Confessions of a Mask

Confessions of a Mask is the precise analysis of a youth estranged from reality. From the start Kochan is isolated from the very concept of normality. His overbearing grandmother shields him from the social company of other children and forces him into a world of introspection and bookish over-analysis and melodrama. His frailty torments his self-image and fills him with a hatred for himself and his body. His sexuality, rooted so deeply in his own self-image and, in all likelihood, a mysogny born from his grandmother, is treated like deepest crime hidden beneath the Mask. But the Mask and Kochan are markedly different in how they view the world. To the Mask his sexual desire is shameful and secretive, whilst in the temple of his mind Kochan explores himself with a feverish enjoyment. "...surely at that time I would be able to do it. Surely normality would burst into flames within me like a divine revelation." "This was the first time I used my love for Sonoko as a justification for my true feelings."

dps de ler este livro, tenho cada vez mais certeza numa ideia de que existe algo de universal na experiência homossexual... os sentimentos descritos pelo autor são tão relacionáveis, era quase como se partilhássemos a mesma mente..

c/p-ed from Journal:

I also appreciate how this story transcends the bounds of sexuality/love. Kochan does not like women in the traditional romantic and sexual sense, yet he loves Sonoko–he says their souls are intertwined and he feels something strongly towards her and this feeling is of similar potency to his love towards Omi. The only thing preventing him from being comfortable in his love for Sonoko is an absence of corporeal desire. It seems as though lust is, to Kochan, his standard for love. He and Sonoko have a genuine intellectual connection whereas he and Omi do not. I wonder if, if some men did not view women as a means for sex, they would even love them at all. Can Kochan really be considered homosexual?

he's literally so real

Exploring the journey of a man who had identity crises infused by the conformity of social norms in post-war era. Hitting close to home, where he has to choose to wear a mask to hide himself from his truly real desire, and Mishima, being an absolute badass for eloquently describing this clearly-an-autobiographical-tale-of-his, the main character's experiences, pains, self-introspections, sexual awakening and more.

i don’t know what i was expecting but it was certainly different than what i read! i enjoyed this read, however, even if it’s a little slow in the beginning. a lot of sympathy evoked from fellow lgbtq+ people who feel they must hide behind their own mask. also—armpit kink.

cant decide if this was good or insufferable... mmmhm a bit of both maybe

confessions of a mask aka exploration of homosexuality and compulsory heterosexuality

I’ll admit that I was actually vibing with the reflective writing style. It flowed really well, but I was mainly uncomfortable with some of the more gore adjacent content. I feel like there should be a content warning for some of the things that the central character imagines/fantasizes about. I know that the main narrative voice was attempting to make sense of his own sexual attraction to men in the landscape of wartime Japan. This was not a story of coming to terms with sexuality. It was a story about both consciously and unconsciously concealing ones true self under the heteronormative binary that demands men can be masculine. The narrative voice is ashamed of the things he finds feminine within his own self and creates a mask of masculinity that he wears to face the world.

I haven't researched much of the book, so this is simply my take after reading it. This book reads a bit autobiographical. It feels like the author captured in a novel the feeling of struggling with identity and sexuality. This was complex given that: (1) this was in Japan, (2) Japanese society fosters and promotes homogeneity as an ideal of sorts, (3) the main character felt different sexually due to his erotic attraction to the same gender and (4) Japan was at war and the threat of death was looming on everyone's mind. Written as a first person narrative, this novel thus reveals the struggle of this homosexual young man as he tries to conform with what he considered to be normal. In the process, he tried to come to terms with his attraction to another boy at school, he later on started a relationship with a woman as a way to explore love and 'normal' sexuality, just to realize that it was purely platonic for him. Throughout it all, he chastised himself when he indulged in what he called his bad habit, masturbation. Probably due to some disturbing thoughts he had when he indulged in erotic thinking, which he narrates in one part and I'd say was pretty graphic and disturbing. Overall, I consider this an interesting perspective into one man's struggle with sexuality in a world in which sexuality isn't discussed and a culture that promotes homogeneity and conformism.

okay 4.5 because i like the first half more than the second but it was still very good!! konchan my beloved “Most people are always doubtful as to whether they are happy or not, cheerful or not. This is the normal state of happiness, as doubt is a most natural thing.” - this is something i’m still trying to understand and accept; that doubt is natural and completely fine and that emotions do not always have to be one thing or another