wash wrapping around them.

Memory is a mean thing, slicing at you from the harshest angles, dipping your consciousness into the wrong colors again and again. A moment of humiliation, or devastation, or absolute rage, to be rewound and replayed, spinning a thread that wraps around the brain, knotting itself into something of a noose. It won’t exactly kill you, but it makes you feel the squeeze of every horrible moment. How do you stop it? How do you work the mind free?

Her body was silent, but her darkness was louder than anything. Our home shrank to the size of a dollhouse, and the walls pressed up against me so that I couldn’t breathe or speak or hear anything but her despair.

Ian Brakspear

Hold your finger to the sky with so much force it lengthens like a spine. Look up to the point of it and beyond

There. That tiny patch of the world, no bigger than the tip of your finger. At first glance, it mightjust look like one flat color.

But it's much more complex than that. Squint. See the daubs of lilac. The streak of sage no wider than a hyphen. That butterscotch smear and the faint wash of carnelian. All of them coming together to swirl at the point just above your finger.

Breathe them in. Let them settle in your lungs. Those are the colors of right now.

“You love who you love There's no changing that. You do your loving whenever, wherever you wish"

Gracie Marsden

This is yet another example of the kind of book I want to write. It’s a beautiful book about loss, about the struggles of maneuvering teenage years, and the challenges of mental illness. I’m actually Taiwanese-American, so I was particularly excited to read a book about Taiwanese-American characters written by a Taiwanese-American author. Also, if you’ve ever been to Taiwan, this book will bring back major nostalgia in the best way.

Amanda Jones

alexandra

this is a book i want to take my time and savour. it's a work of art; it bursts with so many colors and so many emotions. if there's one word to describe it all, i'd use "beautiful." it made me feel sorrow deep in my core. the only thing was that it took me a while to finish and i didn't feel compelled to pick it up (but maybe that's a good thing? in a way?) also, i loveeeed exploring the cultural aspects of Taiwan.

Addie 🌻

This was so beautiful oh my god definitely a new favourite

lisa roeling 

Rachel Kanyid

This was absolutely lovely, and although it deals with such a tough topic of suicide, depression, loss, and grief, it still maintains an optimistic feel and felt very warm.

Zahia Saeed 

This has been in My TBR pile for a while. After reading this now I am kicking myself for not reading it earlier. 
The writing is so beautiful, so lush delicious I wish I can eat it up.
I cried my eyes out.
I love this book 3000

anessa lawrence 

This story. Incredibly beautiful. I just finished less than 5 minutes ago so i’m kinda grasping for words to use right now. The writing is so breathtaking and almost poetic but not in a way where it’s hard to understand? If that makes sense. I love that throughout the book we jump from Leigh’s past, to her Moms past through the incense, and back to the present. The way almost everything is described through colors is just so incredibly unique and interesting to read. I will admit it took me a while to get into the story but once i did there was no stopping or anything distracting me from reading.

Sonja H

Ich wusste nicht viel über dieses Buch, als ich mit dem Lesen begann. Es war mir in einer Goodreadsgruppe begegnet und klang interessant.

Gleich zu Beginn war mir klar, dass dies eine sehr intensive Geschichte sein wird. Der Schreibstil ist gerade zu Beginn ungewöhnlich, fesselnd, emotional und mystisch. Die Autorin malt mit Worten. Sie zeichnet ein Bild statt nur zu erzählen.

Auch ihre beiden Protagonisten greifen zu Farben, Zeichnungen und Musik, um die Welt zu erklären, die sich so schnell um sie herum verändert. Sie fühlen sich nicht vorbereitet auf das, was mit ihnen passiert und sie suchen ihren Halt in dem, was nur die Seele auszudrücken vermag.

Faszinierend sind auch die asiatischen Elemente wie der Glaube an Geister und das Verbrennen von Räucherstäbchen, die zwar stellenweise sehr phantastisch wirken, aber nie überzogen oder unglaubwürdig sind. Sie verdichten die Atmosphäre, unterstreichen die Emotionen und helfen den Figuren dabei, ihren Weg durch das Unbekannte zu finden.

„The Astonishing Color of After“ handelt von Verlusten, Freundschaften, Familien und davon, dass man das Schicksal nicht aufzuhalten vermag, dass es Situationen gibt, die man nicht beeinflussen kann, die sich ungewollt entwickeln, aber aus denen man gestärkt hervorgehen und seine Zukunft trotz allem positiv gestalten kann.

Mich hat dieses Buch deutlich mehr begeistert als das letzte Werk von John Green, der ein ähnliches Problem beleuchtet, es aber mit weniger Hingabe und viel distanzierter angeht.

Emily X.R. Pan widmet sich ihrem Thema voller Hingabe und einer gewissen Vorsicht. Es ist keine leichte Aufgabe, die sie ihren Charakteren aufbürdet, doch sie vermag sie überzeugend zu lösen.

