Name: Taylor Murphy's review of Mistakes Were Made (but Not by Me) by Carol Tavris
Item: Mistakes Were Made (but Not by Me)
Rating: 5
Author: Taylor Murphy

Carol Tavris

Elliot Aronson

Two distinguished psychologists look at the role of self-justification in human life, explaining how and why we create fictions that absolve us of responsibility and restore our belief in our intelligence, moral rectitude, and correctness; assess the potential repercussions of such a course of action; and reveal how it can be overcome.

Why We Justify Foolish Beliefs, Bad Decisions, and Hurtful Acts

Mistakes Were Made (but Not by Me)

Taylor Murphy

Rustė Tervydytė

As soon as I started reading this book, I immediately ran into major difficulties with it. It's in a way comforting to think that powerful people make disastrous decisions and then stick to them because there's some shady plan going on: follow the money, and so on. This would mean that the shady plan could, at least theoretically, be stopped with counter arguments more powerful than the original perceived benefits. However, it's profoundly disconcerting to realise that powerful people stick to their obviously disastrous decisions for the same reason that makes your aunt Betty maintain it's all uncle John's fault she burned the cake. It's the universal human need to justify themselves in order to reduce the cognitive dissonance between "I'm a smart, capable, and kind human being" and "I've done something stupid, selfish, cruel, or outright horrible."

Therefore, I started moaning about this book to my friends. I told them it was making me depressed. "So don't read it!" one friend told me. "Why would you make yourself miserable over something like that?" "We'll, it's sort of based on tonnes of scientific research and probably gives a real, even if depressing, insight into the human psyche. Look at all the references in the last pages..." "Remember all the times scientific research was proven to be wrong?" another friend asked, clearly feeling she was giving me the ultimate reason to toss the bloody book away. 

In fact, she was illustrating the point of the book so clearly and unambiguously that I immediately felt I had to finish it at all cost. I'm so glad I did. Of course, the future of the Israel-Palestine and Ukraine-Russia conflicts looks even bleaker now that I've tried to apply the dissonance theory to explain the actions of all involved parties. However, while me reading a paperback will not result in global peace, it may well make my own life and the way it touches the lives of those around me quite different. After all, admitting my mistakes is a much more direct path to being the smart, capable, and kind human being I want to be than convincing myself I only did something because I was forced to it and, besides, the other party would have done the same anyway.

Why do people dodge responsibility when things fall apart? Why theparade of public figures unable to own up when they make mistakes?Why the endless marital quarrels over who is right? Why can we seehypocrisy in others but not in ourselves? Are we all liars? Or do we reallybelieve the stories we tell?Renowned social psychologists Carol ......

Why We Justify Foolish Beliefs, Bad Decisions and Hurtful Acts

Mistakes Were Made (But Not by Me!)

Colleen

4 Stars
 
*An insightful (but slightly pushy) look into how we handle mistakes*
 

Psychology is fascinating. Mistakes Were Made (But not by Me) explored the various ways that cognitive dissonance causes us to lie to ourselves – often in such an effective way that we believe our own lies even to the point of rewriting our memories.
 

  “That is why self-justification is more powerful and more dangerous than the explicit lie. It allows people to convince themselves that what they did was the best thing they could have done. In fact, come to think of it, it was the right thing.”

Self-justification: It seems like a little, harmless thing to do. And it’s something we have a natural, subconscious urge to give in to. Tell yourself your mistake wasn’t that bad. It was harmless. No one knows. It was the only choice. Discrepancies between our perceived self-image (usually one of moral integrity, intelligence, and being the hero of the story) and any “bad” or “dumb” mistake we make cause extreme mental discomfiture. Because if you really were that morally upright person, would you have slacked off at work so much? If you really were that smart, wouldn’t you have seen what a terrible guy your ex was?
 
This is a book that will piss off some people. There is the obvious discomfiture from being confronted with our own mistakes and bad habits. And if you haven’t studied the various ways that memories are unreliable, then you may be uncomfortable with the new-found knowledge that your brain lies to you – A LOT! And of course, Trump supporters are going to be furious, because this book uses him as a prime example of someone who lies frequently and never admits wrongdoing.
 

  “But as dissonance theory predicts, once an incorrect idea has achieved prominence, and especially if that idea has caused widespread harm, it rarely fades away. It lies in wait, like the false belief that vaccines cause autism, reemerging at any opportunity that might allow its promoters to claim they were right all along.” 

