Actual rating: 3.21 stars. Because I'm in a good mood today. ✉ A message from Sarah from the Future (SftF™): I thought I'd write a really short thing review for that one. Hahahahaha. I'm so funny sometimes, I crack my little self up. So this book should have been slightly awesome, in an Oh My Bloody Shrimping Fish Kind of Way (OMBSFKoW™) (view spoiler)[ which would have been somewhat amazing, since this is a much-dreaded MacHalo BotM, and it is a well-known fact that the MacHalos have despicable interesting book taste, and therefore only pick crappy wonderful books to read. But I kinda sorta digress (hide spoiler)]. Only that it bloody shrimping wasn't. Sigh. I think I have to get one of my favorite gifs out of storage once again. Yes, I am quite afraid that this is the disgusting truth. Imagine this: you start a book and realize that, instead of the immature Special Mary Sue Snowflake you were expecting, the heroine is a beautifully grumpy, cigar-smoking kick-ass chick in her LATE 30s. You very naturally proceed to faint and stuff (because harem-worthy ancient female leads have become an endangered literary species). Then you start getting a teensy little bit excited, on account of the original world-building, delightfully engaging/intriguing/compelling action-packed plot and yummy-in-my-tummy cast of secondary characters. It is all slightly wondrous, really. I mean, check this out: ✔ Knight-type chicks & dudes that fight ghost-type thingies and creatures from the Otherside. ✔ Pirates and ships and sea monsters, oh my! ✔ Women in charge! Women pirates! Women pilots! Evil women who want to do evil stuff! ✔ Pretenders to the throne who are most deliciously cursed and slightly hot and therefore have High Security Harem Potential (HSHP™) (view spoiler)[ (hide spoiler)]. ✔ Local drinks that make for deadly missiles (don't ask). ✔ Revoltingly juvenile yet pretty awesome sidekicks. ✔ Family on the menu (don't ask). ✔ Fresh Bonding Stuff (FBS™) that has naught to do with the Pathetically Ridiculous Paranormal Romance Bonding Thing of Doom (PRPRBToD™). Alleluia to my Lord Shrimp and stuff. ✔ Stuff. ✔ More stuff. ✔ Spoiler spoiler spoiler. Alas, my decapodic lovelies, all that fairly exquisite stuff amounted to a big, fat meh. Why, you kindly ask? Because the execution. What is wrong with it, you kindly ask? Just one or two three of four things: ➽ The writing is flatter than a bunch of unemotional barnacles and more dispassionate than a herd of apathetic hermit crabs. One notices this very early on, but the story draws one in and stuff so one decides to be uncharacteristically kind and stuff and give the author the benefit of the doubt and stuff. Note to one: stop being uncharacteristically kind, it's a total waste of one's nefarious time. ➽ Heavy-Handed Stuff, Inc (HHSI™). First of all there is way too much info here for my poor little shrimpy brain to process. It's great that Ballantines has such a painfully detailed idea of how her world works, but I'm not sure the reader needs to know all the particulars. It adds little to the narrative and gets in the way of the action. The other problem is that, because so much info is being tossed into the story, very few aspects of the world are actually well-defined/explained. And some of them you never really get a grasp on (view spoiler)[ Or did I not get it because my IQ dropped sharply over the summer? Could be. Maybe I should stick to Noddy books from now on, they should be easy enough for me to comprehend. Possibly. Then again maybe not. Anyone know if there's blood, gore and hot dudes in them, by any chance? Just wondering (hide spoiler)]. ➽ The Calamitously Cringe-Worthy Soufflé Effect (CCWSE™). What? You don't know what the CCWSE™ is? Sigh. I really have to tell you everything, my Little Arthropods. The CCWSE™ is when an author builds up tension page after page after page, and gets you all excited and titillated and stuff, but when you get to the supposed climax of the scene, this happens: Pretty scary, huh? What a rip-off. Here you are, getting all amped up, expecting a great, big, fight with lots of hemoglobin, slaughter and dismemberment but it's over in a blur, and you end up having no bloody shrimping idea what the fish just happened or how the situation got resolved. Move along, nothing to see and stuff. Not sure if this is because Ballantines can't be bothered with battle/conflict/combat/whatever scenes, or because she doesn't know how to go about them, but one thing is certain, they are most certainly not her strong suit. The worst thing is, this happens repeatedly throughout the book, which is ever-so-slightly annoying. So QED and stuff. ➽ There is Somewhat Abhorrent Lovey Dovey Stuff (SALDS™) in this book. It is somewhat abhorrent. Not only because it is, you know, abhorrent in itself and stuff, but also because Ballantines feels the need to shove it down your lovely little throat again and again: Sorcha and Raed are attracted to each other? Gotcha. Sorcha and Raed are falling in disgusting lurve? I kinda got that last time you mentioned it, but okay. Sorcha and Raed are all hot for each other and stuff? Errr…Not that I'm complaining or anything, but this is getting a teensy little old. Sorcha and Raed have a strong, you know, thing going and stuff. Arrrggghhhhhh!!!!!! Bloody shrimping enough!!! We have a grey cell or two (well some of us do anyway) and we do get the silly point! So no need to rehash it a few hundred million times. Because 1/it feels forced and 2/it tends to get on my homicidal little nerves. Which isn't really a good thing, considering said nerves haven't been in the best of dispositions since reading the eyeroll-worthy We're Cold and Wet so Let's Get Naked and Cuddle Up by the Fire to Get Warm Scene (WCaWsLGNaCUbtFtGWS™). A record-breaking 250 on the Richter scale of Clunky, Artificially Phony Cliched Scenes (CAPCS™) that one. Quite a feat and stuff. You got that right, Skellie Baby. » And the moral of this Such Blatant Waste of Such Awesome Potential Should be Outlawed Crappy Non Review (SBWoSAPSbOCNR™) is: I think about what this book could have been like and I get all… You might think this would deter me from reading book 2 in this series, but I am compassionate and considerate and kind-hearted and good-natured and stuff (view spoiler)[ (hide spoiler)], and have therefore decided to give Ms Ballantines another chance. Masochism Forgiveness is me and stuff. So return to this world I shall. Maybe. Not right away though. Things to butcher, places to invade and all that crap. • Book 2: Spectyr ★★★★ • Book 3: Wrayth ★★ • Book 4: Harbinger - NOT to be read. I'm not that suicidal, thank you very much. [Pre-review nonsense] Actual rating: 3.25 stars. For now. ➽ What this book should have felt like: ➽ What this book actually felt like: » Full Bloody Shrimping Hell What a Fishing Waste Crappy Non Review (BSHWaFWCNR™) to come.