Ein tolles Buch, das ich wirklich wärmstens empfehlen kann.

Trinity Halsey

I am going to be thinking about this book for days! The writing was insanely beautiful the way the author used color in her descriptions just blew me away everytime. I can't even find the words to really express how beautiful this book is, it was so raw and tender near the end I was choking back tears. I will be buying the physical copy this is a must read.

Definitely looking forward to diving more into this author!

courtney garrison

I wasn’t sure what to expect with this novel. I traded an arc on Twitter shortly before release date and I honestly didn’t know what it was about going in. I’m glad I didn’t know what this book was going in because the synopsis doesn’t do it justice. It was so beautifully written and is just a masterpiece. I didn’t know what I was getting myself into, but this book will rip your heart to shreds and your left wanting to know what happens next.
The writing in this novel was amazing, I loved that the author included two different languages other than English, it had me looking some up trying to figure out what they meant. The fact of the way her grandparent’s culture approached ghosts was so intriguing. They respected the dead, gave them gifts and cooked for them. They were given a whole month to appreciate their loved ones.
The characters had so much growth throughout this book. Leigh alone had so much growth with finding out who she was and where her mother came from. Her friendship with Axel was the main issue throughout the book and it was great to watch their friendship grow and morph. You watch Leigh struggle with the guilt and secrets her family was keeping and through the flashbacks she gets to know her mother and family better.
The story does flip back and forth between present time and memories from Leigh’s family members. This was probably one of my favorite aspects of the book. How the author would describe the transitions and color changes was so beautifully done. All I could imagine was a rainbow puff cloud each time the colors changed. The magical realism throughout this book made it such an immersable read.
One of the main topics in this book is suicide, in the synopsis, it does say Leigh’s mother took her own life. If that is in anyway a trigger for you, I would avoid this book as it deals with the grief, anger, guilt, and sadness that comes from losing a loved one this way. This book does show that we as a society shouldn’t be rude or cruel to someone being depressed. We should be there for them in any way they need us and try to get them the best help you can. I see so many comments about telling one to “man up” or “suck it up, that’s life”. For someone in that state it is not that easy to just suck it up and for anyone who needs help, please seek it. You are loved, valid and there is help out there.

This is such a beautiful debut & whilst being confusing at times and going through a stage of thinking “What’s the Point” I think that the ending Brought it all together nicely and boosted the star rating a little. The Timelines at times took a while to get used to as there are 3 The present day (with all its magical realism and craziness), the time leading up to Dory's suicide and a third completely non-linear timeline spanning multiple decades. 

This is a book that is about grief, sorrow, and magic. It was about finding yourself and learning to process fried that we all do in our own ways. Within the book itself there is a romance element with Leigh and Axel having fantastic chemistry and asking how each other feels through the use of colours, which I found super interesting to learn about as the book went on. 

Overall, I would recommend The Astonishing Colour of After if you are looking for a heartfelt and sad but magical book that is full of culture and heritage. 

 TW: Suicide, Depression 

 

This is such a beautiful debut & whilst being confusing at times and going through a stage of thinking “What’s the Point” I think that the ending Brought it all together nicely and boosted the star rating a little. The Timelines at times took a while to get used to as there are 3 The present day (with all its magical realism and craziness), the time leading up to Dory's suicide and a third completely non-linear timeline spanning multiple decades. 

 

This is a book that is about grief, sorrow, and magic. It was about finding yourself and learning to process fried that we all do in our own ways. Within the book itself there is a romance element with Leigh and Axel having fantastic chemistry and asking how each other feels through the use of colours, which I found super interesting to learn about as the book went on. 

 

Overall, I would recommend The Astonishing Colour of After if you are looking for a heartfelt and sad but magical book that is full of culture and heritage. 

Josefina

tw: suicide
finally i have some time to finish every book i started. i'm glad that my reading slump is over and that i finally gave a good rating to something other than Heartstopper lol
so, about this book, i was having some trouble getting into it at first because of the relationship between father and daughter and how stubborn both were, but as the pages went along i understood that it was their way of showing their grief.
i adored the glimpses we had of the past and how everything came together so beautifully in the end.
i feel like this is an important read to get the representation of asian characters, the importance of family, to know where you come from and get in touch with your heritage, and to have a discussion about mental health and why it needs to stop being such a taboo topic.

Cariena

Dit was echt een prachtig verhaal! Hartbrekend.

Alexa Jade

Actual rating: 4.5 

This book is beautiful. I docked half a star because it dragged for me at a few points.

