Name: Sarah Escorsa's review of Something Secret This Way Comes by Sierra Dean
Item: Something Secret This Way Comes
Rating: 1
Author: Sarah Escorsa

Sierra Dean

Some secrets are dangerous. This Secret is deadly. Secret McQueen, Book 1 For Secret McQueen, her life feels like the punch line for a terrible joke. Abandoned at birth by her werewolf mother, hired as a teen by the vampire council of New York City to kill rogues, Secret is a part of both worlds, but belongs to neither. At twenty-two, she has carved out as close to a normal life as a bounty hunter can. When an enemy from her past returns with her death on his mind, she is forced to call on every ounce of her mixed heritage to save herself--and everyone else in the city she calls home. As if the fate of the world wasn't enough to deal with, there's Lucas Rain, King of the East Coast werewolves, who seems to believe he and Secret are fated to be together. Too bad Secret also feels a connection with Desmond, Lucas's second-in-command... Warning: This book contains a sarcastic, kick-ass bounty hunter; a metaphysical love triangle with two sexy werewolves; a demanding vampire council; and a spicy seasoning of sex and violence.

Something Secret This Way Comes

Monica Isabella

Some secrets are dangerous. This Secret is deadly. For Secret McQueen, her life feels like the punch line for a terrible joke. Abandoned at birth by her werewolf mother, hired as a teen by the vampire council of New York City to kill rogues, Secret is a part of both worlds, but belongs to neither. At twenty-two, she has carved out as close to a normal life as a bounty hunter can. When an enemy from her past returns with her death on his mind, she is forced to call on every ounce of her mixed heritage to save herself-and everyone else in the city she calls home. As if the fate of the world wasn't enough to deal with, there's Lucas Rain, King of the East Coast werewolves, who seems to believe he and Secret are fated to be together. Too bad Secret also feels a connection with Desmond, Lucas's second-in-command... Warning: This book contains a sarcastic, kick-ass bounty hunter; a metaphysical love triangle with two sexy werewolves; a demanding vampire council; and a spicy seasoning of sex and violence.

Sarah Escorsa

☠ DNF at 52% ☠

☢ TRIGGER WARNING: this book contains  Stupidly Stupid Highly Flammable Ground-Breaking Crap (SSHFGBC™).

☢ Friendly warning: I'm afraid this is going to be one of those pit-stop required reviews. Sorry (view spoiler)[#notsorry (hide spoiler)].

I'm seriously beginning to think I shouldn't put so much faith in human kind. I mean, look at this fine specimen of Stupidly Stupid Crap here. Given the title of the book and the name of the series, anyone else would have thought: Secret and Secret, OH HELL NO. But me? Nah. I'm always happy to give authors the benefit of the crap doubt. It's not because a book smells deliciously crappy that it will be. There are miracles sometimes. And human kind is genuinely good. And I love romance, cheese, fluffy bunnies and pastel-colored rainbows.

But anyway.

So. Want to know why is this Stupidly Stupid Highly Flammable Ground-Breaking Crap (SSHFGBC™)? Here goes.

① The secretive heroine whose secret name shall not remain secret, since it's Secret (view spoiler)[DUH (hide spoiler)]. 

» Secret not only has the coolest name in the history of cool names, she also has the cool looks to go with it. She's skinny (of course), she's hot (obviously), she's blonde (that's a prerequisite). And that blonde hair of hers! Oh, that blonde hair of hers! Those thick, fat, loose curls she loves so much! They are never tight! They are never frizzy! Secret's got built-in awesomely beautiful hair! Secret will never have to use styling products! Secret will never have to worry about looking like this:

 

Damn. Secret really is Super Cool and Super Hot. And did I mention she was tiny, too? In case you didn't know, that's another prerequisite for this type of SSHFGBC™. I mean, Super Short heroines are mandatory when the Super Hot Dudes in residence are Super Tall. And vice versa. And her being Super Short doesn't mean she doesn't kick-ass, oh no. As Super Cool Secret herself will tell you:  I kill vampires, it’s what I do, and not just any five-four blonde girl could pull it off. Oh, did I mention Super Cool and Super Hot Secret hated to boast? Sorry, I must have forgotten. 

