Alain de Botton

What does it mean to live happily ever after? At dinner parties and over coffee, Rabih and Kirsten's friends always ask them the same question: how did you meet? The answer comes easily - it's a happy story, one they both love to tell. But there is a second part to this story, the answer to a question their friends never ask: what happened next? Rabih and Kirsten find each other, fall in love, get married. Society tells us this is the end of the story. In fact, it is only the beginning. From the first thrill of lust, to the joys and fears of real commitment, to the deep problems that surface slowly over two shared lifetimes, this is the story of a marriage. It is the story of modern relationships and how to survive them. Playful, wise and profoundly moving, The Course of Love is a delightful return to the novel by Alain de Botton, twenty years after his debut Essays in Love.

A Novel

The Course of Love

Alain De Botton

amasi

“Compatibility is an achievement of love; it shouldn’t be its precondition.”

“We are never through with the requirement for acceptance. This isn’t a curse limited to the inadequate and the weak. Insecurity may even be a peculiar sign of well-being. It means we haven’t allowed ourselves to take other people for granted, that we remain realistic enough to see that things could genuinely turn out badly—and that we are invested enough to care.”

“He will surmise that love can endure only when one is unfaithful to its beguiling opening ambitions, and that, for his relationships to work, he will need to give up on the feelings that got him into them in the first place. He will need to learn that love is a skill rather than an enthusiasm.”

Farah Aisha Shabrina

Beautifully written that it is almost impossible for the reader to not be enchanted. The book is basically about marriage in all its worst scenarios and the tender observation of such events. In this book, we are gradually exposed to common realities of the rational & irrational thinking of falling in love, the charm of marriage, the rage and tendency to blame the one in the vicinity who loves us, separation anxiety, etc. And after the hassle and gold tassels of a matrimonial bond, it all came back to the basic one premise stated in the book: “Marriage is a hopeful, generous, infinitely kind gamble taken by two people who don’t know yet who they are or who the other might be, binding themselves to a future they cannot conceive of and have carefully omitted to investigate.”

- incredibly ostentatious and eccentric prose. Victorian era writing with a modern narrative of love. Writing style preference aside, I laud the author for using such formal, flowery, and specific language to describe simple phenomena.

(Eg: extramarital affair as “Using a stranger bypasses resentments, emotional vulnerability, and any obligation to worry about another’s needs. We can be just as peculiar and selfish as we like, without fear of judgment or consequence. All emotion is kept wonderfully at bay: there is not the slightest wish to be understood, and therefore no risk, either, of being misinterpreted and, consequently, of growing bitter or frustrated.”)

- actually breaks down complex concepts that are often reduced to buzzwords.

(Eg: communication as “What makes people good communicators is, in essence, an ability not to be fazed by the more problematic or offbeat aspects of their own characters. They can contemplate their anger, their sexuality, and their unpopular, awkward, or unfashionable opinions without losing confidence or collapsing into self-disgust.”)

(Eg: expecting understanding from one's partner as “That may be why, in relationships, even the most eloquent among us may instinctively prefer not to spell things out when our partners are at risk of failing to read us properly. Only wordless and accurate mind reading can feel like a true sign that our partner is someone to be trusted; only when we don’t have to explain can we feel certain that we are genuinely understood.”)

- took away one main teaching: always ask why something is important to your partner. If your partner is being stubborn or angry, and you see this behavior as unreasonable, or that this behavior is causing conflict between the two of you, always try to understand the reason for this behavior. It helps to infuse empathy to how you respond to your partner. It also helps your partner think through if their behavior is right.

- reflections after events in the relationship are heavily biased towards Rabih. Especially towards the end at Rabih's affair, we understand his motives, guilt, and reconciliation, but we don't know how Kirsten feels about the affair and if she had an affair herself. It started off well by being 50/50, however.

- suggests that the solution to normal marital conflict is therapy. This is great, and more awareness and acceptance for couples' therapy is beneficial. But it should not be the end-all be-all. For a book that started off emphasizing so much communication and understanding, I would have liked to see Rabih and Kirsten use these skills when faced with conflict later on.

- reminds me of a long-standing fear that love will inevitably erode, and long-term love is a package deal with insufferable conflict. Romantic stories void of conflict are seen as unrealistic, but what I need now is a true story of love that sustained because of wisdom and work.

