➽ March 31, 2019: picking this up again because I'm, um, you know, fearsome like that. Indeed. Go me and stuff. [ January 2019] Disclaimer: there are twelve short stories in this collection. I only read Glen Cook's. Because I'm revoltingly selective like that. And also because DUH. Friendly warning: the first three paragraphs of this review are a total waste of your time. You’re welcome. “Shaggy Dog Bridge” by Glen Cook: 4.5 stars and stuff. “Shit happens. Sometimes no matter how much you dog-gnaw the bone you don’t get it to make no sense, ‘specially the who done what why.” So I read this sentence (the very first in this lovely little tale full of fluffy bunnies and pastel-colored rainbows) and thought to myself: “why do I ever bother reading stuff NOT written by Glen Cook, anyway?” Okay, so you probably think that this is me slightly exaggerating again and that this sentence is nothing special. And it’s alright. I mean, you’re entitled to your ever-erroneous opinion and stuff. Besides, I was as clueless as you Barnacled Bunch once (view spoiler)[ hahahahaha, just kidding. Trying to make you feel better about your little selves, that is all (hide spoiler)], and didn’t know who the fish Glen Cook was (my life had no meaning back then, just so you know), so I understand. Then again maybe not. Anyway, I kept reading, all giddy and slightly delirious as only a Moderately Unbalanced Glen Cook Shrimpgirl (MUGCS™) can be, and came across this: “Rusty was a FNG, with us only six months. He had no hope of becoming a Fucking Old Guy. He was an asshole and a bully. His type never prospers with us.” Which got me all, Because Glen Cook! Using acronyms! Just like me! You know what this means, right?! It means I must be the long lost daughter he had in secret with Lady! It all makes sense now! I got my Severe Nefariousness Disorder (SND™)—and ruthless world domination penchant—from her and Acute Acronymitis Syndrome (AAS™) from him! Ergo, my life is now utterly complete and stuff, and I can die most deliriously happy. So, now that we have so efficiently solved the fascinating mystery of my ancestry, let’s talk about Shaggy Dog Bridge, shall we? This story takes place between books 1 and 2 of the Most Scrumptious Fantasy Series that Ever Was and Ever Will Be (MSFStEWaEWB™) (view spoiler)[ asking me what the name of said series is is the surest way to get the murderous crustaceans unleashed on your miserable little derrieres post haste, just so you know (hide spoiler)]. And it’s kinda sorta pointless to read it if you are not already familiar with the MSFStEWaEWB™ and its delicious characters—aka my Yummilicious Mercenary Boyfriends (YMB™)—to be honest. But hey, it’s your life, so feel free to waste it as you like and stuff. Anyhoooo, this little tale finds my YMB™ on the run from their previous employers, namely my newfound mommy Lady (aka my girlfriend, aka my boyfriend Croaker’s girlfriend. One big happy family and all that). They come upon some kind of secret road. And some kind of secret bridge. And then spoiler spoiler spoiler stuff happens. There’s a most delicious Taken-like chick (Poof! Gone! Harem!) and the “evil versus evil sorcery duel of the decade.” The dialogues are hahahahahaha as ever, and most of the original Luscious Mercenaries are around. They're in rare form, too: One-Eye grumbles while Goblin giggles, Elmo is revealed not to be a complete dickhead (only that he is, part of the job description and all that) and Croaker shares deep, profound rejoinders “scintillating in their Croakeresqueness.” In other words, Pure Unadulterated Black Company Bliss (PUBCB™). How does it end, you ask? Well more or less something like this: Such brave, fearless, courageous men, my YMB™! No wonder I 💕lurves💕 them so bloody shrimping much! · Book 1: The Black Company ★★★★★ · Book 1.5: Port of Shadows ★ ← I have no idea where this book came from, or what it's about. Pretty sure I never read it. · Book 2: Shadows Linger ★★★★★ · Book 2.3 (short story): Bone Eaters ★★★★★ · Book 3: The White Rose ★★★★★ · Book 3.5: The Silver Spike ★★★★ · Book 4: Shadow Games ★★★★★ · Book 5: Dreams of Steel ★★★★★ · Book 6: Bleak Seasons ★★★★★ · Book 7: She Is The Darkness ★★★★★ · Book 8: Water Sleeps ★★★★★ · Book 9: Soldiers Live ★★★★★ [Pre-review nonsense] My Yummilicious Mercenary Boyfriends (YMB™) strike again! ➽ Full review to magically appear post haste and stuff.