» Secret's got SECRETS! Who would have guessed?! Secret's a half-vampire, half-werewolf hybrid! Hot damn! Told you the chick was Super Cool! She despises both vamps and weres, too! And she hasn't turned furry since she was 2 years old! That's right, this skinny blonde chick might be tiny but she CAN resist turning furry by sheer force of will! Which makes her all special kinds of Super Cool! And you know what's even cooler? Some of Secret's secrets are so secret Secret herself doesn't even know about them! Hot damn! Unbeknownst to her, Secret is really a freaking Southern werewolf Princess! Hot damn! A freaking skinny, tiny, blonde, hot, Southern werewolf Princess! In the flesh!



» Being a Skinny, Tiny, Blonde, Hot Chick (STBHC™), Secret only drinks non-fat, no-foam, vanilla lattes. Yeah, the girl is pretty wild. You people might think that non-fat, no-foam, vanilla lattes are for sissies, and that real kick-ass chicks drink their coffee black. Well that would be terribly judgemental of you. Such condescending thoughts would never occur to me. NEVER. By the way, did I tell you our STBHC™ had a hilarious sense of humor, too? I swear, the girl cracks me up. She says things like:  They say curiosity killed the cat. Guess it’s a good thing I was part wolf and not part cat.



Told you she was hilarious. And you know what else? She uses BAD words, too. Not only that, she actually strings her curses together with blasphemous intensity. Yep. She says shocking things like son of a bitch. WOW. Now that's what I call cursing like a sailor. Dear Secret here definitely puts Kara Gillian (aka the Cursing Queen) to shame. 

» Secret is terribly lonely. Secret cannot have a human boyfriend because the poor soul wouldn't understand the vampwolf stuff. So Secret has been single for years. Poor thing. Is there anything sadder than a single STBHC™? I think not. Well if Super Cool Secret used her one grey cell for a second she'd go all "eureka!" and realize her city is swarming with non-human Super Hot Dudes (aka boyfriend material) AND that she works with them day in day out. But no. No such luck. Because yes, being a STBHC™ also implies being a total, complete nitwit. 

So. I think I have just proven that Secret is pretty much the most perfectest, awesomest heroine ever. Which is pretty fantastic in itself. But hold on to your seats because now comes the truly amazing stuff.



② The Highly Flammable Ground-Breaking Crap.

» You've read about Insta-Freaking-Love. You've read about Insta-Freaking-Mating. You've read about Love Triangles of Doom and Destruction. Now put all three together and what do you get? Insta-Freaking-Soul-Bonded-Threesome (IFSBT™). Yep, that's right. Meet Sierra Dean, people. The UF author who boldly takes her stories where no shameless PNR writer has gone before. This is SO FREAKING COOL ← this might or might not be a slightly ironic statement. 

So the basis for this delightful story is: 
Insta-Freaking Love³ + Insta-Freaking-Mating³ = Insta-Freaking-Threesome

Simple maths, begone! This is really complex stuff, and definitely not your basic, average Love Triangle of Doom and Destruction. We must expand! We must analyze! Which means I am about to go all technical on you now, so get your three two grey cells together and try to follow my reasoning. You might want to grab a snack, too. This should take a while. And I PROMISE I am not making any of this up. Sierra Dean did come up with this crap all by herself.




