The Immortal Prince

🗡Let's See How Much Malevolent Villainy and Evil Scheming Fallon Can Pack Into This One Buddy Read (LSHMMVaESFCPITOBR™) with my fellow BB&B Falloniacs Choko, Elena, Emily and Robin🗡 Actual rating: 4.38598744 stars. Okay, this better not take long because I just finished The Bloody Shrimping Ninth Rain and need to start The Bloody Shrimping Bitter Twins now the day before yesterday so cup the crap to the max try I shall. “What’s going on here? You’re supposed to behead me.” “The executioner’s on vacation,” the disinterested voice informed him. He’d killed seven men to get here. Seven worthless humans to get himself beheaded. And the flanking headsman’s on vacation! This is quite outrageous, I must say! You skewer puny humans to get your lovely little lead a teensy bit chopped off, and the bloody headman is off frolicking our lord shrimp only knows where?! Totally unacceptable! Really, my Little Barnacles, if you thought it sucked big fishing time to be you (aka the most boring arthropods of them all) that's only because you've never walked in a suicidal, immoral and slightly immortal prince's shoes. Now that is a real pain in the pincers as far as exoskeletonache-inducing predicaments are concerned, if you ask me. And I think it makes our poor little Cayal—aka MY Suicidal One (MSO™), aka the guy who might quite possibly find himself a little bit locked up in MY High Security Harem pronto and stuff—here kinda sorta feels a little like this sometimes: You can stop hitting yourself now, dear boy. I have a feeling this won't help much in the kill-my-little-self-dead department, either. So it is with much glee and joyful elation this Sorry No Beheading Today Thingie (SNBTT™) that this somewhat wondrous story begins. And it is somewhat wondrous. I think. I mean, how else would you qualify a most blissfully jovial tale about a bunch of evil, tyrannical, egotistical, cruel, a little batshit crazy, sectarian, backstabbing, full of themselves, bored, gloriously fished–up, scheming homicidal maniac-type immortals? Well I guess you also could say it is moderately scrumptious. And relatively stupendous. And vaguely magnificent. Yeah, that too. Why use such superlatively superlative adjectives, you ask? Because what Jennifer Fallon of the Slightly Amazing Second Sons Trilogy (JFofSASST™) did here is create the Mostest Originalest Fascinatingest Complexest and Bestest Fleshed Out Immortals (MOFCaBFOI™) of them all. Yes she did. Not only that, the world this delightful charming clique evolves in is slightly luscious, too. Yes it is. Because magic in this world ebbs and flows like the tide: when the Tide is low, the Fairly Unbalanced Immortal Gang (FUIG™) lays, well, um, low and stuff. Biding their nefarious time and stuff. But when the Tide is high they have fun playing vile, malevolent overlords, more or less enslaving the pathetic plebe, generally making puny humans' lives hell and slaughtering them by the millions to pass time and stuff. Pretty much what I do day in day out, in other words. Which might partly explain why I liked this book a little and stuff. Now, I know what you're thinking. "Poor puny humans, sob sob sob," you say to your little barnacled selves. Well worry you not for the humans in this story might be puny, but in Glorious Fallon Fashion (GFF™), they have nothing to envy the FUIG™ when it comes to scheming and lying and having secrets and ulterior motives, and being egotistical bitches and scumbags and stuff. Which is a little yummy, obviously. And you want to know what's even yummier? The puny humans are so vile they even have their very own slaves! How cool is that?! And the slaves are Animal Human Hybrid Thingies (AHHT™), too! And not your typical, lamely boring were-type creatures, at that! Nope nope nope. They are splendidly sensational spoiler spoiler spoilers! And I can't wait for them to turn on the puny humans and beat the fish out of them! Because ♫revolution♫ = fun times and stuff! Also, I want to kidnap adopt them all! Because they will make the best play mates for my murderous babies! And a great addition to my nefarious armies, too! Crasii for the win and stuff! Now in case this wasn't marvelous enough, Fallon added: a reasonably smashing heroine who tells it like it is and has potential kick-ass abilities, a gay duke with a secret scumbag lover, a potentially harem-worthy spymaster, an inconspicuous old lady with lovely hair dye jobs, treacherous everything and everyone, lovey dovey crap I miraculously managed to survive, political intrigues galore (Glorious Fallon Fashion™ times again!) and bloody shrimping amphibian-towed ships. Also, barnacles. Whose presence alone justifies my rating, obviously. Hey now, have some respect, will you?! Barnacles might be stupid, but they hold a special place in my black, withered heart. Sometimes. ➽ And the moral of this Jennifer Fallon Worked Her Evil Witchery Again Which Means that Robin and I Both Enjoyed the Same Book Again Which Means that the End is Near and We are All Doomed Run Puny Humans Run Crappy Non Review (JFWHEWAWMtRaIBEtSBAWMttEiNaWaADRPHRCNR™) is: Elena some squeamish barnacles I shall not name do not understand how one can be inexorably attracted to Slightly Vile Types (SVT™) well good for me and stuff because that means My Suicidal Cayal is Mine Mine Mine and stuff. The end. And stuff. · Book 2: The Gods of Amyrantha ★★★★ · Book 3: The Palace of Impossible Dreams ★★★★★ · Book 4: The Chaos Crystal ★★ [Pre-review nonsense] There were repulsively young characters in Fallon's Second Sons trilogy, but I liked it anyway. Pretty disturbing, huh? Well, let me tell you, my Little Barnacles, that momentary bout of acute delirium is nothing compared to what happened here. Because there is Disgusting Lovey Dovey Crap (DLDC™) in this book. BUT I LIKED IT ANYWAY. See what the Wickedly Pernicious Author (WPA™) has turned me into?! Bloody shrimping Snow White on crack! This is totally unaceptable! ➽ Jennifer Fallon We Need To Talk Crappy Non Review (JFWNTTCNR™) to come.