Eleanor Luhar

Another book I read almost four months ago now (oops!). I think it's time to get this review written!
I was immediately drawn to this book when I read the blurb. Leigh is a young woman struggling to accept her mother's suicide. She finds herself travelling to Taiwan to meet her mother's parents, where Leigh discovers more about her mother and her family than she ever expected.
This book was written beautifully, with colours expressing emotion. Leigh is an artist and thus pretty much thinks in terms of colour. It's also an amazing mix of real-life, sorrow and loss, and fantasy. I don't want to go into too much detail, but Leigh is convinced her mother is visiting her even after her death, but in a very different form.
As well as all the emotions surrounding the loss of her mother, Leigh addresses the issues around being a "half-blood". As a child of mixed-race parents myself, I found some of the things in this book incredibly relatable. But it wasn't an overbearing part of the story though, which I thought was fantastic.
This was a really emotional book, fantastically written. It was sad but heart-warming. 5 stars; I loved it!

hello i just finished this and now i’m crying i can’t even begin to explain how much i loved this book

Fatin Allen

** spoiler alert **
           Picked up this book primarily because of its pretty cover and the word “color” in its title. As expected, the author used colors as a primary element in the story. A fascinating width of vocabulary to describe colours that I may not know how does it look like. Nonetheless, a brave attempt to include depression as one of the main themes. Liked the details about Taiwan, the Ghost month, the food and also mandarin vocabs!

Tegan Anderson

Shoutout to NetGalley (like usual) for giving me an eARC in exchange for an honest review.

A description of the book: Leigh – half Asian and half white – is certain that her mother turned into a bird when she died by suicide. She travels to Taiwan to meet her grandparents for her first time, and she’s determined to find her mother in bird form. She ends up chasing after ghosts and uncovering family secrets while making a new relationship with her grandparents.

I’m very conflicted about what star rating to give this, because I feel like it deserves a high one? But, three stars is ‘liked it’, and four stars is ‘really liked it’, and I think I just ‘liked it’. So three stars isn’t a bad rating.

Things I liked:
•	So. Much. Food.
•	The exposure to Chinese/Taiwanese culture and learning about it
•	The execution of magical realism/religion
•	Reiterated the biological aspect of depression
•	The writing is b e a u t i f u l and I love the use of colour metaphors
•	It doesn’t romanticize suicide
•	There’s resources for people seeking support and/or have lost someone to suicide at the end of the book

Things I didn’t like:
•	It’s long
•	It moves very quickly
•	It jumps around a lot between the present, Leigh’s memories, and the memories of other people
•	I didn’t feel like we got to know too much about the characters now, just their pasts
•	Axel uses a girl as a ‘distraction’ from someone else
•	In some places, the description was Too Much
•	They describe emotions using unfamiliar colours so I didn’t really know what they were feeling??
•	I still don’t really understand why Leigh wanted to find her mother or what she wanted to get out of it

So, in conclusion, this book is beautiful. It can start discussions on depression and suicide that would usually be avoided, and it goes into so much detail about different treatments and how they might not work for everyone. It introduces the readers to (potentially) new cultures in an honest and exciting way.

Rating: ★★★☆☆

Imie Kent-Muller

This book breaks your heart, only to mend it again by the end of the book. Powerful,beautiful, meaningful. This book is fantastic, definitely has a permanent spot on my favourite shelf!

A stunning, heartbreaking debut novel about grief, love, and family, perfect for fans of Jandy Nelson and Celeste Ng. Leigh Chen Sanders is absolutely certain about one thing: When her mother died by suicide, she turned into a bird. Leigh, who is half Asian and half white, travels to Taiwan to meet her maternal grandparents for the first time. There, she is determined to find her mother, the bird. In her search, she winds up chasing after ghosts, uncovering family secrets, and forging a new relationship with her grandparents. And as she grieves, she must try to reconcile the fact that on the same day she kissed her best friend and longtime secret crush, Axel, her mother was taking her own life. Alternating between real and magic, past and present, friendship and romance, hope and despair, The Astonishing Color of After is a stunning and heartbreaking novel about finding oneself through family history, art, grief, and love. "Emily X.R. Pan's brilliantly crafted, harrowing first novel portrays the vast spectrum of love and grief with heart-wrenching beauty and candor. This is a very special book."--John Green, bestselling author of The Fault in Our Stars and Turtles All the Way Down

Lily D

Such an amazing story about grief. So unique, unlike anything I've ever read. So so good.

(also debating between a 4star and a 5star)

Sophia De La Garza

DNF @ 144 pages
I really want to continue this book but the pace of the plot is just too slow for my current reading mood. Hopefully, I can pick it up again before the end of the year.

Shelby Doherty

Likes: 
- Really great narration
- Did not like the idea of reading a YA book (especially one with fantastical, magical realism aspects) but really really enjoyed listening to this!
- Love that while she is discovering who she is and what she wants she is simultaneously discovering who her family is.
- Enjoy the struggle that she faces with her father and how they come to work things out between themselves in the absence of her mother.

Dislikes:
- Did not really care for the "What color are you feeling now?" parts of the book. But I do enjoy that she and Axel have this strange way of describing/navigating their feelings
- Did not particularly enjoy the budding romance between Leigh and Axel but at the same time was happy that they end up together at the end.

The Astonishing Colour of After

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