  So we have
:
A = Secret
B = Super Hot, Super Rich Werewolf Kingpin
C = Super Hot, Super Rich Werewolf Kingpin's Super Hot First Lieutenant

Have I mentioned that both B and C are Super Hot Dudes? Oh well, rehashing never hurts, does it? Anyway, you know what is really cool about this book? Everyone is BIOTIFUL. I love it. It makes for a more realistic story. The Super Hot Dudes here are nothing but chiseled biceps, chiseled abs, chiseled jaws, chiseled everything! I'm pretty sure even the two synapses B and C share are of the chiseled kind. This is so awesome. But I digress. Let's get back to the technicalities for a minute. So B and C have been soul-bonded since they were kids. B is soul-bonded to A. But C is also soul-bonded to A. And A is obviously soul-bonded to both B and C. Which, in Sierra Dean's Math Wonderland Lingo, loosely translates to:

(A+B+C) x (A+B) x (A+C) x (B+C)² = What The Bloody Fuck³

And this very innovative formula makes for delightfully colourful situations. After A bangs C senseless, for example. And proceeds to jump B's bones in the hallway 5 minutes later. Why is this particular situation delightfully colourful, you ask? Because all three members of our Delightfully Soul-Bonded Threesome, being delightfully soul-bonded, can sense and feel whatever their Soul-Bonded colleagues are sensing and feeling. So when A and C get down to business, B can feel ALL THE FEELS. From both sides of the fence. You know, when C gets his thing into A's thing and vice-versa and stuff. That's way better than 3D and role-playing combined, if you ask me. But wait! It gets much better! Another factor has to be taken into account! Not only can the members of our Delightfully Soul-Bonded Threesome feel each other, they can taste each other the contactless way too! It's like Wi-Fi for taste buds! This is so cool. 



So. Time to go back to Sierra Dean's Math Wonderland:

Again, I PROMISE I am NOT making any of this up.

A = Secret = marshmallow flavor
B = Super Hot, Super Rich Werewolf Kingpin = cinnamon flavor (option B: cinnamon buns. I kid you not).
C = Super Hot , Super Rich Werewolf Kingpin's Super Hot First Lieutenant = lime flavor (option B: key lime pie. I kid you not).

Whenever two of these delightful people get down and dirty, pretty much everyone gets a wireless taste of everyone else in their respective mouths. Yummy. So you get marshmallows + cinnamon buns + key lime pie (view spoiler)[
  + the taste of other bodily fluids I would rather not mention here, in case you chose this particular moment to have a snack. You're welcome
 (hide spoiler)]. Now stir and whisk for 5 minutes and what do you get? The best freaking desert this side of the universe. Which takes us to the big reveal, the best-kept secret in the UF world: Sierra Dean is not only a genius mathematician (the above-mentioned innovative formulas can attest to it), she also knows how to channel her inner Julia Childs. And that, my dear people, takes real talent.



So this is basically why this book is a Stupidly Stupid Highly Flammable Ground-Breaking Piece of Crap (SSHFGBPoC™). But it's not ALL bad. Oh no. There are great things in this book. Like sentences that make absolutely no sense, no matter how many times you read them. Thanks to this story, I also learned that we awfully lewd Europeans had the awfully lewd habit of greeting our guests in the buff. No wonder I'm so popular in my neighbourhood. Oh, and did you know that Marilyn Monroe was actually the daughter of a fairy and a god? I'm telling you, this book is absolutely packed with awesome stuff. There are two instances of Bad French, too: grand-mère is spelt grandmere and one of the Super Hot Dudes addresses Super Cool Secret as mon chéri (masculine) instead of ma chérie (feminine). But hey, who knows, one of Secret's secrets might also be that she is actually a guy. Or better yet, a hermaphrodite. Now that would be REALLY cool. 



And I think that's pretty much all the STUPIDLY STUPID CRAP that can be found in this book. To think I only read to the 52% mark. Had I finished the book, I'm pretty sure I would have either (a) committed crap-induced suicide or (b) annihilated all life on this planet. Or both.

» And the moral of this pit-stop worthy review is:

Monica Isabella &
Something Secret This Way Comes by Sierra Dean

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