Xin Ma

Points that inflate this rating:

- incredibly ostentatious and eccentric prose. Victorian era writing with a modern narrative of love. Writing style preference aside, I laud the author for using such formal, flowery, and specific language to describe simple phenomena.
(Eg: extramarital affair as “Using a stranger bypasses resentments, emotional vulnerability, and any obligation to worry about another’s needs. We can be just as peculiar and selfish as we like, without fear of judgment or consequence. All emotion is kept wonderfully at bay: there is not the slightest wish to be understood, and therefore no risk, either, of being misinterpreted and, consequently, of growing bitter or frustrated.”)

- actually breaks down complex concepts that are often reduced to buzzwords.
(Eg: communication as “What makes people good communicators is, in essence, an ability not to be fazed by the more problematic or offbeat aspects of their own characters. They can contemplate their anger, their sexuality, and their unpopular, awkward, or unfashionable opinions without losing confidence or collapsing into self-disgust.”)
(Eg: expecting understanding from one's partner as “That may be why, in relationships, even the most eloquent among us may instinctively prefer not to spell things out when our partners are at risk of failing to read us properly. Only wordless and accurate mind reading can feel like a true sign that our partner is someone to be trusted; only when we don’t have to explain can we feel certain that we are genuinely understood.”)

Most importantly:
- took away one main teaching: always ask why something is important to your partner. If your partner is being stubborn or angry, and you see this behavior as unreasonable, or that this behavior is causing conflict between the two of you, always try to understand the reason for this behavior. It helps to infuse empathy to how you respond to your partner. It also helps your partner think through if their behavior is right.



Points that deflate this rating:

- reflections after events in the relationship are heavily biased towards Rabih. Especially towards the end at Rabih's affair, we understand his motives, guilt, and reconciliation, but we don't know how Kirsten feels about the affair and if she had an affair herself. It started off well by being 50/50, however.

- suggests that the solution to normal marital conflict is therapy. This is great, and more awareness and acceptance for couples' therapy is beneficial. But it should not be the end-all be-all. For a book that started off emphasizing so much communication and understanding, I would have liked to see Rabih and Kirsten use these skills when faced with conflict later on.

Most importantly:
- reminds me of a long-standing fear that love will inevitably erode, and long-term love is a package deal with insufferable conflict. Romantic stories void of conflict are seen as unrealistic, but what I need now is a true story of love that sustained because of wisdom and work.

Faith Ho 

This book has quite a unique writing style; interspersing "omniscient wise sage advice" between paragraphs that follow our two characters who play out the specific scenarios that the omniscient narrator then links to a broader idea or concept, regarding "love". Some of these seem intuitive (e.g. communication), some are more challenging to accept (e.g. perspective on adultery) and some are interesting pieces of information (e.g. attachment styles). I also appreciated the fact that this book didn't merely focus on "The Start" of love, but the entire journey of a relationship, including uncomfortable parts like "Adultery" and unglamorous parts like "Children" (which definitely led me to gain new appreciation for my parents!). Overall, I would say that it led to an engaging, enjoyable read than, say, a self help book on how to navigate a relationship. 

I do have 2 things to point out, however. 1) Because the omniscient narrator just simply injects these pieces of advice into the story, I tend to regard it with quite a bit of skepticism unless it already aligns with what I do believe. It probably isn't the point of this book to make me agree with all these points he brings out, but sometimes the effect is that what is said feels a bit like generalisations or unqualifiable statements - and results in a cynical response (though that might just be me). 2) As the book progresses, sometimes just a few paragraphs of Rahib and Kirsten's interactions occur before the omniscient narrator interjects, and I feel this diluted the strength of these characters as after a while they just seemed like props / actors in a roleplay - I lost some of the connection and investment in them that I had formed earlier. 

-SPOILER-
In the end (haha), what stuck with me the most was the ending. By all accounts Rahib and Kirsten (the married couple this book follows) have an "average" life - and the way Rahib comes to terms with his unremarkable life, even love, is poignant.

Maddie

Lovely story of a relationship, coupled with anecdotes about human nature. Highly recommended!