I liked that the book explored the different facets and issues surrounding cognitive dissonance and self-justification. Understanding why we make excuses for our mistakes, poor decisions, and bad actions is critically important. But I hadn’t really thought about how it affects the other side of the coin as well. People often fall into the same traps when they see themselves as the victim in a situation. Whether that situation is truly harmful or a petty grievance, whoever is in the role of victim can easily fall into the pit of righteous indignation and grudge-holding. Mistakes Were Made (But Not by Me) explains how that reaction digs just as deep a hole as we escalate our role as innocent victim and the perpetrator’s role as malicious aggressor even if the incident was simply due to a careless accident.
 
The chapter on how this affects relationships was fascinating. It make me think of an article I read recently that discussed how when couples were asked what percentage of household chores they each took care of, the total always equaled far more than 100%. That same tunnel vision that affects every other area of life is just as powerful in a relationship. We tend to see ourselves as the hero of good situations and the victim of bad ones. So when the only other party is your significant other, they automatically get pushed into the category of wrongdoer. And once you start down the slope of only seeing the bad in your partner, it’s difficult to see any good or to see the harm that exaggerating their faults does to the relationship.
 

  “Retaliation often makes the original perpetrators minimize the severity and harm of their side’s actions and claim the mantle of victim themselves, thereby setting in motion a cycle of oppression and revenge. ‘Every successful revolution,’ observed historian Barbara Tuchman, ‘puts on in time the robes of tyrant it has deposed.’ Why not? The victors, former victims, feel justified.”

“Success at dehumanizing the victim virtually guarantees a continuation or even an escalation of the cruelty: It sets up an endless chain of violence, followed by self-justification (in the form of dehumanizing and blaming the victim), followed by still more violence and dehumanization. Combine self-justifying perpetrators and victims who are helpless, and you have a recipe for the escalation of brutality.” 

The bottom line is that we should all be aware of how powerful self-justification is. Sure, it is easy to spot when someone else pulling the wool over their own eyes. But it is much harder to spot in one’s own self. And harder still to go through the painful process of admitting when you are wrong. But it’s something from which we can all benefit. Whether it’s showing a lack of compassion for a partner, holding a grudge against an acquaintance, believing misinformation, or digging into a skewed view of global politics, we all experience the effects of cognitive dissonance daily. And while the authors’ tone was sometimes brash and bossy, this book still has valuable insight into the far-reaching consequences of lying about mistakes instead of admitting them.


RATING FACTORS:
Ease of Reading: 4 Stars
Writing Style: 3 Stars
Level of Captivation: 4 Stars
Attention to Details: 3 Stars
Plot Structure and Development: 4 Stars
Objectivity: 2 Stars

Matthew Royal

The authors are convinced that self deception is a uniquely American trait, and chock it up to our fear of failure. Sounds suspect to me, and it's a thesis completely unsubstantiated by any of the numerous end notes (30% of the book!) Despite that and a few other nitpicks, it's a good intro to unselfconscious people into the inner workings of their minds. The book self-summarizes neatly with this quote: "Nowadays, when I feel passionate that I am 100 percent right about a decision that others question, I look at it again; that's all."

CAROL. ARONSON TAVRIS (ELLIOT.)

MISTAKES WERE MADE (BUT NOT BY ME)

KADY BURNS

Marc Dabringhaus

Ermin Celikovic

Renowned social psychologists Carol Tavris and Elliot Aronson take a compelling look into how the brain is wired for self-justification. When we make mistakes, we must calm the cognitive dissonance that jars our feelings of self-worth. And so we create fictions that absolve us of responsibility, restoring our belief that we are smart, moral, and right--a belief that often keeps us on a course that is dumb, immoral, and wrong.

Mistakes Were Made (But Not by Me): Why We Justify Foolish Beliefs, Bad Decisions, and Hurtful Acts

Keven Wang

Two distinguished psychologists look at the role of self-justification in human life, explaining how and why we create fictions that absolve us of responsibility and restore our belief in our intelligence, moral rectitude, and correctness; assess the potential repercussions of such a course of action; and reveal how it can be overcome. Reprint.

Taylor Murphy &
Mistakes Were Made (but Not by Me) by Carol Tavris

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Taylor Murphy &Mistakes Were Made (but Not by Me) by Carol Tavris

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Taylor Murphy &
Mistakes Were Made (but Not by Me) by Carol Tavris