We all know the headiness and excitement of the early days of love. But what comes after? In Edinburgh, a couple, Rabih and Kirsten, fall in love. They get married, they have children--but no long-term relationship is as simple as 2happily ever after. 3The Course of Love is a novel that explores what happens after the birth of love, what it takes to maintain love, and what happens to our original ideals under the pressures of an average existence. You experience, along with Rabih and Kirsten, the first flush of infatuation, the effortlessness of falling into romantic love, and the course of life thereafter. Interwoven with their story and its challenges is an overlay of philosophy--an annotation and a guide to what we are reading. This is a Romantic novel in the true sense, one interested in exploring how love can survive and thrive in the long term. The result is a sensory experience--fictional, philosophical, psychological--that urges us to identify deeply with these characters, and to reflect on his and her own experiences in love.

Amy Thibodeau

I enjoyed this book, but found the narrator a bit distracting. I would just become immersed in the main characters--the couple--when the narrator would swoop in and pontificate. This sentient voice reminded me a bit of Richard Attenborough, a national treasure to be sure, but not someone I want interrupting a poignant or emotional scene. 

What I loved about this book was its perspective on marriage. Too often romantic narratives pay too much attention to things that matter very little. We're all obsessed with finding out how people meet, or what their wedding was like as though these things matters very much at all or are expressions of what really matters in a long relationship. The book never pretends that marriage is anything but hard, but it does so in a way that manages to be tender and lovely all the same. 

I solidly enjoyed this book. Full disclosure: I received a free review copy of this book from the publisher.

garima mamgain

I had very high expectations from this book. The topic of love is a little difficult to dissect. The book is sprinkled with witty one liners and the method of writing is unique but I wish it really did explore the very subject a little bit more in detail.

Matthew Bischoff

A novel that is entwined with italicized philosophy about romantic love over the lifetime of a single couple. So much heart and wisdom in this book. My favorite passage:

Few in this world are ever simply nasty; those who hurt us are themselves in pain. The appropriate response is hence never cynicism nor aggression but, at the rare moments one can manage it, always love.

“An engrossing tale [that] provides plenty of food for thought” (People, Best New Books pick), this playful, wise, and profoundly moving second novel from the internationally bestselling author of How Proust Can Change Your Life tracks the beautifully complicated arc of a romantic partnership. We all know the headiness and excitement of the early days of love. But what comes after? In Edinburgh, a couple, Rabih and Kirsten, fall in love. They get married, they have children—but no long-term relationship is as simple as “happily ever after.” The Course of Love explores what happens after the birth of love, what it takes to maintain, and what happens to our original ideals under the pressures of an average existence. We see, along with Rabih and Kirsten, the first flush of infatuation, the effortlessness of falling into romantic love, and the course of life thereafter. Interwoven with their story and its challenges is an overlay of philosophy—an annotation and a guide to what we are reading. As The New York Times says, “The Course of Love is a return to the form that made Mr. de Botton’s name in the mid-1990s….love is the subject best suited to his obsessive aphorizing, and in this novel he again shows off his ability to pin our hopes, methods, and insecurities to the page.” This is a Romantic novel in the true sense, one interested in exploring how love can survive and thrive in the long term. The result is a sensory experience—fictional, philosophical, psychological—that urges us to identify deeply with these characters and to reflect on his and her own experiences in love. Fresh, visceral, and utterly compelling, The Course of Love is a provocative and life-affirming novel for everyone who believes in love. “There’s no writer alive like de Botton, and his latest ambitious undertaking is as enlightening and humanizing as his previous works” (Chicago Tribune).

Grace E Erving

De Botton debunks the ever growing desire for or generation to romanticize our relationships, arguing that relationships cannot weather the storm if this is the sole foundation. Rather than looking at love as the end-all-be-all in our life and looking at our partner as one who will meet all of our needs, de Botton emphasizes that love is a skill that we are constantly growing in. There were parts of this book that challenged me and I wanted to write off. But those challenging parts show where I need to grow deeper in treating love as a skill. I fully plan to have this book become required reading for any man I date. 

Nadine 

Ultimately unsatisfying as it ends abruptly in the midstream of married life while the children are in their early teens before the turmoil of puberty & the hormones of menopause. No word on the period of empty nesting or the love of becoming grandparents- so yes much of interest and recognition but not enough.

Bob Simone

Author was much more proud of himself than he aught to have been. Learned a couple things, but not enough to justify the time. Also, it might as well just be his abstract thoughts on love, there was no plot and the characters were weakly sketched.

Georgia Carr

Oh man. If I only got to read Alain de Botton's work from this moment forward, I would not complain. I am so giddishly excited about discovering de Botton, it's like I'm a child again (: 

You know when you read a book and it is so good that you don't want to read anything else because there is no way it will live up to that book's standard? This is me, right now. 

The Course Of Love is an incredible piece of writing, mingling non-fictitious philosophy with the fictional tale of Rabih and Kirsten, from the moment they met through their marriage and their children and all the ups and downs you could ever expect in a relationship. It's so so beautifully done. My copy is highlighted all over. 

I want to make everyone read this. It should be required reading before anyone is allowed to be in a relationship. I'm reconsidering all of my 5 star reviews now because I feel like this book has actually (and I don't say this lightly) changed my perspective in life. I can't wait to read more de Botton and compare shockingly mediocre books to his fabulousness. The standard has been set.

We all know the headiness and excitement of the early days of love. But what comes after? In Edinburgh, a couple, Rabih and Kirsten, fall in love. They get married, they have children but no long-term relationship is as simple as happily ever after. "The Course of Love" is a novel that explores what happens after the birth of love, what it takes to maintain love, and what happens to our original ideals under the pressures of an average existence.

Amanda Wells

I have told pretty much everyone that I've encountered in my life that I have been reading this book. There are just too many truths frankly but kindly sprinkled through this book - truth bombs abound. And I feel like perhaps my psychologist pretended to be Alain de Botton, and crept this into my hands. 

Honestly, a brilliant book that makes me wish to rewrite modern love stories to better reflect a true experience of life and love. The magic of romance novels is wonderful, but the magic of real life and people is far more complex and therefore precious. I feel already an inclination to be kinder to everyone around me, and myself after delving into the lives and psyches of The Course of Love's protagonists. 

I would definitely recommend this book to anyone. It contains a lot of empathetic understanding, philosophies applied to mundane lives, and amusing anecdotes of imperfect people through the course of their loves and lives.

Dani Pesayco

A meaningful story with a message worth conveying, but unfortunately written in such unnecessary purple prose. De Boton's choice of words was hard to digest to the point where I had to put the book down to let my eyes breathe. Nonetheless, I plowed on because I felt the story was worth discovering. In the end, it was. The aphorisms were sensible and weaved perfectly with the characters, though I personally felt they were being built up to be pseudo-complex.

Overall, it is a telling story of the realities of love. It tells us how it starts as an emotion and the most intense feeling one may have, and how it transforms into something you'd never think was actually love between two people in its purest form.

Recommended for: people looking for a non-romantic yet sensible take on a love story

Luca Conti

Un romanzo che in realtà è un saggio sull'amore, sulle relazioni, sul matrimonio. Intelligente.

Halsted Mencotti Bernard

I was hoping for a novel, but this is a philosophical treatise interspersed with tedious descriptors of a hypothetical relationship. I couldn't make it past the first 30 pages.

Janet Doré

It's both uncanny and comforting to read about your personal experiences in a book that isn't about you! A blend of fiction and non-fiction, this is one of the most accurate and insightful books I've read. Alain brings to light the human experience within marriage/life partnerships. I stand reminded and motivated to rise in love. Were I Czar, this would be required reading for all. (This would be the PERFECT engagement gift!)

Kevin Juneos Mei Le

Luisa 

Gabe Cortez

Aurora Lucretia 

Andres Leon

Liene Coenen

SUNDAY TIMES TOP TEN BESTSELLER A brilliant new novel about love and marriage in the modern world - from the author the bestselling novel Essays in Love Modern love is never easy. Society is obsessed with stories of romance, but what comes after happily ever after? This is a love story with a difference. From dating to marriage, from having kids to having affairs, it follows the progress of a single ordinary relationship: tender, messy, hilarious, painful, and entirely un-Romantic. It is a love story for the modern world, chronicling the daily intimacies, the blazing rows, the endless tiny gestures that make up a life shared between two people. Moving and deeply insightful, The Course of Love offers us a window into essential truths about the nature of love.

The Course of Love A Novel

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